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A Quick-Hit Review of the New 'Tom vs. Time' Epilogue

Any time someone puts out anything they created – a book, a movie, a watercolor, a YouTube video, a behind-the-scenes Facebook docuseries about their work and private life – the first question that should be asked is, “Why?” Why did they make the effort? In other words, what’s the message they’re trying to get across? Clearly Tom Brady and his production company posted Tom vs. Time because they wanted to promote his TB 12 Fitness brand and to show the work/family balance he struggles with in an effort to remain an athlete athlete. And I think today he dropped a surprise “Epilogue” to clean up some of the debris left by the Category 4 hurricane that were the original shows.

Needless to say, just announcing that he was coming out with this DVD-extras-like mini-episode created an instant shitstorm online, with wild speculation that he was using this one to announce he was retiring from football after this season. Stop me if you’ve heard this about Brady before, but the rumors you heard about him on the Internet were fake news.

In order to save you the five minutes of your life, allow me to boil the Epilogue down to a handful of bullet points:

–Brady admits that there are times when playing for the Patriots is not fun for him. It should shock no living, sentient being who’s spent even a small amount of time on Earth that life as a hyper-competitive Alpha pouring all his time, effort, mental preparation and most of his soul into a relentless pursuit of a group goal while working for an introverted, mega-driven genius would not always be a dance party. But still, prepare for this to be spun as a total repudiation of Bill Belichick and all he stands for.

–He truly is fed up with the bullshit. By this I mean, the outside bullshit. It’s not accident that while he’s in the midst of explaining that he’s done with worrying about what other people think and say, the director throws in sound cuts from sports talk radio speculating about Brady’s state of mind. It certainly explains him cutting the cord on two interviews in the last month.

–He took time off this spring because he needed to. Scenes of Brady and his family riding a jet ski from a yacht off the coast of Qatar are intercut with him explaining that he’s decided that as his kids get older and he’s still ditching them all football season, that he has an obligation to spend more time with them from February to July. Nothing Earth shattering there.

–He’s serious about playing until he’s 45. Take all of it. The whole Tom vs. Time saga. The deep tissue massages and rubber band workouts. Kissing his kid on the lips. Taking the ends off his bananas and throwing them out when he makes a smoothie. That darkly cryptic post-Super Bowl final scene where Gisele says he needs to feel respected and TB 12 asking out loud what he does all this for. Take it all, break the ends off and make a smoothie with it. All that matters is Brady reiterating yet again that he has no plans to go anywhere for a long, long time. Right down to counting the years out on his fingers. There are players in high school right now who will be facing Tom Brady in the pros before he walks away from his career that is already the GOAT.

So why did he make post yet another episode? To tell the world how wrong they were to think a little tension between him and his coach is enough to make him cut and run. Because he’s not done winning championships. Dammit, this is exactly what I needed at the start of another title run. Thanks for the Patriots Porn, Tom vs. Time.