There's A New App That Will Let You Talk To Your Friends After They Die Horribly. Why?

(BI) — If thousands of years of human storytelling is anything to go by, waking the dead is rarely a good idea. From ancient Greece to “Black Mirror,” fiction tells us that there are drawbacks in summoning loved ones from the grave.At the moment, Eternime takes the form of an app which collects data about you. It does this in two ways: Automatically harvesting heaps of smartphone data, and by asking you questions through a chatbot. The goal is to collect enough data about you so that when the technology catches up, it will be able to create a chatbot “avatar” of you after you die, which your loved ones can then interact with. “We collect geolocation, motion, activity, health app data, sleep data, photos, messages that users put in the app. We also collect Facebook data from external sources,” Ursache told Business Insider. This is all done, of course, with your explicit permission.

First thing’s first, this is the most obvious scam of all time. The viral tweets that say “Your rap name is the numbers on your credit card + your zip code” are a more subtle way of asking to steal from you than this Eternime nonsense. “Automatically harvesting heaps of smartphone data”? “Collect geolocation, motion, activity, healthy data, sleep data, photos, and messages”? Are you kidding me? At least Facebook had the respect to hide all of their nefarious actions under a mountain of fine print, they didn’t piss on your head and tell you it’s raining. They pissed on your head and thought, “Lmfao they think this is rain.”

But really, the main point of this blog, is why would you want to text your friends? Every single time my phone vibrates with a text I’m immediately disappointed, before ever seeing who it’s from, because it means I just got alerted that I have a chore to do. I have to have a conversation that I really don’t want to have. I don’t know what the conversation is even going to be about, I just know I don’t want to have it. My best friends I talk to maybe once every few months and it’s only face to face. We don’t text, we don’t call, we sure as hell don’t FaceTime, we just wait until fate brings us together and it’s like we’re in the high school cafeteria again and no time has passed. Keith and Kevin are my best friends in the office, you know how often we talk? Never unless there’s a microphone in front of us. Keith and I get drinks after work every single day and say literally three words the entire time. We just sit there, because friendship is being comfortable not talking to the person you’re with.

I’ve lost a friend and boy would he HATE me if I was always texting him “I miss you” and he’d be infuriated with me always asking his eternal, data-mined mind “Sup?” He’d reply “Look if you’ve got something you need to talk about then get to the point. I’m not doing the ‘hey’ then having some meaningless talk just because you’ve got nothing to do so you decided to drag me into depths of boredom with you. Get to the point with your text and let’s get to the end of this.” That’s what real friends say when you waste their time, whether they’re dead or alive.