Today is a top 5 awful day for Corporate America. Last week we gave a lot of shine to those working outside in -30 temps. Today the shine is to my cube monkeys. The cold callers and customer service folks. The guys driving 2-3 hours to a client today and that being a routine Monday. You guys are my heroes right now. I want you to stay strong today.
Some of you are not working though. You could be in school, at an Atlanta Waffle House, on vacation, or maybe even in-between jobs. In any and all of those cases you would be very lucky because, again, today fucking blows.
As I tap into your corporate angst – Why isn’t today a National Holiday? - I want you to think about the last time you left a job. And I want you to think about the way you carried yourself on the way out the door and interacted with coworkers because I’d like you to prep for a ridiculous email from Friday evening:
Carl – Good exit story down at the bottom of this email chain. Puts a nice spin on what you should expect at an entry level accounting position for the almighty Deloitte. Let’s just say wine and coronas aint enough to compensate for the 90 hour work weeks. Thought you’d enjoy.
I ferociously and immediately scroll to the bottom. It had been forwarded so many times I got re-routed via GMAIL servers to a special landing page. Boy was this exciting. *accepts pop-up disclosure notification* I’m a sucker for enthusiastic entry-level resignations, even more so when it’s a Fancy Pants Big 4 Accounting White Collar Special resignation. These ones are special because the entitlement is so goddamn rich.
This millennial resignation is notably different than what you’ll typically encnounter on the internet. FOR EXAMPLE: this summer we saw a Logistics girl put on a world class crazy-bitch clinic on the way out. It was toxic and juicy with major accusations: sex, drugs, tramp stamps and more sex. In some respects you could call it very, V trashy.
*passes CPA exams*
THAT HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH IN THEIR YOUNG LIVES
Anyways let’s get to the parting email with my general commentary interspersed:
Today being my last day at Deloitte, just wanted to say thank you all for such an amazing experience. The last two years have been most educational.
So far, nice guy
Actually, I think it was such a great educational experience that I have been inspired with a money making idea for Deloitte. We could have this “experience” as a two year College Course = Guaranteed Workers for Life.
Hear me out…
Course Title: Corporate Bullshit 200: A Fully Immersive 2 Year Program aka Corp BS 200
Course Description: Our fully immersive 2-year program offers everything you need to know on the bullshit of the corporate world.
Sounds fishy, but anytime someone is willing to immerse you in anything you know they’re serious.
(1) Happy Hour in office building with ONLY Wine and Corona. *Fantastic! Yey!
This one leading off hurts so bad for every HR “partner” out there trying to be cool and hip. For real – big companies are spending insane amounts of money in attempt to figure out what younger employees want and it’s HILARIOUS that Deloitte, a roughly $30 billion global powerhouse, came up with this:
I’m a scumbag so it would be hard for me to complain about free booze. But if you’re going to roll out some Kendall Jackson buttery Chard and a few twelve packs of Corona every other Friday and expect me to appreciate it you have another thing coming.
(2) Getting Yelled At By…
- (2)(a) Partners who have their heads so far UP their shirts, that they look really nice in suits and definitely not like vultures. because obviously, they not vultures, they are hardworking, honorable, knowledgeable, non-backstabbing, family loving people, honest and straightforward gods who we look up to, with respect and absolute admiration.
I worked 3 years as a forensic accountant for a large accounting firm and know the hierarchy quite well. Partners are at least 20 years older than you and have limited appreciation for your technical skills. Why? Because you’re extremely replaceable by another wave of thousands of business school virgins who just graduated. Literally, a partner remembering a first year’s name is more work than it takes to replace said first year. Also, they wear suits because they have to. Most of them would rather be in khakis and a nice v-neck sweater trust me.
- (2)(b) Senior Manager who is sad, overworked, underpaid, undervalued, and basically treated like a literal garbage person [as in made out of garbage], who then elegantly transfer his/her aggression and dissatisfaction of their current circumstances on you the lowly staff persons. [ yep… “transferred aggression” another cool thing you learn in our Corporate BS-sory 101 class. Pay close attention and you will begin to see a trend.
In other words they get shit on. First time in Corporate America that’s ever happened actually.
- (2)(c) Managers who think because they “manage” a client at the almighty Deloitte, their rear ends require constant licking cleaning and pampering, by anyone lucky enough to be assigned to them. – [don’t worry tho, you will learn that, these are just pre-midlife crisis candidates, who are just now beginning to realize the meaninglessness of their current existence.] Ha – another one of, and dare I say more interesting forms of “transferred aggression” which you will be exposed to.
Deloitte: Come Get Your Ass Licked™
- (2)(d) Senior Associates. Ohhh poor Seniors. These fellows are just fresh off the brainwash table, thinking they are all hot fickle matter and full of false pride because they are “the future of the firm.” Ha-ha I am not kidding, they actually believe this. A common phrase you hear them say proudly is “that’s my staff, I own him”. this is never ok, especially coming from you, you know who you are. “You own me?!” “Ehh…..No. I don’t think so buddy” OR “Des, did you update those control lists as promised before your last day?” answer: “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t; Happy Busy Season bossman. now we are even.”
Brainwash table? Hot fickle matter? False pride? What the fuck is going on here man. Where are my fucksticks and dickheads and motherfuckers? I need some heat.
- (2)(e) Second Year Staff Haha – I know… I know… amazing right… but yeah… experience getting yelled at by someone who is just as clueless as you are, but will never admit it. Experience the trilling spectacle of attending four 1 hour meetings, that could have been a two minute emails.
If Corporate America just cancelled all meetings and had everything done via email no joke 50% of people would lose their jobs tomorrow.
(3) Prepare to unlearn certain bad words such as “work-life balance, happy, chill & relaxed” then replace them with better, more efficient words like, “efficient, efficiency, billables, utilization, mandatory, stress, mandatory-stress, etc”
Good time to remind you that the only people who will ever care about you are your family and maybe if you’re lucky, a handful of friends. DO NOT expect your 32 year-old boss with 2 young kids and a new house and a dog to give a flying fuck about you making it to your friend’s wristband party he’s throwing himself for his 24th birthday in Old Town.
(4) Get ready to compete with your colleagues over how much of your life, energy, sanity, peace of mind, happiness and all round wellbeing as a human being, you are willing to sacrifice in exchange for “a good job on the last project Pal”, during an “important” meeting and to be fair just enough money so you don’t live on the streets and nothing more, leaving you no other option but to keep coming back for more. You will be in awe as to what extent some people will go for these “great” benefits.
(5) Major Benefit – Greatness Lesson: These are not bad people, these are just people put in shitty circumstances, and when you put people in shitty circumstances you create the above environment. If this is any consolation know this “without question, everyone here and in corporate world, from top to bottom is getting Anally Violated, by someone, somewhere, somehow. The only real question is, by WHO?”
More butt stuff? Wow. Deloitte. You bad boy.
Apparently, being anally violated, makes even reasonable people unbearable sometimes. You will learn to not take it too personally, when such treatment trickles down to you. Personally tho, I am not a big fan of “butt-stuff”, which is why, I am out. Consider this my last contribution to Deloitte. You are welcome.
Too bad because if you were a fan of butt-stuff it sounds like Deloitte would be a good place to work.
All jokes aside…
To every one of my friends, I love you, I cherish you and I’ll see you around…
To everyone else, I have a request to make… If I ever come back here asking for a job, Please, kindly turn me away.
Thank you all for everything. It’s been real.
Probably not as real as you think, Desmond.
PS - We are definitely NOT being won over by wine and corona for happy hour ok “Leadership”… Like Seriously?! after everything we do for you, you gon treat us like this? Corona and Wine IN OFFICE BUILDING?!…. nah bro… nah smh Do you not love us anymore? are we not good enough you? We have been together for how many years now and it’s like you don’t even know who we are. Corona! Wine! Office building! Seriously! i…i….i..i can’t even look at you right, just do better next time ok, uhhh Wine and Corona seriously…
My big takeaway is less butt stuff + sensible happy hour options = more productivity