Here’s what the National Enquirer threatened to release on Bezos….
In addition to the “below the belt selfie?—?otherwise colloquially known as a ‘d*ck pick’”?—?The Enquirer obtained a further nine images. These include:
· Mr. Bezos face selfie at what appears to be a business meeting.
· Ms. Sanchez response?—?a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.
· A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand?—?while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts?—?and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.
· A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing just a pair of tight black boxer-briefs or trunks, with his phone in his left hand?—?while wearing his wedding ring.
· A selfie of Mr. Bezos fully clothed.
· A full-length scantily-clad body shot with short trunks.
· A naked selfie in a bathroom?—?while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel?—?and the top of his pubic region can be seen.
· Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.
· Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.
It would give no editor pleasure to send this email. I hope common sense can prevail?—?and quickly.
This story is AWESOME. I want a movie made about it. It’s got everything: dick pics, mistresses, billionaires, conspiracies, political ties, Saudi influence, I mean just everything.
For those who have been dead, the National Enquirer broke a story about how Bezos was cheating on his wife and like formed a company just so the mistress could have a job so he would have a reason to talk to her. They followed him across like 30 countries or something like that to dig up all the dirt, it was insane. Naturally, some folks quickly thought Trump may have had some hand in this as he’s been a friend of the NE and hates Bezos, who owns The Washington Post.
So, Bezos has hired a private investigator to see if there were any external influences that pushed for this story. The National Enquirer didn’t like this and quickly alerted Bezos that they had nude of both him, and his mistress, and if he didn’t end the investigation then publicly state that there were no external political influences then they’d release the nudes. And you know what Bezos did?
HE LAUGHED IN THEIR FACE THEN WENT PUBLIC! God, what a big dick move. I mean that literally, to not care if the world sees your dick then you’ve gotta have a big one. To tell the National Enquirer to screw is the most “I’m worth 100 billion dollars, you don’t push me around, I push you around” shit I’ve ever heard.
But what I can’t imagine is the phone call he had to have with his girlfriend. We’ve all asked a lot of our significant other, be it to let us go out with friends or to come to a family thing or whatever, but I’m not sure if anyone has ever said, “Look babe the National Enquirer is gonna be publishing those pics of you in that neglige making the blowjob face, but you’re just gonna have to do a bid for me on this one.” Granted, none of us have ever started a company just so our significant other could have a job, so the conversation was probably pretty easy, but it still takes stones to ask. I don’t care who you are, asking something of your girlfriend is terrifying.
Top story of the year has already happened and it’s not even mid-February because nothing is beating the National Enquirer, run by a man named Pecker, threatening to release dick pics of a billionaire who looks like a penis. That’s it. That wins.