The Super Bowl is on Sunday and as we all know, it’s a very important day in sports. The season finale of football, if you will. I’m never the type to try and tell you that I actually care about the Super Bowl nor that I really know what’s going on. I enjoy watching a game of football about as much as I enjoy watching lesbian porn– it’s nice that they’re having fun and I can see why people like it, but it doesn’t do much for me.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m kind of an expert at surviving and thriving at Super Bowl parties when you barely even know who’s playing. These are my key tips:
1. Pick your seating wisely
If you don’t care about the game, you’re going to be bored and miserable if you’re also stuck sitting on the floor while your ass goes numb. Sit on the couch. Camp out. Call dibs. Don’t let anyone take your spot on the couch because if there’s one thing that’ll make or break your evening, it’s that spot on the couch. But you have to make sure you pick the right spot on the couch.
Do NOT sit next to anyone who actually cares about the game. Find a casual sports fan with no skin in the game or another person who doesn’t care. If you’re seated next to an actual fan, they won’t be fun to talk to because they’ll be focused on the game or even worse, they’ll sit there explaining every aspect of the game to you as though you give a shit. In this case, stay as far away from any Patriots fans at your party as humanly possible.
Also, do your best to be seated in close proximity to the food, or with an easy escape so you can get to the food quickly if it’s not near the couch. That brings me to number 2 (ha)
2. Bring the best food
Look, you’re not going to be contributing much to this party in terms of atmosphere. Maybe you get into one really exciting play and yell along with everyone else, but for the most part, you’re there as an extra body. What you can do is bring the food that everyone wants. You can be the hero of the party just by making or buying something delicious.
The two stars of any Super Bowl party are wings and dips, but feel free to get creative with it if you know your recipe fucks. Last year my friend brought pulled chicken and 3 types of BBQ sauce for make-your-own sliders and they were the best thing I ate all day.
Classic dips are obviously buffalo chicken dip and spinach artichoke dip, but if you can find a delicious french onion dip and potato chips, you gotta bring that. And yeah, some vegetables are nice when you’ve been eating heavy crap all day, but leave the vegetable tray to some other square. You have to be better than that.
3. Play the easiest Super Bowl drinking game of all time
Here’s the only rule: buy a bottle of wine for yourself and drink it straight out of the bottle.
4. Don’t draw attention to yourself
Look, there’s nothing worse than someone at a Super Bowl party whose entire goal seems to be making sure everyone there knows she doesn’t like football and is like, only there for the halftime show. You have to be respectful. Football is like a religion to some people. Just because you don’t believe in it doesn’t mean you get to be a dick about the fact that you don’t! The best advice I can give is find someone to exchange eye-rolls with but otherwise drink your wine, eat your food, chat about whatever you want, but don’t be an asshole about not caring about the game.
The Super Bowl is just another Sunday Funday with a few extra activities, so most of all, just have fun and think about the plus side: you don’t have to pretend to care about football for another full year!!