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I’m new to Barstool, I'm from Utah, no I’m not Mormon

Soaking, hot-dogs, and hot girls oh my! Lets start easy. My name is Sofia Franklyn. I’m new to barstool and will start blogging regularly. I figured I have some insight that no one else in the office has being that I grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah.  And no, my father wasn’t a polygamist, and no, my mother didn’t have 7 sister wives. Although on occasion I would see a gaggle of sister wives at Costco, their home spun dresses covering them ankles to wrists, buying in bulk…

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Makes sense when you have 40+ mouths to feed!!!

But that shit’s boring in comparison to the sex in Utah. Let’s get into the sex talk because there was a lot of kinky shit happening when I was there. Aaaaah. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at the school dance doing the cha cha slide minding my own business and next thing i knew, my friend got cummed on! Sure, we’ve all been there. You grab a girl for a slow dance, things start getting hot and heavy…But I bet you haven’t creamed your pants. At least not recently, hopefully… (if so listen to Ep 4 of the CallHerDaddy podcast for help) Be careful out there folks. Going out dancing in Utah is not for the faint of heart.

I preface with this story because this is a recurring theme in my hometown..

Since sex before marriage is considered a sin in Utah slash mormon culture (yea, not even masturbation) all those sexually deprived peeps are trying to find ways to justify sex and self-gratification, and damn they are creative. But just like my mama always used to tell me, “Justification is just like masturbation, you’re only screwing yourself.”

One of my favorites? Soaking. Or the act of sticking it in with no thrusts. Parking it, floating it, marinating it. What have you. I personally have never dated someone that requested that but, MY GOD! If I did I think I would have found my husband. You’re telling me I don’t have to put any work in? We can just hold each other, playing the weirdest, kinkiest game of freeze tag ever until we fall asleep? Sign me up!

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If u think soaking sounds a little amateur hour, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. Introducing the hot dog in a bun. The weiner being the hot dog and the vagina being the bun (duh). 

Which I find misleading because it should be a hot dog ON a bun aka rub ON her vagina. IN a bun=SEX. ON a bun=NOT sex. I wonder if the director of ’Sausage Party’ was a masturbationally deprived 14 year old mormon boy, but i digress. The ‘ol hot dog in a bun trick makes you as much a virgin as ordering your hot dog on the side makes you a vegan.

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And if you’re into cunnilingus or butt stuff, Utah is your huckleberry, because as the mormons say in Utah “oral is moral”. Again its not sex if the p doesn’t enter the v guys. Not even anal.

On second thought, maybe all of us should be taking notes in case we ever get caught cheating. “Babe! Since when is soaking cheating?! There was no gyration after penetration! It wasn’t even actually sex!” Anyways.

Although they may be a little sexually deranged and confused, the women in Utah are beautiful. For a couple reasons. They are raised from a young age with the sole purpose of finding a man and procreating aka try to be as virtuously hot as possible so that a man will pick you to procreate. Should we be so lucky! In fact, Utah has more plastic surgeons per capita than L.A. So basically you’ve got a small pond stocked full of big fish. And by big fish I mean hot 20 year olds with big fake boobs, not drinking coffee (caffeine is a big no no in the church), wanting nothing more than to be barefoot and pregnant until they’ve pushed out their fourth kid in 3 years. They are also abstaining from drugs and alcohol which is great for your skin. This is why I’ll be looking 40 when I’m 30.  

Surprisingly, only half of my friends and family in Utah have disowned me. The title of my last podcast was “Small Dicks for the Win and Using Tears as Lube”. It was a real hit with the mormons back home. Only half kidding. I’m fine providing their guilty pleasure while simultaneously ruining my reputation. For now.

I’m Sofia, I’m not mormon, and I only have love for Utah.