People Who Eat Healthy Are Disgusting And Spend Their Whole Day Farting
Am I writing this blog because I’ve been eating healthy for two weeks and no one has noticed? Even I’m not sure. I love mysteries!
But I’ve been shoving almost nothing but salad down my gullet for a double digit number of days now and I’m gonna be honest, I’m really loving it. You see, tobacco has killed almost all my taste buds and I never had a sense of smell, so I’ve finally realized if I can’t taste what I eat then I guess I might as well eat healthy stuff. Every meal I hit a salad bar, grab a nice spinach base with some grilled chicken then make it rain with veggies all over that bitch. Beans? Yup. Asparagus? No doubt. Beets, carrots, avocado, celery, corn? Give me extra. Even go for a light dressing to keep it extra tight.
It’s changing my whole life. I wake up early in the morning (which I’m not particularly fond of because that just means more day) and I’ve got oodles of energy. I’ve also got oodles of toots. Toots out the wahzoo, literally and figuratively. You know why women are stereotypically irritable? They have wires wrapped around their boobs, high heels, and they’re constantly holding in farts.
I hate talking about farts and poop because I think it’s gross, but this is out of control. All I do is fart. We had a meeting this morning and I just got up and walked out of the room, with no explanation, about 5 times to fart. I think I crop dusted a homeless guy yesterday and had him scream, “What the FUCK man?” at me. Homeless. A homeless man was disgusted! The other day Kate and I were the only two people in the vicinity and she looked at me and said “it’s not me,” so I inexplicably blamed it on Coley. I never poop at the office and on Monday I was left without a choice, only to have my worst fears realized: as I sat there, scrolling through Twitter, I heard the clatter of a lady’s heels come and try to open the door. So I had to hunker down and decide I was gonna sit there until the other bathroom opened, practically set up a damn camp site. I guess this is all a sign of a healthy colon or bowels or metabolism or whatever, but it’s hell. I need to eat the kind of food that clogs me up like the Spartans blocking the pass at Thermopylae.
Point is, don’t let people who eat healthy fool you, it’s not worth it. You’re always hungry because you’re eating small amounts of food then immediately evacuating it and, worst of all, you’re constantly stressed because you’re worried you’re going to be found out as the dude who’s been farting nonstop. I finally know exactly how Anne Frank felt and it’s horrible.