I Don't Work Out, I Walk My Dog: The Bachelor Recap Week 3

Fran1/22/2019 6:51 PM

Another phenomenal episode from Colton. The biggest Bachelor fans in the office (me and Trent) have decided we are very pro-Colton and we are sticking to it. For right now he is doing all good things. He seems like he’s anti-drama and not afraid to keep all the ladies in line. He’s also clearly listening to his producers who have made sure he’s kept Demi, Tracy, Hannah B., and Caelynn.

First Group Date:

Welcome to Pirate Dinner Adventure! I have never seen or heard of a place like this before. I figured it was like the pirate version of Medieval Times. Must be a geographical thing.

Colton is a…pirate? Who also just said…knucklehead. A great LOL moment. My 81 year old grandparents don’t even say knucklehead.

The pagaent drama is starting to pick up steam. Week 3 is just about the right time for things to heat up between them…ultimately ending during a 2 on 1 that my guess will be Week 5. Hannah B. doesn’t want to be on the same group date as Caelynn, and she is crumbling fast. She’s up on that plank knocking girls with that double sword foam thingy just taking everyone out. Every girl seems to be putting in zero effort into this competition except for Hannah. Once again, the girls who put in the maximum effort get zero reward. Hannah B. looks like a hardo up there and therefore does not get to compete for Colton’s heart and of course…Caelynn comes out on top and wins the kiss from Colton. Hannah B. clearly did not get the memo that laying low is the way to succeed on this show. Actually trying on group dates?? Complaining about other girls?? You’re toast.

Katie gets some one on one time with Colton and he is just grazing her shin. I have to say Kelly Keegs said it best. You could shave your legs that morning, but by the time the night date rolls around, you’re just begging Colton in your head to stop touching you.

In the background of the pageantry, Demi and Tracy are still going after each other. Demi just knows how to get under other girls’ skin. That’s just the kind of person she is. You know how to use the minimum amount of words for the maximum amount of hurt.

Demi knows how to make Tracy feel like absolute shit. Telling the woman eight years older than you that you feel soooo bad for her because it must be soooo hard to be surrounded by so many young, beautiful girls. RUTHLESS. That is some jedi mind shit. She made me feel insecure watching from the comfort of my own couch.

Then there is the spanking. Demi cuts Courtney’s time short (she’s pissed obvi) to blindfold Colton, spank him, then use a fake hand to creep down his leg to make him nervous. I am thoroughly convinced that Colton is terrified of Demi. Call me old fashioned, but surprising Colton with a blindfolded spanking is not cute or funny it’s just super awkward and inappropriate.

Back to Courtney being pissed. She confronts Demi about how she is treating some of the other girls and Demi calls Courtney “dude.” There is nothing I hate more than when girls call other girls “dude.” It makes my skin crawl. Also, Courtney is on the verge of breaking. The girl who is bothered by the attitude of the other girls is always the first to crack from the pressure of the show.

Caelynn gets some time with Colton, and DOES NOT bring up Hannah B. Meanwhile, Hannah can’t shut up about Caelynn. Miss Never Been Kissed, Heather, must get all her adrenaline from pitting Heather against Caelynn. She is actively telling Hannah to snitch on Caelynn. Damn Heather! She clearly knows how this show works, and is working to eliminate both girls as quickly as she can. Hannah even dares to kind of give Colton an ultimatum? She says, “If thats what you want, then you don’t want me.” Colton does not take that well, and she immediately tries to back pedal. All while whispering? Hannah, you’re still mic’d up. Whispering is going to do absolutely nothing. There are no secrets on this show, but nice try!

Same, Colton. Same.

Once again, SNITCHES GET STITCHES on this show. Caelynn gets to talk to Colton again, explain her side, she mentions there are some deep things she’s gone through in her life that she is not ready to tell Colton about, and cries. Bam. Caelynn gets the group date rose.

I’m living for the Hannah B. reaction shots. Anytime there is something good for Caelynn, you can count on us getting a shot of Hannah B. looking rattled.

One on One Date:

Elyse! She could not be more of a sleeper. If anyone chose her to go far on this show, I applaud you. I’m so mad at myself for not picking up on it because Elyse seems absolutely amazing. They go on a date to an amusement park with a bunch of little kids. Which at first sounds awful. I immediately thought Elyse would be pissed about her date getting crashed by children, BUT it was for a good cause and Colton was able to show off a passion of his, which is helping children in need.

Like I’ve said, I was super skeptical about Colton when he was announced as the bachelor. Colton continues to win me over. Elyse nailed it, that yes, there is something very sexy about men who can interact and are good with kids. Colton seemed great with those kids and it made him even more attractive. So far these dates are making Colton look prettyyy good!

During the evening portion of their date, Elyse opened up about her past, the death of her sister, and how that has changed her outlook on life. Elyse is a real, smart, beautiful woman who honestly may be too good for this show. Colton is totally captivated by her, it was adorable when he called her “unreal.”

I really don’t have anything to make fun of on this date. It actually felt very real and authentic. Except for the random country band that ABC got to play to end the night. That I can make fun of. It’s become a staple of this show and I love it. Tenille Arts? Sure! Never heard of them but let’s put them on TV and see what happens. I wonder if tons of up and coming or unknown country acts send in like audition tapes to ABC? That would be the dream to get to be the musical accompaniment to a romantic one on one date. ABC has a whole new reality show on their hands with this one. The quest to be the musical act on The Bachelor.

Second Group Date:

Bachelor’s Strongest Woman Competition. MY NIGHTMARE. An entire date of working out and physical activity. Sure I would get to look cute in my work out clothes but when the actual work out begins, I’m Nicole out there.

Preach.

Terry Crews and his wife step in as celebrity guests for this group date. ABC has been on a role this season with the guests. Maybe an updated budget? So far so good.

I just have to get it out, Onyeka annoys me so much. Sprinting off the bus and jumping into Colton’s arms? Relax. She seems ON all the time and I’m tired just thinking about that.

The actual competition is pretty boring. The girls lift things and move things. Onyeka wins the competition…just chill out. Chris Harrison and Fred Willard announce the competition, which I love. I would like to get Chris Harrison more involved in the group dates. I loved his announcing on Bachelor Winter Games. Fred Willard also seems to just love The Bachelor. We can count on him to have a cameo every season now. Another shoutout to Nicole. Watching her fail in that competition made me feel closer to her.

During the night portion of the group date Colton sends Caitlin home. That’s all she wrote for Ashley from Entourage. Poor girl was just too basic I guess. Caitlin seems to live a normal life and likes to hang out with friends. She pretty much said she had nothing meaningful to share from her life at that time. Well, that is just not going to cut it on this show. Booooring, bad TV, you’re out. I actually really liked Caitlin, she does seem normal. Which is a bad thing on this show, but a good thing in real life. So she has that going for her.

Nicole opens up to Colton, and she gets the group date rose. Victory for unathletic women everywhere!!

Pool Party NOT Cocktail Party:

Chris Harrison arrives to drop a BIG announcement that the cocktail party is cancelled. *GASP* Instead, the ladies get a pool party with Colton. *YAY*

Hannah B. just can’t NOT talk about Caelynn. It’s eating her up inside. Heather seems to be Hannah’s confidant on this show and Heather is just steering her in the wrong direction. Caelynn talks to Colton first about their drama, then Hannah gets her turn. Both girls call each other manipulative, fake, etc. etc.

Hannah B. is going to lose it. She may go nuclear. Her “tank of rage is FULL.” She’s already getting worked up with Colton and that is going to blow up in a big way. Roaring/hissing and saying, “just friggin trust me!!!!!” are definitely not the ways to help convince everyone you’re the normal one. Caelynn seems to get everything that Hannah B. wants, and that ugly green monster called jealousy is coming out.

Obviously Hannah B. lives to see another week, the drama is just getting started. BUT Colton sends home Catherine, Nina, and Bri.

I think a lot of people had Bri going far. Another shocking elimination from Colton! I have to say, it really seems like he is keeping the girls he has legit connections with (plus the ones producers need). Add Bri to the Paradise list. She can bring that Aussie accent all the way to Mexico.

After thoughts:

Demi completely overtook Catherine’s chance of being the villain this season.

We saw it for about two seconds, and obviously all these girls are gorgeous but DAMN ELYSE!!! Banging bikini bod.