I Hope That Sidney Crosby Has A Slightly Adequate Birthday At Best
So Sidney Crosby turns 31 today. Listen, I’m not a complete and total asshole. I’m not gonna get up here and wish that somebody has a shitty birthday. But do I want Sidney Crosby to have a great birthday? Heck no. I want this day to be about as forgettable as possible for him. I want him to run into minor inconvenience after minor inconvenience. Like maybe he hits a little unexpected traffic at some point today. That’s always the worst. It’s like “what the hell, man? It’s 1:15 in the afternoon. Why is there traffic right now? What could be causing this backup? Don’t you people have a job you’re supposed to be at right now?”. It’s very frustrating.
Or maybe he goes to pour himself a bowl of cereal at some point today and doesn’t realize that he’s out of almond milk until after he pours the cereal in the bowl. That’s always the worst. Because it’s not like you’re going to dump the cereal back into the box, but are you just going to eat dry cereal? It’s not even remotely close to as satisfying. Are you gonna go run out to the store real quick to grab some more almond milk? Not after all that traffic you just sat through.
But at least there’s the birthday dinner. Sidney Crosby is gathered around by his closest family and friends and they all enjoy a wonderful meal together at some restaurant and just as Crosby is getting over the fact that he wasted half his day in traffic and had to eat some dry ass cereal, he spills some spaghetti sauce on his white shirt. He has his friends, he has his family, he has his health. But other than that, the day has just been a total disaster. And that’s the type of day I hope Sidney Crosby has today and really every day for the rest of his existence, if we’re being perfectly honest. I don’t wish any serious harm to the man, but I do wish nothing but minor inconveniences.
P.S. – Here is your monthly reminder of how much bullshit it is that Sidney Crosby is an obsessive freak over the number 87. Born on 8/7/87, wears number 87, and signed with the Penguins for $8.7M AAV instead of at his market value which should be somewhere around $12-13M, thus enabling the Penguins to afford guys like Malkin and Kessel to go along with him. What a sick joke that is.