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Research Shows Men Hide In The Bathroom For Seven Hours A Year. I Call Bullshit.

(Mirror)A third of British blokes admit to HIDING in their bathrooms to get some peace and quiet, according to a study. Researchers who polled 1,000 men found they spend a total of seven hours a year in the bathroom – just for brief respite.

In addition to getting some quiet time, they also escape to the toilet when their other half is ‘nagging’ them – or to avoid the kids. Chore avoidance and the chance to look at their mobile phone undisturbed are also key reasons for nipping off to the bathroom.

This is the most outrageous “research” article I’ve ever read in my life but luckily we all know that science is a liar sometimes. Seven hours? Men hide in the bathroom for seven hours a year? It’s not even close to that. I would conservatively say that I hide in the bathroom for about 500 hours annually and I don’t even have kids or a wife or anyone who cares whether I live or die, really.

I don’t have anything to “hide” from in my whole life. Nothing physically, at least. I’m a human so of course I hide from checking my bank statements, important emails, any kind of actual physical mail, friends in town for the weekend, and all that stuff, but I don’t have things like chores or responsibilities to hide from.

Yet, I do. I spend at least two hours a day in the bathroom because there’s just something very calming about it. The bathroom is my safe space, my happy place, my blankey. I feel comfortable in there. You could argue it’s because I’m a piece of shit and I wouldn’t fight you, but that would be mean of you. The bathroom is just the only place I find peace. It’s my fortress of solitude. I’ll sit on the toilet for an hour looking at social media or reading articles, I’ve watched full Netflix episodes in there, then I get in the shower and basically take a damn nap cow style (that’s standing, folks) while listening to calming music because the acoustics in a bathroom are so great.

I may be speaking out of turn but I think women don’t understand the relaxing powers of the bathroom because for them it’s a place of business. It’s for hair straightening and lash extending and lipstick putting onning. For men it’s a place to be alone and not have anyone talking to you or asking for attention. The bathroom is our island and it’s my favorite place to be in the world. If I get to heaven and my Good Place isn’t just a beautiful bathroom to spend eternity I will be horribly disappointed.