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CAA Agent Brodie Van Wagenen Hired As The Mets New GM

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So the Mets look like they have found their man. It took 6 months, and countless potential candidates turning down the offer to ever fucking interview for the position because no successful baseball mind wants ANY part of working under that weasel Jeff Wilpon, but the Mets have agreed to terms with Brodie. They had narrowed the field to 3 choices this week:

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A) Doug Melvin – He’s approximately 135 years old. He looks like your dad when he takes vacation from work and wears the same Tommy Bahama short sleeved button up for a week straight. Hes the guy who used to run the Brewers back when they sucked and immediately when he was replaced with a new age analytics GM, the Brewers went straight to the NLCS. And back in 2015 he was quoted as saying “The job has grown to the point that it’s probably suited to somebody younger than me.” That was three years ago. So in summation, hes a stubborn old school guy pushing 70 who openly admitted hes too old to be a GM. No thanks.

2) Chaim Bloom – L’Chaim! At 35 years old and a hardcore analytics guy who’s spent the last 14 years helping assemble new age, numbers driven teams in Tampa Bay, hes the exact opposite of Doug Melvin. If I’m being honest, for years I always said I wanted to Mets to put together a front office like the Rays. Not that the Rays have been a dynasty or anything, but the amount of talent they secured early on in player’s careers and the amount of success they had despite playing in front of zero fans in the worst facility in all of sports is impressive. When I found out their owner was a Goldman Sachs guy who approached his team like a financial instrument trying to capture an advantage in arbitrage opportunities, I fell in love with that concept. Coming from the Wilpons who either never spend any money, or spend it very stupidly, the thought of a front office who was obsessed with money and stats and maximizing efficiency was pure sex. So, I should be in love with the idea of a 35 year old Ivy League Grad whos spent his entire life – from intern till now – approaching baseball that way.

However I never wanted a guy with the name “Hi-um.” I’ll be honest I just dont think Chaim is gonna sign enough Dominicans.

Which leaves us with option number D) Brodie Van Wagenen. So which team does this Winklevoss lookin motherfucker come from? Which front office philosophy does he subscribe to – modern analytics or old school baseball “feel?” Which GM/Coaching tree does he come from? Well, fucking none, Because Brodie Van Wagenen is a baseball agent. Who represents like half the goddam Mets. Jacob deGrom, Noah Syndergaard, Yoenis Cespedes, Tim Tebow, Brandon Nimmo, Todd Frazier…the list goes on.

They didnt like the ancient old school guy. They didnt like the progressive baby face. So they went with….an agent. What a fucking METS move. Lets check in with some of the industry’s smartest baseball minds to see what they think!

Sounds about right! Zero experience. All sorts of conflict of interest. And an awful name to boot. What a fucking swing and a miss from the Mets. They were already picking from MLB’s scraps. Like I said, most people wouldnt even take a meeting with the team because they want no part of working with the Wilpons. So these three were already examples of guys desperate enough to take on that Sisyphean Task. And hes undoubtedly the worst of the bunch. I am all for thinking outside the box and coming up with forward-thinking hires and what not. But this is just asinine. The Mets hired fucking Ari Gold to manage their whole franchise. I’m sure for some other franchises this might end up working out and marking a paradigm shift in baseball. A benchmark in time that changed the way the league was viewed forever. But since its the Mets theres no doubt in my mind Brodie Van Wagenen will be in WAY over his head and will embarrass himself. No doubt in my mind he’ll just be a puppet for Fred and Jeff Wilpon and this will be another LOLMets moment. People will look back being like “Remember when the Mets thought hiring a baseball agent with no experience was a good idea?? What a bunch of fucking idiots.” Just add it to the list. Par for the course.

To be honest, at the end of the day, it doesnt matter. You could hire Theo Epstein and Jeff Wilpon would still get his grubby little raccoon paws all over this team and ruin it. Same thing as James Dolan with the Knicks. It all starts at the top. Until thats fixed, it doesnt matter who’s underneath them. So, no, I dont think Brodie Van Wagenen is a good hire. But no, I dont think it would make a difference if they went with Chaim Bloom instead. As always, FIRE WILPON