NFL Monday Morning Rewind
Before we get started a word on Mike Carey. Holy fucking shit is this guy creepy looking without his ref hat on. I don’t know what it is but every time he comes on the TV on Sunday I audibly gasp. And for some reason he’s EVERYWHERE. Red Zone, CBS, I know he’s not on Fox but I’m 99.9% sure he was. At one point I had Mike Carey on both TV’s staring into my soul. Make it stop NFL. I’m not saying fire him but at least make him wear a hat or something. And now that’s I’m saying it why doesn’t he? If you’re the officiating expert I want you in full officials clothes. Go all the way. Uniform, hat, whistle. Fuck I’d be ok with you throwing flags at the TV if it means you won’t be doing this anymore. So that’s it, Mike Carey, please fix your face. End of Rant.
The games….
Miami 10, Buffalo 29
So here’s something no one expected to be said before the season began. The Buffalo Bills are sneaky kind of good. Opening week win in Chicago, an absolute beat down of Miami. Yeah, I think the Bills are good. Crazy.
Also, CJ Spiller is really fucking fast.
Detroit 7, Carolina 24
The best moment for the Lions on Sunday was that time Ms. Stafford and Reggie Bush’s fake Kim Kardashian wife took a picture outside of the stadium pre-game.
Because the stories of a historic Lions offense have been greatly exaggerated.
On the bright side though, at least you weren’t this guy who went to the bar with receiver gloves on. So hardcore.
Atlanta 10, Cincinnati 24
Holy shit what a pass by Andy Da…..Mohammed Sanu?
And now the Bengals are the soup du juor in the NFL. Which means they will most likely do something weird and lose by 28 points next week.
Nothing says Thug Life like a sweet sun tattoo on the back or your neck.
New Orleans 24, Cleveland 26
And your weekly, “game that fucked everyone’s tease” goes to the Saints. Who had a new refurbished Defense going into this season which has quickly devolved into Rex Ryan getting emasculated on the sideline by Sean Payton.
Because any time you let this guy beat you, you know you fucking suck at your job.
You have to love how winning and losing in Cleveland basically looks like the exact same thing.
I’m so happy for you broooooo! (I hope you tear your ACL in practice this week)
I’m genuinely happy for Browns fans though. They need something like this. And when it comes to Browns fans there is a direct correlation between how happy I am for you and how fat you are.
Because if you’re an obese Browns fan from Cleveland, well you need as many people supporting you as possible.
New England 30, Minnesota 7
What happened in the Vikings/Patriots game yesterday. Well for one we learned that Week 1 didn’t mean shit. A Bad Patriots loss, a huge Vikings win and basically the exact opposite on Sunday.
And 2, that Vikings fans are fucking weird as shit.
Still can’t get over this guy’s standing game. Absolute savage foot placement.
Arizona 25, NY Giants 14
Oh Eli…
You lost to Drew Stanton. Drew fucking Stanton. The guy who’s last big win was against this team.
Dallas 26, Tennessee 10
Remember Rolando Mclain? The guy who was unbelievable at Alabama, then went to the Raiders, quit football, got arrested and is now back? This guy?
Well apparently he’s good again.
.
And the Titans are kind of upset about it.
Bold Prediction – The Cowboys are winning the NFC East. People don’t realize they’re not that bad and other than the Eagles the East is trash. I’m telling you right now, Cowboys are going to the playoffs. Remember we had this talk (only if I end up being right).
Jacksonville 10, Washington 41
I hope you’re sitting down because I have some shocking news to tell you. RG III got injured again.
Now as a diehard Bulls and D-Rose fan I can speak from experience here. Sucks that he got injured. Sucks that he’s missing time again. But when you’re judging a quarterback and their value these things matter. Cousins may not have as much talent but if he can stay healthy you have to roll with him. RG III at this point isn’t real, he’s a big “if”. Just like D-Rose is an “if” at this point. If he can stay healthy. And this is also where I remind everyone that there are no old running quarterbacks for a reason. These guys don’t last.
Also, the Jaguars are still the Jaguars.
Think these two ever 69?
If you close your eyes, it’s basically Caliendo doing Gruden.
…
Seattle 21, San Diego 30
…
Philip Fucking Rivers is officially back baby.
…
Antonio Gates, still somehow got it.
Whatever man…
St. Louis 19, Tampa Bay 17
I had a 32 oz rib eye last night and pooped my pants a little this morning, good game.
Kansas City 17, Denver 24
Hold on, is that, Peyton Manning yelling at a receiver? Oh my god, what a dick, let’s all write a million columns about his bad attitude.
Alex Smith just going YOLO on everyone throwing balls a solid 5 yards past the line of scrimmage.
Would anyone notice if I wiped my grundle with this flag?
NY Jets 24, Green Bay 31
The Jets were not the Jets.
And then they were the Jets
And then they did the most Jets thing ever calling a timeout at the last second before a beautiful game tying touchdown.
Houston 30, Oakland 14
JJ Watt compelled everyone on twitter to make a “Turn Down For Watt” joke after scoring this touchdown.
And the Raiders are still very much the Raiders
Fun times.
Chicago 28, San Francisco 20
The Bears have never lost a game when Marc Trestman has flapped a flag in the pregame national anthem. Fact.
…
…
Da Coach.
