Gillie & Wallo's Knockout Party | Replay Available Until 12/17BUY NOW

The Wind Chill Is Supposed To Be NEGATIVE Sixty Degrees In Parts Of The Midwest Next Week

I often have a hard time explaining what weather in the Midwest is like compared to New York City but I think I’ve finally figured it out. Weather in the Midwest is very very similar to east coast weather, the only difference is that weather in the Midwest is the extreme version of it. Take every weather-related thing that happens on the east coast (minus hurricanes, we don’t have those back home) and crank it the fuck up. The summers are hotter and more humid and make your balls sweat more and the winters are colder as evidenced by the graphic above. -60 degree wind chill????????? That’s fucking stupid. I miss home sometimes but this is not one of those times.

I will say, wind chill numbers are often juiced. Weather people love to throw out ridiculous wind chill numbers to get the people talking. I’m sure those insane wind chill numbers will change a bit as we get closer to the actual dates but, even with that in mind, the lowest wind chill I ever saw during my 27 years living in the Midwest was around -25. Never ever did I see anything close to -60. Is everything just cancelled when the temperatures are like that? Is it even safe to be outside for more than 8 seconds? I’d go as far to say people might have to move away for a couple weeks out of necessity.

By the way, I have a completely irrational rule where I don’t fully trust anyone who hasn’t lived through at least 10 winters. We can still be friends, we can still hang out, we can still go to dinner and have a good time but I’ll never fully trust my life in your hands. Living through multiple winters just does something to a person. It changes you. It makes you more resilient. If you haven’t had to scrape ice off your windshield for at least a decade then you don’t shit about shit.

Thoughts and Prayers to my Midwest brethern next week.