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Staring At The Phillies 2014 Payroll Literally Made Me Sick

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Spent last night and this morning puking up bile and shitting myself anyways, so even watered down Jell-O or the sudden sight of Jessica Simpson pregnant would make me yack up a lung. But I think this may have made me vomit even if I wasn’t at death’s door. Out of the top 10 teams with the highest payroll, the Phillies are the ONLY one that have no chance of legitimately sniffing the taint of the playoffs. Maybe Toronto, too. Even so, if both teams make it to the second wildcard spot it would be considered an enormous success. Because fuck championships. Let the little Pirates do things like win now while still playing for the future.

The breakdown of the Phillies payroll is even more frustrating:

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You know who else is getting $25 million this year for playing a game? Zach Greinke for the Dodgers who somehow scumbagged his way to a $28 million paycheck. That’s it. Not Miguel Cabrera or ANY Yankee. Not even Pujols, Josh Hamilton, Prince Fielder or Cano who just signed mega deals. Shit, Joey Votto is pulling in $12 mill and reinging MVP Andrew McCutchen is getting $7.5. The Phillies have TWO of the top 3 paid players in all of baseball with Howard and Clifton getting $25 million each. Where would you rank them in terms of talent in the league? Maybe 25th for Lee and 50th for Howard? Even pretty boy Cole is pulling in the 6th most in MLB with $23.5 million. Yes, I’m glad he’s locked up, but Hamels is no Clayton Kershaw, Felix Hernandez or Justin Verlander. Top 10 dominant hurler when he wants to be, but come on.

3rd highest payroll in the league with a team desolate of youth and a farm system with no real products to look forward to in the near future. Gee, thanks Ruin Tomorrow Jr. He wasn’t responsible for the late-term abortion that was Ryan Howard’s contract, but every other move can be blamed solely on Amaro’s smug dick. I’ve said it before when anonymous scouts straight up eviscerated the Phillies, Has there been a move made in the past 2 years since bringing back Cliff Lee that he’s done right? Should’ve never gotten rid of Lee in the first place. I respect Jimmy Rollins, but dammit let the man walk for the contract you gave him last year. Love the idea for locking up Cole but as one of the Top 3 paid pitchers in baseball? Has he proven to be that since 2008? The Marlon Byrd signing was bad and actually defending he’s going to be one of the best bats on the field at any given time is as embarrassing as it gets. Even the little things like releasing Wilson Valdez for absolutely no reason at all when there was no adequate infield backup is firable.

Time to pick it up or we’ll be looking up at the Mets in the standings. Wait, the Mets finished with a better record last year? Fuck. Everything.