Bulldog Bites Off His Owner's Junk

Source – A dog bit off a man’s testicles and penis in a horrific attack at flat in East Lothian.

The 22-year-old was found unconscious in a pool of blood next to an Old English Bulldog, which was also covered in his blood.

Police were confronted with the horrific scene when they were called to the property in Haddington on Sunday afternoon.

The man was rushed to Edinburgh’s Royal General Infirmary where he remains unconscious and in serious condition, reports the Daily Star.

The dog was taken to police kennels until the exact circumstances of the attack are known.

The victim is believed to have been fully clothed when officers found him and details of the attack will not be clear until he regains concsiousness.

This story sounded familiar to me so I checked to see if maybe I’d posted it before and this was just one of those Internet anomalies where and old story just kind of resurfaces like a weird, delayed echo.  But nope. I hadn’t. That was some different news item about a different penis being bitten off a different man by a different dog.

So while the last thing I want is to be thought of around here as the go-to blogger for stories about dogs biting off dicks, by the rules of news reporting, having it happen twice involving totally unrelated dogs and completely separate dicks makes this a social trend that must be covered. Like when more than one kid gets hurt playing some game, it automatically becomes dangerous and parents must be warned; that sort of thing. Besides, the first thing they teach you in Journalism class is “Dog bites man” isn’t a story. “Man bites dog” is. And “Dog bites man’s wang and balls completely off” is sort of thing they used to call “stop the presses” material when they had presses.

As far as the mystery the police are trying to solve? The one that won’t wait until the guy wakes up, allow me to be helpful. I’m not one to go victim-shaming, but let’s not kid ourselves. They might have found him fully clothed, but that in no way means he was dressed during the attack. Unfortunate though it may be. Hundreds of millions of men in pants have hundreds of millions of dogs. And they just don’t go all Ramsey Bolton on their owners through their Levi’s and boxers for no reason. If even 0.01% of them did, the emergency rooms would be packed with dickless dog lovers bleeding out all over the floor.

The reason you don’t see that is because an even tinier sample size of men put their dongs in their dog’s faces. Show me a guy whose dog ate his Johnson, and I’ll show you someone who’s been waving that thing around like a Milk Bone biscuit. Guaranteed. If I’m wrong, I’ll apologize to John Wayne Bobbitt here. But I’ll bet you anything we never hear from him again because he’ll know we all know the truth. So important safety tip: Keep you dick in your pants around your Old English Bulldog. You’d think that would go without saying, but obviously you’d be wrong.

Still, it deserves to be said: Bad dog! Bad, bad dog!