FiveThirtyEight's Ultimate Halloween Candy Polls Are The Fakest News I've Ever Seen

Look, it’s a Wednesday afternoon and I don’t wanna be blogging about polls, but it’s my duty because this shit is an absolute travesty. Peanut butter cups in the top 2 spots? NO CHANNNCEEEEE. That poll put me in a bad mood this afternoon. I’m never in bad moods on Wednesdays because that’s the day I listen to throwback music. Throwback Wednesday is what I call it. I wish there was an alliteration I could use to describe the day like Wayback Wednesday but how far is wayback? Some say it’s decades. Some say it’s just hours. I dont wanna be involved in such a contentious debate, so I just stick with the classic: Throwback Wednesday. What was I listening to? Iris by GooGoo Dolls as covered by BoyzIIMen.

I ran a poll last night that was far more accurate than FiveThirtyEight’s trash. Take a look.

It’s right there. The proof is in the pudding. Payday is the best candy in the whole fucking universe. FiveThirtyEight doesn’t talk to you about their gathering methods; they don’t talk to you about statistical analysis; they don’t inform you about margins of errors. They just show you these fucking charts and you walk around like you’ve got a dick on your forehead believing this trash like the bahbahblacksheep that you are. Have you any wool? No. Just three bags full of shitty candy. It’s gross. It’s unhuman, and it will lead you astray. You know what won’t lead you astray? Paydays. The best candy in the world.

“Ok Chaps. Ok. We get it. Payday is the best. We relent. What’s next, though? What are your top 5 candy bars?”

1. Payday
2. Caramello
3. Butterfinger
4. Almond Joy
5. Zero Bars

Also, before I let you go, yes. I stand by my statement that I made on twitter. Oatmeal Cream Pies are the poorest snack food you can eat.