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"Happy Birthday To My Queen, Lady Feitelberg" By Bad Gal Ali

feits

Everyone’s favorite time of year is in full swing, Leo SZN. Naturally, all the best people in the world are Leo’s…Obama, JLo, Kylie Jenner, me…and last but also least, John Henry Feitelberg.

Now typically I like my men a little younger and a little darker but there’s just something about Feits that drives the ladies wild. For me it’s the deeply rooted personal issues, low self esteem and also that he loves Tom Brady as much as I do. When I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and feel sick at my reflection as I did this morning for day 2 of Barstool Idol, I think of some classic Feitelberg quotes to get me through the day.

  • “There is absolutely no one I hate more than myself. There is a #2 but it is a runaway win for myself.”
  • “I’m not stupid enough to be entertaining, but I’m smart enough to not say anything intelligent.”
  • “Saturdays are for the boys”
  • *Puke noises*

and most importantly

“ENJOY YOUR HEIRLOOMS”

I can only hope I walk past Feits in the office today so I can awkwardly avoid eye contact and pretend I didn’t write this blog, just like he would want.