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No Matter What, I Will Always Choose To Burn Alive In My Hotel Room


Last night after I got off from doing my beloved radio show, I went back to my hotel, brushed my fangs, did a long piss, and slid into the covers with thoughts of getting a solid few hours of SE (shut eye) in order to be fresh for the day ahead. That day is today. I am not fresh. I am not rested. I will not complain.

I will also never leave my hotel room because there’s a fire alarm. Ever. Last night, the alarm in my hotel went off for one hour straight. I didnt even think about getting out of bed. I didnt look down the hallway for other travelers meandering around the halls of this historic and lovely hotel. I just thumbed my way through Instagram and occasionally would take a long sniff through the ole nostrils to see I smelt burning blankets. That smell never came and so, therefore, ipso facto I didnt leave my room.

As I walked through the hotel this morning, I didnt see any signs of smoke damage or fire. I muttered to myself, “I fucking knew it.” There was no fire. I would even go so far as to say that there has never been a hotel fire in America. Maybe there was in the early 1700s when they used open fireplaces but there certainly hasn’t been a hotel fire in the last 100 years.

Hotels need an intercom. An alarm is not sufficient for me or many of modern America. Because of a long history of false alarms, I will not be alarmed no matter what. I would rather sit there and die in my own burned skin than be inconvenienced by a looking around the hotel for signs of a fire. I will not call the front desk. I will not worry. I will sit there and look for various apps that offer sound muffling and white noise in order to cover up the alarming sounds of the alarm.

I thank you in advance for joining me in this stance. #AlwaysBurn

PS: If you’ve burned to death in a hotel fire, I apologize for being insensitive.

Anyway, there’s a new ZBT out. It’s really good. Give it a listen.