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Trent Thinks The Word "Cause" Is An Acceptable Substitute For "Because" And I'm Ready To Blow My Fucking Brains Out

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The term grammar nazi gets thrown around a lot. I’ve been called a grammar nazi, a grammar snob, and a nazi (due to my appearance, not my beliefs, although Hamas makes some compelling arguments, but that’s less of a Nazi thing). I understand that we don’t care too much about grammar or spelling or syntax or structure here at Barstool Sports. “By the common man, for the common man.” Writing an error-free blog is alienating to people who don’t read/write well. We don’t want to be perceived as superior, right? How charming.

You know how some people can’t stand hearing other people chew sticky food with their mouth open? Or perhaps the sound of nails dragging down a chalkboard causes you to squirm? That’s how I feel when I read improper writing. I’m not talking about typos–mistakes happen, we write too much here to catch them all. Trent is far from the only guy to make a written error on the blog. Even I commit the occasional (albeit rare) typo. “To err is human” and whatnot.

No, I’m talking instead about a far darker, more sinister problem: Trent’s use of the word “cause” as a substitute for “because.” Just one week ago, Trent wrote the following blog title:

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I saw the title pop up in our blog queue and it annoyed me, but I got over it. “He’s probably writing quickly,” I thought. “Maybe he’s thinking about that time he was arrested.”

But today, just one week later, I saw this headline in the queue:

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That’s when my brain exploded. Blood filled my ears. A red haze of fury drifted over all that I could see. Clearly, Trent thinks that “cause” is the right word to use. He may not even know about the word “because.” He may have LEARNED IT WRONG. 

That’s when I started digging. I googled “Trent Barstool Cause.” I clicked on the first result–another blog about Lil Wayne from a while ago. I then did a word search for “cause” and in a single blog, Trent used the word four separate times. Observe:

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1. Remember at the beginning of ‘Mr. Carter’ when he’s talking about how he feels colossal? Well he feels that way cause he’s a mother fucking giant when he stands in front of a microphone

2. It was a topical reference at the time cause and A) Lil Wayne’s relationship with Cash Money and Birdman was souring to the point where it was going to court and B) Ryan Lochte had just been robbed at the Rio Olympics.

3. That takes serious balls from Lil Wayne. I’m sure he didn’t think much of it cause he’s Lil fucking Wayne but to change up a lyric without telling anyone on TV is ballsy. That could go sideways in a hurry. Or he could mess up the line. He didn’t. He knocked it out of the park cause, again, he’s Lil fucking Wayne.

CAUSE CAUSE CAUSE CAUSE HOLY FUCKING CAUSE YOU CORN BOY. I’m already losing my fucking hair; I don’t want to accelerate that process by tearing it out with my shaking hands. In 2018, our general understanding is that “cause” can be used as an abbreviation for “because,” but only in informal writing situations like “personal letters, texting, and facebook conversations” (Stack Exchange). Are published Barstool blogs an “informal writing situation?” Fuck no! We’re a $100m media company! The blog is sacred ground!! Don’t piss on my face and tell me it’s champagne.

If you’re going to abbreviate “because,” throw me a fucking apostrophe. As in, “the blog was a lot better ‘cause I proofread it once I finished.” I can even handle ‘cos, which feels southern and colloquial. But substituting cause for because is not going to work for me because the word “cause” is ALREADY A FUCKING WORD, as in “cause: a person or thing that gives rise to an action.”

I wish I were joking as I write this. I wish I could say I’m feigning anger here. Sadly, if I see another published blog title with this form of “cause,” I’ll take the elevator to the roof and swan dive to the street below. ‘Cause I can’t live in a world where we care so little about the written word, cuz.