So for people who missed it last night, the National Enquirer allegedly threatened to blackmail Jeff Bezos by saying they would publish pictures of his dick. J Beezy decided to respond internet mogul style by blogging it out. Feits did a fantastic job as usual breaking down the particulars of a story involving lurid sexual details.
In addition to the “below the belt selfie—otherwise colloquially known as a ‘d*ck pick’” – The Enquirer obtained a further nine images. These include:
· Mr. Bezos face selfie at what appears to be a business meeting.
· Ms. Sanchez response — a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.
· A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.
· A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing just a pair of tight black boxer-briefs or trunks, with his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring.
· A selfie of Mr. Bezos fully clothed.
· A full-length scantily-clad body shot with short trunks.
· A naked selfie in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.
· Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.
· Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.
It would give no editor pleasure to send this email. I hope common sense can prevail — and quickly.
All in all, some pretty big scumbag shit that rightfully would piss off the richest man in the world right before he loses that title in divorce court, but would still be the 3rd richest person in the world if you split his net worth in half (I admittedly also have no clue if that’s how it works because I am dumb).
Anyway, pissing off a guy that is rich as fuck, likely angry as fuck about losing that number 1 spot and being half as rich as he used to be, still in the courting phase with a new girlfriend that he calls Alive Girl and (allegedly) stole from his friend while both of them were still married is a CRAZY move. We already saw what happened when Gawker went at a billionaire without anywhere near the money or clout of Bezos.
I don’t even get what the National Enquirer’s big move was here. Nobody wants to see Jeff Bezos’ dick for a myriad of reasons, number 1 being we can all imagine it’s a pretty average dick that kinda looks like his head. Throwing Lauren Sanchez there is just fucked up too. Even if Bezos didn’t want revenge, I’m pretty sure he has to go for it now because you can’t let them come at your new girlfriend like that.
Which got me thinking, is there anybody on the planet that you would want to fuck with less than Jeff Bezos? You can throw out all the other billionaires based simply on money because he has more than them and will still have more than all but 2 of them if they dumb blogger math is right. Trumpy Bear comes to mind because he is a billionaire and also the most powerful man in the free world. But he also has a legion of haters, of which there are many that will take your side the minute Trump calls you our as an enemy. In our little Barstool ecosystem, Pres is the big fish in the pond because he has millions of dollars, an army of Stoolies behind him, is a Hall of Fame grudge holder whose deal with the devil ensures he never loses including John Skipper leaving ESPN before BVT’s body was cold and the continued stuffing of Roger Goodell into the nearest locker or trash receptacle almost half a decade after #Deflategate happened.
But Bezos has billions (with a B) of dollars, can buy a literal army of humans, and is the real life Lex Luthor. With Amazon HQ in Seattle and HQ2 being spread between NYC and the DMV, Bezos has the East coast and West coast on lock. He is Suge Knight and Puff Daddy of the business world only if they were super duper rich, had access to your entire Amazon history as well as anything you’ve ever said around Alexa, and owned killer robot dogs.
The worst part about all of this for us is I feel like Bezos isn’t going to seek revenge by only going after the dickhead that tried to blackmail him, but also take down the entire National Enquirer as well as everybody the blackmailer was ever friends with on some Terry Benedict shit. Don’t get me wrong, I could care less about some writer’s life being ruined or if a bunch of housewives and Elvis fanatics lose their gossip rag that they treat themselves to while checking out at the grocery store. But Bezos is going to go for more than that. He’s probably going to start up Amazon’s own gossip newspaper on his own as well as a smut blog website to take every last eyeball away from the Enquirer. And as someone that happens to work in the smut business, that would not be good for Barstool. I’m ride or die for the Big Swinging Dick At The Cracker Factory until the day I die. But if Jeff Bezos gets into the smut blog business, we are FUCKED*. And if he gets into the revenge business, he will finally fulfill his destiny of being a supervillain and the real life Lex Luthor.
*Unless Bezos buys out Portnoy, in which case we are gucci, stinking rich, and the biggest media outlet on the planet
Final Verdict: No, you cannot make a worse mortal enemy than Jeff Bezos. To the person (people?) at The National Enquirer that (allegedly) decided to go at a guy with more money than God, you are officially hit with the most disrespectful treatment you can get here at Barstool: