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What's Cleaner: Cum Or Unidentified Subway Juice?

This morning, when I was waiting for the W train at Times Square, I was minding my own business when the R train rushed past me. As it flew past where I was standing, an unidentified liquid splashed to my face, and more specifically, into my eye. My EYE. I see things with that! Naturally I’m freaking out, I’m trying to get my eyes to water so I can flush it out, I’m hyperventilating thinking of the infection I’m probably going to get that is going to take my eye clean out, and it occurs to me I might be overreacting.

So, I text my most logical New York friend to ask how bad it really is that this is in my eyeball. This was her response:


Okay, there’s no debate here, right? I’m right. There is a zero point zero percent chance I’m wrong. Subway juice could have literally anything in it. Rat blood. Feces. Urine. Garbage sludge. Yeah, rainwater, but New York rainwater, which probably has all of the above in it. I looked up the ingredients of male ejaculate and apparently it’s fucking healthy, it’s got Fructose sugar, water, Vitamin C (SO clean!), protein and more. It’s like a health supplement. Cum vs. Subway juice is NO debate. Think logically here. Which would YOU rather have in your eye?

I don’t care if you’re a toxically masculine, straighter than straight type guy. You’re going to say cum. I’m not saying either is pleasant to have in your eye, but one is clearly superior. Anyways, can’t wait to go blind! Hopefully I’ll be able to work an eye patch.