Should I Send Someone A Bag Of Dicks For Christmas?

I’d say I like 99% of people in the world. However, I hold grudges like no other. I’m not very confrontational, and most of my life I wonder how to tell certain people hey, you’re a flaming garbage bag of a human being and I think that you should go ahead and eat a bag of dicks. If you’re like me, and you have a hard time speaking your mind, you are in LUCK.

There’s so many different options here, too! You can send the dicks with confetti or glitter. Or, you can take it another step and simply send an entire envelope full of glitter. The bag of dicks is a classic, but this is pretty good too. Ten dollars and you can get glitter all over an enemy:

Someone wise once said that glitter is the herpes of the craft world- once you’ve got it, it never goes away. And that’s true. As a former sorority girl, I still find glitter in random places from the times I had to make things for my big, little, and other assorted sisters. I haven’t crafted in two years. It never. Goes. Away.

The only caveat is that you need to know these peoples’ addresses in order to send them these perfect gifts. If you don’t know their address, you’re shit out of luck. So we are clear, I am not advocating for you somehow creeping and finding where they live/work. So if that guy who was a dick to you in third grade doesn’t live at home any more, you might not be able to send anything to him, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

You can also just send something like this to a friend to be an asshole. Obviously my grudge-ridden brain goes straight to sending them to my few enemies, but it would probably be equally funny to send to your friend and make him open a bag of gummy dicks on Christmas morning in front of Nana.

Merry Christmas, and send responsibly.