Does This Look Like The Face Of A 32-Year-Old Woman That Is Accused Of Pretending To Be A 15-Year-Old Homeless Girl So She Could Attend High School?

WNYT- Parents in Cairo are concerned after learning a 32-year-old woman pretended to be a homeless teen to enroll in high school classes. Michaelann Goodrich told Cairo-Durham School District administrators that she was 15-year-old Riley Madison. She was arrested on the 28th and charged with offering a false instrument for filing, falsifying business records, and criminal trespassing. Taibi said Goodrich did attend one day of classes and rode the bus to and from school on December 20th. He said she was absent on Dec. 21 and holiday break began the following week.

Investigators still don’t know why Goodrich tried to enroll in classes at Cairo-Durham High School. District Superintendent Anthony Taibi said administrators immediately felt something was off. Joel Rowell is a Senior Investigator with the Greene County Sheriff’s Department. He’s one of the people assigned to the case. “She could’ve gone in numerous different ways to obtain a degree and we actually found out through the investigation and that she has a high school diploma,” Rowell said. “So that just leads to our investigation to try to figure out what exactly her motive was for attending school.” Taibi said under the McKinney-Vento Act, the district had to admit the Goodrich immediately because she claimed to be homeless.

Congratulations Michaelann Goodrich, you are officially the zaniest son of a bitch I have blogged about in a while. Sneaking back into high school in your 30s after getting your diploma while I still have nightmares about not being prepared for tests or forgetting my locker combination despite graduating almost two decades ago is pretty much certifiable in itself. Sneaking back into high school after surviving four years of being trapped in class rooms and trying to look cool is like sneaking back into prison. The day you can finally sing no more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks one last time is a Top 5 day in any human’s life.

In fact, I spent the last hour trying to rack my brain for why a 30-something woman would try to sneak back into high school and I’ll admit I got nothing. At first I thought that maybe Michaelann believed she learned from her mistakes her first go around in high school and could become one of the popular girls in school with the foresight of an adult. And I’ll admit, that plan makes sense and the name Riley Madison sounds like someone that could sit atop the Iron Throne of a high school’s popularity caste system, probably because she also is a porn star in my mind. But the big problem with that line of thinking is that nobody that looks like a fucking narc is going to be able to become the Regina George of a school. Anybody that ever had an Old in a college class knows you instinctively do not trust that person (I’m old, so I’m allowed to say that word and be tough on Michaelann). And in case being the new girl in a high school wasn’t tough enough, Michaelann decided to put her social life on All-Madden and become the new homeless girl in class. The new homeless girl isn’t winning Homecoming Queen. She is being cyber bullied because she is either 32-years-old or has been living homeless years and APPEARS to be 32. It’s popularity suicide, Benny.

I am sure there are criminal reasons for trying to sneak into a high school, but none of them are worth the anxiousness that comes with being surrounded and judged by high schoolers every day. Worst plan ever, Michaelann. You have officially been rebuked along with the security at this high school that would let some cuckoo 32-year-old lady sneak into their school.