I am heading down to Gainesville, FL this weekend for The Royal Gator Nation Takeover sponsored by BUD LIGHT, and I am fucking terrified.
The idea behind it is that the good people at BUD LIGHT would sponsor a pub crawl through Gainesville the night before the Gators are scheduled to play South Carolina, and a couple of content guys from Barstool would go to meet and drink with local fans of the team, the beer, and the site. They’ve thrown similar parties before other SEC games this season and in seasons past, with a host of characters from Barstool making their way down.
This go-around, I am traveling with Feits and Clancy, and that just doesn’t help… Look at the flyer…
First off, that orange filter they ran our picture thru makes me look like the sun-baby from the Teletubbies…
Which I only know because I have kids who watched it, but everyone else at this party will know because they just recently stopped watching it.
Getting back to that flyer… I have to say- I haven’t been gay in years, but Kevin and John’s hair in this picture look downright delicious. And whoever photoshopped the 3 of us in there obviously made it so I would look like an erect penis flanked by two perfectly coiffed testicles… You can’t tell me different.
But that’s not my issue… Here’s why I am a little terrified:
– I am the only person involved with this thing who regularly eats dinner at 3 PM.
– I am the only person there who puts on his glasses before he uses a urinal.
– I sleep with a relaxation mask… Which isn’t really a bullet point worth mentioning, but it’s a potential source of ridicule if I get a roomie.
– Both John and Kevin will probably need to check a bag filled with hair products and various gels and salves that give them timeless beauty… I will throw a bottle of Gold Bond in my duffel and maybe buy a travel-sized bar of Ivory at the airport.
– The last song I bought on iTunes was “Shake It” by MC Shy D, which is more terrible than I remember it being when it was released in 1987… 10 years before most of the kids at this event were even born.
So what I am saying is- I am old af… I am reminded of it every day at this office, and that reminder will be increased ten-fold in a bar full of co-eds.
In a last-ditch cry for help, I asked my wife if she was worried that the big man was going to a college party 1,000 miles away thinking that maybe her concern or even jealousy would feed my confidence, and she simply said, “Easy, there ‘Bread Pitt’… Those girls will ask you for help with their taxes before they ask you for help with their bras.”
Little harsh, but fair, I suppose… The whole ‘Bread Pitt’- thing kinda stung, if we’re being honest.
I think when events like this get planned, the powers that be envision someone a little less “seasoned” than myself showing up, but you know what?… Fuck it.
I’m a fan of alcohol. Shit, I’ve thrown up on myself in three different continents, and my liver is so black… “HOW BLACK IS IT?!?!”… It is sooo black, Megyn Kelly went dressed as it for Halloween.
I’m also a fan of BUD LIGHT… Heavier beers all have their place in my life, but it’s going to be 85 and sunny in Gainesville, so you can take your heavy stouts and bitter craft beers, and shove them right up your ass.
Since Schaefer Beer is now only readily available in Guam, BUD LIGHT is the one I have when I am having more than one. Therefore and in conclusion, this old sonofabitch is going to fly his fat ass down South on Friday and (responsibly) drink these little (21 years or older) kids under the fucking table.
Wish me luck, and take a report.
PS… I am rooting for the Gators this weekend (-6.5), only because I can’t comfortably share a room with either Feits or Clancy the same week I type, “I am really pulling for those ‘Cocks.”