Picture Blog: My Day At The Cubs Convention
I found this chart on Wikipdia…
Anyways it was the Cubs Convention this past weekend at the Grand Sheraton in Chicago’s Streeterville neighborhood. For some, this is a long anticipated weekend to wear your favorite jersey 3 days straight while seeking autographs from fringe-level major league baseball players. It’s Disney world for degenerates but not even the kind with real vices. I’m talking degenerates that are willing to have their 10 year old son stand in the main lobby with a sign around his neck begging you to sell him your Kyle Hendricks autograph voucher:
This is the scene though. Cubs convention is a place for only the serious of serious fans as I learned after commuting through some god awful weather:
The Friday snowstorm quickly turned to sledge and while that makes for a nice postcard, I bitterly suppose … getting around the city is an absolute fucking nightmare. Part of me hoped the storm would keep numbers down for the day and I was very wrong. It had no impact on attendance because midwestern values hold that shitty weather is a valid excuse to stay inside and drink so that’s what most of us did. Let’s get to the convention:
The Passes & Registration
Unremarkable at best. The recycled stock-level paper was flimsy and held a noticeable crease. I’m also not a fan of that much fine print for a convention but I understand someone in the legal department is just doing their job. For what it’s worth there was a lot of water on the floor in the lobby due to the snow and if someone slipped and fell I’m pretty sure the bottom right paragraph stipulates you can’t sue the Cubs. Plus plus risk management. Moving on.
My pass came without a lanyard which added a minor hiccup to check-in. But overall I was satisfied with the registration desk’s commitment to a secure environment. I was asked several questions about my nonexistent lanyard, whether I had already checked-in, etc. It was clear I had not, which meant I was eligible to receive my complimentary Convention backpack/drawstring tote.
Great for when you start going to the gym again.
Inside, convention goers were presented with a few marketing flyers for services no one will voluntarily use, an autograph scratch-off voucher and two separate calendars (PICTURED)… one for your pocket, and another for your fridge.
I’m keeping mine flipped to March because everything up to that point in 2019 completely fucking blows. Don’t look at me February people you know you’re mutants. Take comfort in knowing I already lost my pocket calendar and that my bag came without an autograph voucher, which means I was not eligible to stand in line with the diehards.
The Entrance
I hope you like fancy ambience (which is a pretty fancy word to begin with) because the Sheraton Grand Chicago was bringing the noise
Ambient lighting anyone?
Eat your heart out, landscape-interior/exterior sign designers. The Cubs wanted you to feel special when you showed up and they did. I felt very special. But then I realized a lot of that had to do with these guys:
*ENHANCE*
Ladies and gentlemen meet Badger and Angus. They are very good boys and huge Cubs fans.
This was a fantastic way to start the convention
The Scene
Pretty majestic I guess for a Sheraton. It’s not Caesars Palace okay fine whatever. But the banners were a nice touch. They do it at Wrigley:
Sammy Sosa was not there unfortunately
They also took the time to cover every elevator in the pace with some kind of adhesive poster. This was my favorite:
Easily the most intense elevator at the convention. Just opposite of this was Kyle Hendricks playing chess with Joe Maddon (Hendricks was winning.)
What else
Little pricey on the breakfast sandwich. Although full disclosure I didn’t have it. I overheard a couple guys saying it was fine. Other notable observations include: cheaper beer than Wrigley, all-beef vienna dogs and … JESUS CHRIST ARE THEY SELLING WHOLE PIZZAS?
If you ordered a whole pizza at Cubs Convention email me carl@barstoolsports.com we need to tell your story.
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The Day
I got the passes from a stoolie the day before and didn’t have much of an agenda heading in. I brought a couple very good buddies that love the Cubs but arguably love getting after it more. Our first move once we cleared the lanyard barrier and took in the very basic sights was to find the bar. It was on the main level.
It was virtually empty though when we showed up, with hotel staff instructing potential patrons that the bar would not be open until noon.
Do you guys want to walk around or find another bar in the hotel?
Insert Shulas:
Shula’s is the Sheraton’s steakhouse, which is technically open for breakfast. However the upscale nature of this establishment scares off 99% of Cubs Convention attendees so we basically had free reign on this place for 2 hours.
The 4 of us made our way through several *energy drink sponsor* vodkas with designated Rally Cig breaks. It’s important to get the good juju going early in the season so the 4 of us played our part. But when the bartender casually asked us, are you guys actually here for the convention? we knew it was time to leave and join our comrades. Time was flying by and we had so much to see.
There, I met brothers Adam and Sean from St. Charles. Big stoolies, bigger Cubs’ fans, better guys. This is their 17th Cubs Convention together. Not pictured is their dad and buddy, also in Cubs Hawaiian apparel. We were the only two groups of guys pregaming at Shula’s so I can vouch that these are the kinda guys you could do extra innings in the bleachers with on a Tuesday night. Anyways, story goes last year their old man was getting off an elevator on his way to his hotel room after a long Saturday night. On the way off the elevator, he saw a man with a large german shepherd waiting to get on. Like any normal dog guy he went to pet the dog and was promptly punched in the face by the dog’s owner. Some say he barked when he went to pet him. Some say he was just trying to be nice. But everyone can agree that he was attacked by a dog owner. The point? Head on a swivel always.
This is the normal scene
This is the Cubs convention scene. That’s what I thought.
Another couple hours here and we were really starting to find our groove. 4 hours in and we had logged maybe 600 paces collectively, almost all of which were going from in and out of Shulas to suck down parliaments. Whatever. We played our part adding to Uncle Tom’s bottom line one inflated bar tab at a time. And we had a blast taking in the sights and sounds that make Wrigley field such a special place 81 times a year. In other words the people watching was phenomenal.
Best Jerseys
Schwarber Hawks
Severe character limit
The wettest of wet blankets in your contact list.
The Masked Men
There were also guys in masks, which means you REALLY like the Cubs. See?
I don’t know where these guys come from but I kind of like them because it means I’m not the craziest person there and that’s always nice.
Name This Organ
Duh suckers it’s Gary Pressey spitting hot game. Obviously I didn’t want to cock block my guy GP so I kept my distance
After that it was time to hit the floor and see what the convention was all about.
The Fun!
Here’s a look at one of the former player panels. “Riveting” is defined as completely engrossing, compelling.
This is a scene I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But then again I cannot ever understand the mindset of the formal autograph hunt. Like this isn’t spring training. This is a straight up cattle call and exactly why Artificial Intelligence has already won.
The Merchandise.
The Cubs had a lot of merchandise on sale, most of which I can’t afford. Here are my favorites.
Bats! But if you look close enough you’ll see the one in the middle.
If you look harder, you’ll notice…
Hey that’s Jason Heyward’s bat. Shocker. $300 and you can be reminded for a lifetime just how unproductive and terrible he was last year. Don’t stab anyone with the broken shards when he hits .250
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Tommy La Stella game worn jersey. This is only important because it was a medium. Like a real men’s medium. Like next time you go into Old Navy hold up a medium. That’s Tommy La Stella’s size. Needless to say this jersey isn’t fitting anyone attending the convention myself included.
$20 for all these fitted beautiful hats. Only catch is they have the 2018 MLB Postseason logo on the side LOL and are sizes 7 7/8 and above. That reads as seven and seven-eights. If your head is that big you should be smart enough to make enough money to not have to thumb through the discount hat rack but that’s just me. I’m just a 7 1/8 guy.
FINALLY
You don’t go to the convention without WOO WOO that’s Cubs Convention 101.
PS he smelled GREAT
Overall
I give the Cubs Convention a B+ or a 55 on the 20-80 scale. I think it’s good enough to go, but don’t spend money. Get your passes for free then use the money you would have spent on great tasting, less filling Miller Lite.