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Kate Beckinsale's Secret To Never Aging Is...A Facial Of Liquified Cloned Foreskins?


Well I guess that solves the mystery of how Kate Beckinsale continues to be an ageless banshee and to be honest, I am more than fine with it. Yeah her face being covered in liquified baby dick skin may be off-putting to some. But you always knew that there had to be some reason Kate didn’t age a goddamn day over the last 20 years. Oh you think you can just drink some water from a magical fountain to get young? Get the fuck out of my face Ponce de Leon. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula. Barry Bonds wasn’t hitting moonshots every other at bat by drinking a tall glass of whole milk before every game and Kate Beckinsale hasn’t been throwing 100 on the black forever with just good genes. Nope, turns out Kate doesn’t mind throwing some cloned baby dick tips on her perfect face to fight off Mother Time.

I know there are some people who are against cloning or using stem cells. But if you told me that Kate Beckinsale snatched peoples souls like Shang Tsung or drank the blood of children to continue to bring the heat and I would have had no problem because people just don’t look like that at the age of 45. FORTY FIVE! If you look at this at the age of 45, you better be doing something cutting edge or else it means God clearly turned off the aging feature of your body when he made you, which is fucked up for the other 8 billion of us in the species.

I know Barstool isn’t a place people look for financial advice. But if Kate Beckinsale is the new face of cloned foreskin facemasks, I am taking every dollar reserved for my family’s Christmas presents and investing them in the cloned foreskin facemask industry while also kicking myself for not pocketing Baby Clem’s foreskin that is probably worth its weight in platinum after this revelation. God bless technology!