Wayne Rooney Didn't Come To The MLS Just To Cash A Check

I’m not sure anyone reading this was watching the tilt between DC United and the Orlando City Soccer Club. In fact, I’m not sure if anyone reading this knew Orlando City had a Soccer Club to begin with. But none of that matters, we’re here now. Wayne Rooney, much like most aging soccer stars the world over, has taken his talents to the MLS for some last fat checks before retirement. Only, no one seems to have told him he could just cash the check and mail it in. Because this 20 second span was an all out force of sheer intestinal fortitude from the 32-year old.

Let’s set the stage: 95th minute of the game. Orlando City clears the ball perfectly into a runner. DC was playing with their goalie up trying to gain an offensive advantage and it’s about to bite them square where the sun don’t shine. Only problem is Wayne fuckin’ Rooney is on the pitch and he’s not in the mood for losin’ on this Sunday night. He strips his man with what has to be one of the cleanest slide tackles in MLS history before heading the other way with the rock and lobbing up what had to have been a 100-yard assist ON THE MONEY for the game-winner. GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! GO CRAZY DC UNITED FANS EVERYWHERE! WAYNE ROONEY IS HERE TO TURN YOUR 5-6-9 SEASON AROUND!