Everyone Sleeps Ugly
Last night in the 12th inning I declared that I had one more inning in me because I had to get up at a big boy time today to interview Nick Kroll (check him out on KFC Radio tomorrow). Luckily the game ended in the 13th so I saw it through, but I had mentioned my weighted sleep mask so I tweeted out my goodnight pic anyway.
Well, this morning when I arose at the crack of 7:15 I checked Twitter, Instagram, and my email before moving a muscle, as all well adjusted people do, and I learned that I was being attacked online. Folks poked fun at the fact that my bed isn’t in the middle of my room, well that’s because I’m poor. The lack of natural light in my room was attacked despite the fact that the photograph was taken at 1 o’clock in the morning (my room has TONS of natural light, just to be clear. I don’t even have window blinds because I’m too lazy to buy them and I like the sun waking me up because alarm clocks don’t). Notably, no one took aim at my sexy sheets and pillow cases but there was one very clear target, and it was a big one: my double chin.
To that I say, I hear you. I recognize and acknowledge the presence of more chins than god designed a human to have. I’d go so far as to say that it’s not even a double chin, it’s a 2.5 chin. I’ve accepted the problem and I’m working to resolve the issue, I’ve been eating a lot of salads lately. I’m too fat to go to a gym so I’ve gotta lose a few pounds first then I will start back at the gym, when I’m not the really fat guy everyone looks at and accurately thinks, “It’s cute that he’s trying but this isn’t gonna last.”
However, I do have to take a stand for humankind and say that everyone sleeps ugly. This is just a fact and it’s why I think taking a picture of a sleeping person is the greatest breach of trust on this planet. When you walk around awake you’re conscious of everything, you’re sucking your stomach in and pushing your chin out. You might tighten up and flex a bicep or tricep if a pretty lady walks by the dinner table. I am fat, I will admit that, but don’t sleep shame. When you’re unconscious your body isn’t even really a body, it’s an overflowing tub of mayonnaise. Garbage is spilling all over the place, your breathing is heavier, your gut is running wild, and your penis is hard. You’re not in control of that. So please, don’t shame sleepers. We are not in control of what we do. If I wanted to dress that picture up I could’ve redone it and repositioned myself, but that’s what a sleeping body looks like. It’s brutal, but it’s reality.
PS – I can’t speak highly enough about weighted sleep masks. I have two weighted blankets (totaling 40 pounds) and a weighted sleep mask. One night I will be mercifully crushed to death while trying to quell anxiety during REM cycle.