It Turns Out Portland Trail Blazers Fans Still Have No Fucking Clue How To Play Tic Tac Toe

I don’t know if the good people of Portland have smoked themselves dumb or those damn millennials have killed board games. But there is officially a tic-tac-toe problem in Oregon. This ain’t chess, it ain’t checkers, it ain’t even Connect Four. It’s fucking tic-tac-toe, three in a row. I understand that it is tough to hit a layup and run to a board while adrenaline rushes through your body as thousands of maniacs scream at you. But this move flat out triggered me. On Election Day no less!

On what planet can you just put your X on top of someone else’s O during tic-tac-toe? This isn’t some military coup game. It’s as democratic as they come.

However, that move was then quickly outdone by worse defense than anything James Harden has done during his days as a Rocket.

Elisa, are you fucking with me? Do you know the point of the game is to not only get three in a row, but also prevent your opponent from doing so? At this point, she is begging Charlene to take home the W. If Elisa pulled that shit in an NBA team, Adam Silver would fine her $50,000 for tanking.

Luckily for Elisa, Charlene was ALSO trying to lose or doesn’t know the secret to Tic Tac Toe is to just put your game piece into the open space in the same row as the other two game pieces that look exactly the same.

Again, I could let this go if this was a first time offense or just two shitty tic-tac-toe players. But we have proof that there is a systemic breakdown of tic-tac-toe playing in Portland that is downright shameful as it is one of the great quick time passers that man has ever created.

Sorry Blazers fans. Your team has a cool name, logo, and Dame Lillard turning into a cold blooded killer on the court whenever he gets snubbed for something is fun to watch. But once Seattle gets a team back, they are officially the NBA darlings of the Pacific Northwest and you are back to being the redheaded step child until you can at least learn to get three letters in a row (to be honest, that was going to happen anyway because everybody loves the Sonics due to their sick throwbacks and Shawn Kemp highlights).