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An Oregon State Rep Wants To Rename The Portland Trail Blazers To The Oregon Trail Blazers

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Look, as someone who loves all things nostalgia let alone all things Oregon Trail, I should love this move. My daughter got a fucking handheld version of the game from my brother for Christmas and it was maybe the greatest gift I have ever seen.

Not to brag, I made it all the way to Oregon with nobody dying and I did it as the carpenter from Ohio because the Banker From Boston is cheating

But you can’t rename your team the Oregon Trail Blazers even if old fucks like me understand the reference. The Trail Blazers have already had enough injury nightmares in franchise history from Sam Bowie to Greg Oden to Brandon Roy. You rename that cursed ass team the Oregon Trail Blazers, you can be assured that CJ McCollum will die of dysentery tomorrow. Shit, there were already people with measles at a Blazers game.

Why give the vindictive basketball gods a reason to give the entire team typhoid or get robbed by a thief just outside Fort Walla Walla because of the dark jokes Twitter would fire off? Just stick with the cutesey Oregon Trail themed schedule releases, keep your awesome logo, and stay as far away as possible from jinxing your team more than it already has been cursed.