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You're Damn Right I'd Vote For This 101-Year-Old Man Running For Congress

FLORIDA - A 101-year-old man has decided to jump into a congressional race in Florida, touting his many, many, many years of experience as a boon. Joe Newman describes himself as an “anthropological progressive,” and says he’s running because he believes in a government that works and takes care of its people. This centenarian knows you might think him a “fool,” but if he doesn’t win, he at least wants to get people’s attention. Newman says he got a job out of college spreading awareness about Social Security, noting how back then, people were making the same arguments about keeping government out of people’s lives.

At 101, Joe Newman sounds more stable and makes more sense than 95% of elected officials. There are a handful of batshits in the House who believe evolution is a myth and giving gays rights will lead to the destruction of marriage and/or everyone fucking goats for a living. This old timer actually seems like he would make one damn fine Congressman who will get things done. Hell, if when he shits himself he’ll contribute more to this Congress than anyone in the House of Representatives has in a long time. You don’t wear your pants that high unless you plan on getting things done, and Joe has already thrown the maximum amount of kids off his lawn and has called enough to complain about the yearly 3-cent charge for keeping his landline operating. So congrats, Mr. Newman, you’ve got the Smitty vote in your corner. Here’s to hoping your political scandals are filled with numerous attractive hookers thrice your age, you charming old coot.

And here we thought Brooks Hatlan took his own life after relinquishing control of the prison library. Nope. The man got over his fear of the automobile and is now taking down federal elections, Easy peasy, Japaneasy.