Free Blow Jobs! Pornhub Is Offering Free Leaf Removal For New Yorkers
USA TODAY- Pornhub, an international pornography company, is launching a free leaf removal promotion. And, of all places, it has chosen Dutchess County, New York, as the area to debut the service. The adult video website is teaming with Poughkeepsie-based Dutchess Lawns for a three-day promotion in which Dutchess residents and businesses can receive free leaf removal. The requests will be satisfied Wednesday through Friday this week, on a first-come, first-served basis, said Jay Lotaj, CEO of Dutchess Lawns.
Pornhub wanted to launch the promotion in an upstate New York area, given its reputation for fall foliage, and chose Dutchess at random, according to the company. It hopes to follow a similar process in expanding the leaf-blowing service to other areas, but nothing has yet been planned.
Any home or business can receive the service by sending a request to a suggestively named email address — blows@pornhub.com. Customers must include their name, address, phone number and proof of address in the request, and they must present a valid ID matching the request when the crew arrives, according to a release from Pornhub.
Pornhub you beautiful sons of bitches, you! As if offering 8 bazillion terabytes of crystal clear HD 4K porn that will scratch the itch of even the most imaginative and freaky souls on the planet for FREE, you go out and run up the score on all those smaller, shittier porn sites by taking care of what has to be the most annoying part of owning a house in the Northeast. It’s not cheap to hire someone to do it and a neighbor offering to help for free is about as emasculating as it gets. But I have no problem at all accepting help from the website I spend some of my most intimate moments with. Give me one free rake session over a free all expenses paid week at Pornhub fantasy camp any day of the week.
My wife puts up with a lot being married to a fat, lazy smut blogger. But the only time I sense true frustration in her voice is when the leaves pile up in the fall, which no surprise is currently the case because Blog Don’t Sleep during the week and Football Don’t Sleep during the weekends. But just as I was cursing myself for buying 1.5 acres of property in Winterfell (nbd) that I actually have to get off my ass and clean up every year, here comes Pornhub swooping in when I need them most like the Knights of the Vale during the Battle of the Bastards. Forget about porn ruining marriages. It’s saving them! I obviously don’t care if Pornhub wants to put their logo on a bunch of guys that will rake my leaves and I guarantee even the most uptight losers in my neighborhood that wouldn’t dare look at a naked body on their phone have no problem letting someone else break their back to pick up the leafy tree bukakke that infests their yard every year. Shit, I would let Satan himself into my home for a glass of water and small talk if it meant getting rid of my leaves for free. I actually may move one county north to Dutchess County because no landscaping company in my neck of the woods have the balls to make this deal.
Now would a young single Clem have wished that some of his favorite stars from the Pornhub small screen were raking his leaves up? Maybe. But I know those girls work hard enough as is and while they may be handy with a rake, they will not be nearly as efficient as a trained professional. So instead I will have some of my favorite throwback stars teach me helpful tips around the home as I sit inside and definitely do not rake my own leaves.