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Text Messages Reveal That El Chapo Wanted To Buy An AK-47 For His 1-Year-Old Daughter

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New York — Text messages exchanged between notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman and his wife while he was on the run in 2012 surfaced Wednesday at his U.S. trial, evidence the FBI says it uncovered with the help of a cyber tech for the cartel who flipped on the kingpin. The tech, Christian Rodriguez, also testified how Guzman was obsessed with spyware he had Rodriguez install on mobile phones he passed out to members of his inner circle, including love interests, to keep an eye on them. The software churned out reports on phone activity that are now being turned against the defendant.

Guzman said in the messages that he needed a new set of clothes, shampoo and some black dye for his mustache. “I love you, love,” he wrote. “Talk to you soon.” She responded at one point: “I hope so darling.” In an earlier exchange, Guzman described one of his daughters as “fearless,” adding, “I’m going to give her an AK-47 so she can hang with me.”

That’s drug kingpin life, baby! I love it so much. These are exactly the stories I wanted to come out now that El Chapo is on trial and people are snitching on him. Snitches get stitches (and probably A LOT worse when it comes to telling on El Chapo) but I’m glad the snitches are coming forward in this case. Few stories are better blog fodder than El Chapo doing crazy drug kingpin shit. I hope his trial never ever ends.

Anyway. Wanting to buy your 1-year-old daughter a powerful assault rifle seems like an outrageous idea but it’s only outrageous to us law-abiding folks. We can’t comprehend that or why its necessary. It’s really not that outrageous for the life El Chapo led. Every story you read about El Chapo has to be viewed through the Biggest Drug Kingpin In The History Of Planet Earth lens. That line of work will change the behavior of a person but it’s all relative. We’d also be uncomfortable with the idea of supplying 95% of the cocaine to the United States of America but El Chapo did that too.

El Chapo wanting to buy his daughter an AK-47 so they can hang out would be like a normal dad buying his daughter a used set of golf clubs so they can spend more time together. El Chapo just wanted his daughter to be able to relate to him more, and to do that, she needed to own an assault rifle. It also doesn’t hurt to have another gunman hanging around the house. In case you’ve never seen any movie or TV show ever, drug dealing is a notoriously competitive occupation and shit can pop off at any second. It can’t hurt to have a 1-year-old spraying at the enemy. Just gotta point her in the right direction.