I'm Pretty Sure Every Addictive Game Is A Top Secret Government Test Project

Hollywood Reporter - It’s been nearly 11 years since cancer-stricken chemistry teacher Walter White (Bryan Cranston) first decided to break bad and bring ex-student Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) into a fateful meth-making partnership. As the popularity of prequel spin-off series Better Call Saul has proven though, the decade-plus passage of time has done little to assuage fans’ appetite for the show and its iconic characters.

Soon, Breaking Bad: Criminal Elements will offer fans a fresh way to get their fix. Criminal Elements will be a free-to-play mobile game from publisher FTX Games and developer Plamee. The strategy-focused offering will toss players into the deep end of Vince Gilligan’s absorbing, morally ambiguous universe.

Gilligan had the following to say in a statement accompanying the game’s reveal: “[FTX Games] care as much about the details as our creative team, and I have been very impressed with their commitment to building an authentic extension of the series’ story universe. I think this will be a fun experience for fans, to interact with characters from Breaking Bad in a completely new way.”

In addition to Walt and Jesse, characters will include fan-favorites Gus Fring, Saul Goodman and Mike Ehrmantraut. Players will interact with these familiar faces as they attempt to build and grow a criminal operation that could put Heisenberg’s to shame. 

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So here’s the thing- this blog started out about how I can’t wait for this Breaking Bad game and to build my own meth empire. And how I could totally forsee myself getting completely addicted to it. And while thinking about how I’d get addicted to it, I thought about the best drug dealing game ever created- Drug Wars for your TI-83 calculator.

#Only90sKidsRemember but man, so many countless hours spent playing Drug Wars. I asked Trent about this and they even had it in Iowa. Your teachers would think you’re doing work but you’d just be slinging crack on your calculator. I can’t even remember how the games got on there, but if you weren’t heavy in the TI-83 drug game, you were a nobody. And now think about it…now you’re addicted to drugs. Interesting huh?

Also shout out to the other great game, Block Dude.

And so then it got my brain going. Certainly are a lot of addicting games out there, put on our plates as young kids. Hmmmm. Sorta reminds me of how cigarettes used to be marketed towards children. Gotta start them young, right? Well I got to thinking and I developed this theory: From the time they put Snake on the old Nokia brick, our brains have been programmed to be absolutely addicted to playing mindless games on our tiny cell phone screens. And there’s nothing we can do about it. And then once technology got better, we were introduced to games like Candy Crush, Farmville and Angry Birds. The games didn’t make any sense, but the world was hopelessly addicted to them. Millions upon millions upon probably billions of dollars. And now kids are completely addicted to Minecraft and Fortnite. Kids are flunking school because they stay up til the wee hours of the knight playing them. All those games have the world completely hooked. But why?

Well, I figured it out. I’m pretty sure…no…I’m absolutely positive it’s some sort of government brain washing project. They are getting us addicted to games and making us play them in real life to find the best of the best for top secret projects. It’s the best way they can recruit, like in Ender’s Game. He thought he was just playing a training game to beat the aliens, but nope, he was actually fighting them that entire time. That’s what’s going on with Farmville. How else would they find the top farmer in the world? You think you’re just building a farm, but what if they’re actually looking for the world’s next great farmer. Some soccer mom from Idaho is probably revolutionizing the farm game right now and we don’t even know it. And think about Minecraft. There’s no real objective to Minecraft besides building. You just…build. And kids are addicted to it. There is obviously a bigger reason to it. Is it to…hmmm let’s see…build the WALL??????

And speaking of building…Fortnight. Building AND killing? Guys…you catching my drift here? Ninja is obviously a government agent a la Men In Black sent here to rope in children and make them building and killing machines. God dammit it was right in front of our eyes this entire time.

So will this Breaking Bad game find our next great double agent drug dealer? Absolutely. They will recruit the best of the best and use them to bring down the meth empires from the inside out. It’s so obvious and so many people don’t even realize it. And all I can hope is it’s me.