Nothing Worse Than Making Coffee And Finding A Snake Trying To Bite Your Face Off

 ABC – “One hundred per cent we’ve been making coffee with a python in the machine,” Mr Fayfie said.

“He didn’t want to leave it.

The snake was a non-venomous diamond python, also known as a carpet python, just over two metres long.

Mr Fayfie was able to get the snake out of the coffee machine earlier this week, and it slithered off into nearby bushland.

These cafe owners being SHOCKED that a carpet python (great name for your penis if it was the 1970’s) decided to coil up and make a home in their coffee machine before crawling off into bushland (great name for your vagina if it was the 1970’s) is ridiculous. At this point no one in Australia should be shocked to find a snake in any location. It’s Australia, a place infamous for housing the deadliest animals on the planet. Creatures deadly enough to be held responsible for once eliminating the baddest man on the planet, The Crocodile Hunter. RIP Steve Erwin.

I understand having a snake big enough to be confused with a pipe in your coffee maker is dangerous, and probably a health code violation, BUT if I’m a patron of this coffee shop I’m more concerned about the MASSIVE amounts of dirt on the windows and the crusty ass paint brush next to the coffee machine. I’m a freak and I enjoy my coffee served black, but I’d rather not have it served to me with the black plague.

If I lived in Australia I would be in a constant state of paranoia, double checking anything and everything before using it. Bed sheets, shoes, household appliances, clothing pockets. Every damn nook and cranny. I would be so paranoid of critters lurking that I wouldn’t even use the toilet. I’d train myself to dissipate fecal matter with my brain, it’s the only safe option. Not a chance I’m sitting down to take a poop. Even after lifting up the toilet seat multiple times to check for deadly spiders, then banging around on the sides and under the lip of the bowl with the toilet brush – the odds of a venomous snake slithering up out of the plumbing is too damn high. (RIP to classic memes)