Want to get into soccer but need a team? No problem – Barstool’s Guide to Picking an EPL Club
Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters,
WELCOME BACK, Y’ALL! The offseason for European soccer is ridiculously short as is, but in World Cup years it is borderline farcical. It seems like just yesterday that France were crowned Co-Champions after outclassing Croatia in the final.
Anyway, many of you are already head over heels in love with jogo bonito, and bless your beautiful hearts. For you the countdown has already begun to kickoff of Lucky, Lucky Lester visiting Brozay Chadrinho’s United, which will officially get the 2018-19 EPL season underway on (Friday) August 10.
Good news, bad news situation for all you long-time fans. The good news is that a season preview with (extremely preliminary) predictions is in the works as we speak. The bad news is that you will have to wait another few days for me to begin fluffing your soccerboner with that because you are not, alas, the primary audience for whom this blog is intended – though you are more than welcome to read it to start getting your mind right for the season ahead.
Instead, this blog is intended primarily for people who have yet come out to their friends and family as being loud and proud soccer fans, and are just about ready to do so – but would feel more comfortable doing with if they had the love and support of an English Premier League team to call their very own. [Note: all you long-time fans, do me (and frankly yourself) a favor and FORWARD THIS BLOG ALONG to anybody and everybody you think may be interested in watching EPL this season… just do it!]
Are you wondering if you and/or somebody you know fits this description? Here’s a handy checklist of the criteria:
- Do you like sports?
- Do you like gambling?
- Do you like an excuse for drinking before noon?
If you or they would say yes to any ONE of these questions then congratulations! You/they are ripe for becoming an EPL fan… now comes the fun part: selecting a team – and not just any team, but YOUR team that you can get balls deep in, root for, and care about because – unlike American sports where you are typically born (or sometimes accepted, in the case of college) into your various athletic affiliations – picking a European soccer “club” to “support” (as an uppity soccer dudebro would say) is a little more challenging. You are in luck, though, as your Sissy Sport Spirit Guide Samuel is here to lend you a helping hand in this endeavor.
Safe harbour statement #1: Yes, I ran something similar the last few years but this one has been updated accordingly…
Safe harbour statement #2: Yes, I also encourage you to follow MLS, as the quality is improving every year, but you don’t need my help picking a team as you have plenty of geographic and or matri/patrilineal landmarks to guide you.
Safe harbour statement #3: No, you can’t go wrong going with a club in Spain or Italy or Germany or PSG instead (or better yet as well)… but, alas, I am only one man so for the purposes of keeping this to a reasonable length we are going to stick with…
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PICKING AN EPL CLUB
First things first, you chose a good time to hop on board the bandwagon. This is mostly because there is no such thing as a bad time to start getting into soccer. It is, after all, the best sport ever invented. What’s more though, two of the last three EPL champions have gone from barely staving off relegation one season to lifting the trophy the next, which suggests that means pretty much everybody – except Tottenham because let’s be serious – is in contention to experience the unbridled joy of becoming champions this season.
Long live the Cinderellas
Alas, “everybody” having a chance to win the league is a bit of an overstatement since Lester’s run was a once-in-a-lifetime anomaly and Chelsea’s was built on a foundation of lies, anti-Americanism and illicit Russian money… and last season’s wire-to-wire dominance by City was far more representative of how things usually go… but let’s pretend for a moment that that’s not the case and instead take a look at the 20 (or so) clubs vying for your love and affection.
As a quick reminder, here is how everybody finished last season:
Sadly, or mercifully depending on your point of view, that meant saying hasta la byebye to Swansea, Stoke and Dead Brom… and in their place this season we have a bright and bubbly new crop of newly promoted clubs ripe and ready for the defiling: Wolverhampton, Cardiff and Fulham [aka Fulhamerica].
ONE LAST POINT OF ORDER: If I can give you one piece of advice for “picking a team” it is to hold off for a while rather than jumping in and artificially hitching your heart to this club or that club. Better to watch some games, visit some soccer bars, talk to other fans… see what club or clubs “speak to you” and whittle your list down that way. In other words, let the decision come naturally.
Now onto the different buckets of teams to pick from, starting with those expected to struggle and finishing up with the biggest swinging dicks of the EPL cracker factory (plus Arsenal).
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TOUGH SEASON AHEAD
Let’s be honest, there are some clubs are going to take a lot of L’s this season, and whose primary “goal” is simply to avoid relegation and live to fight another year in the financially plentiful environs of the Premier League. As someone who is new to the sport, if you were to pick one of these to be your lawfully wedded club that would suggest a couple things: you are extremely ballsy and/or you are a cutter (aka self-harmer) who is crying for help and in need of medical attention.
Indeed, apart from learning that your favorite celebrity couple is breaking up,
there is no more painful feeling in the world than watching your dearly beloved team get bitch-smacked (aka “relegated”) down to the Championship. Just ask Dan.
Gone but not forgotten
So just know going in that if you choose a club in this group you need to be okay with draws feeling like wins and wins feeling a little like trophies, and accept that come next season there is a chance you won’t be able to watch your boys play on the NBC family of networks anymore (though ESPN+’s owning streaming rights to the Championship may make it a bit easier).
Given the recent success of relegation-threatened teams pulling 180s and “being good” the next season I’ll keep the number of also-rans to a bare minimum and include only CARDIFF CITY and HUDDERSFIELD TOWN… full credit to Cardiff for trading spots with their hated rival Swansea and ensuring that Wales is still represented in the top flight, and take nothing away from Huddersfield’s miraculous escape from relegation at the end of last season… but heading into this season – as things stand right now anyway – the next 8-9 months look as though they could be a rough stretch for these clubs.
Apologies in advance to those of you – and I know there are a few – who are already fans of one of these clubs… condolences but, alas, sometimes in life you are the hammer, and sometimes you’re the nail.
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MID-TABLE HOPEFULS
These clubs will at time show bursts of class, and could potentially threaten to do something crazy like make a semi-finals of the make-believe League Cup, but unless lightning strikes thrice they will not be in the mix to win the league anytime soon. [Note: clubs will be listed in alphabetical order within each group and be followed by their odds of being crowned champions next May.]
BOURNEMOUTH (1000/1): an always interesting and often entertaining club to watch since they were promoted to the Premier League to cap of an extraordinarily fast rise from League Two over just five years. Thanks to an influx of cash – from a reclusive Russian owner about whom little is known other than he is involved in “petrochemicals” (hmmmm) – they dominated the Championship four seasons ago and have managed to retain enough talent, and a good young manager in Eddie Howe, such that they have more or less avoided being sucked into the relegation battle for most of their time in the big boy league, which is all the more impressive considering their tradition of getting bit HARD by the injury bug. The line between mid-table muddler and relegation battler is exceedingly thin, meaning that Bournemouth must always hit on its big summer signings – notably LB Diego Rico from Leganes in Spain – in order to stay on the right side of the thin red line.
Fun fact: their nickname – the Cherries – is so bad it is actually good.
BRIGHTON (1000/1): easily the best of the newly promoted sides coming into last season, and the Seagulls avoided being drawn into the relegation scrap for most of the season right up until when it really counted, when they won just one of their last six games coming down the stretch to suddenly find itself uncomfortably close to the dropzone. All is well that ends well though, and the club have a solid manager in Chris Hughton – a long-time Tottenham soldier – and is clearly making a solid go at retooling with new signings like Alireza Jahanbakhsh, the former AZ Alkmaar striker who led the Dutch league in scoring and played well in Puty’s World Cup for Iran. To their credit, the club has put together what appears on paper to be an impressively solid starting XI. Whether they can avoid injuries and the traditional sophomore slump that many newly promoted clubs face is still very much TBD though. One other wildcard to keep in mind for any new fans looking to get into a team: four of Brighton’s first seven games are going to be against Big Six clubs, so know going in that the first couple months could be a rough stretch, but things should get easier from there.
Fun fact: Brighton’s full name is Brighton & Hove Albion FC, and the actual city they play in is “Brighton and Hove”. Unfortunately, as everybody knows, if you have two names you really have none… also, their name reminds me of Trinidad & Tobago and I am an easily triggered USMNT fanboy so, yes, I will admit to having an entirely undeserved and unfair distaste for the Seagulls.
SpinZone: better than “Cherries”
CRYSTAL PALACE (750/1): had been a club on the rise for several seasons but their star has faded a bit over the past two years, with last season being characterized by a historically bad start to the campaign that from there became entirely reliant on the mercurial genius of Wilfried Zaha. However Willy went, Palace went. Rooting for Palace would be like being a fan of a Lebron-led Cleveland Cavs (RIPIP) or a Ronny-led Portugal (RIPIP) – except that instead of lifting championship trophies/World Cups, your ultimate goal is sipping that sweet, sweet taste of avoiding relegation. The big question, of course, is whether someone like Tottenham (if they fall short in their attempt to pry Anthony Martial away from United) might settle for buying Zaha, which will raise all sorts of new questions for Palace. That said, the signing of Max Meyer may help shore up an otherwise non-existent midfield (after Yohan Cabaye quietly retired from trying last summer but didn’t tell anybody and kept showing up on the field game after game all season), which is a step in the right direction. One of the best/worst things about becoming a fan of Palace at the moment is getting to play one of the world’s most fun (and dangerous) drinking games, which involves taking a shot every time Christian Benteke fucks up. Only cancer was a bigger killer in the UK last season. On the plus side, Palace is one of the few in the league with cheerleaders and it is located in the (greater) London area so traveling to see them is not too terribly tough – plus they have cheerleaders and the Selhurst Park game day experience is supposed to be one of the best in the league (assuming a planned redevelopment doesn’t ruin it). Oh, and not for nothing, the Eagles are Rebecca Lowe’s childhood team.
Fun fact: Roy Hodgson, who took over as manager partway through last season and successfully steadied the ship, plays a starring role in one of my all-time favorite gifs:
FULHAM (1000/1): full disclosure on this one is that any American who has been around the EPL for a while will inevitably have a soft spot in their heart for Fulhamerica – so nicknamed because of all the USMNT players who have graced the field at Craven Cottage (their stadium) over the years. Clint Dempsey, Brian McBride, Carlos Bocanegra, Kasey Keller, Eddie Lewis, Eddie Johnson and Marcus Hahnemann are the names that come to mind off the top of my head, so I may be forgetting some. Tim Ream has continued the “special relationship” and was rewarded a few weeks ago for a solid promotion season with a new two-year contract. So if you love – and I mean LOVE – America and/or wouldn’t mind settling on a London team for convenience reasons, then Fulhamerica may be an option worth considering. The club has done some interesting business (snagging winger Andre Schurrle from Dortmund on loan) and some very interesting business (snatching MF Jean Michael Seri from some much bigger suitors), and perhaps best of all they have (so far anyway) managed to hold onto winger Ryan Sessegnon despite links to the likes of Tottenham, United and PSG. Nevertheless, one can’t help thinking this season is likely going to be a bit of a struggle for the Cottagers.
Fun fact: liking a second EPL club is a no-no… unless it is Fulham, which has been officially ruled fair game by Soccer Fans of America LLC (per Commissioner & CEO, Sam).
WATFORD (1000/1): kinda sorta considered another London-based club though in truth that’s a little like the Red Bulls claiming to be a NYC-based team. Makes sense from a commercial perspective but real fans know better. Regardless, the Hornets have benefited from a recent influx of cash from a wealthy Italian owner, whose family also owns teams in Italy and Spain, all of which tend to trade players among the various “organizations” (nice little fall-back in case one of them is facing relegation). Watford are a bit of an enigma in terms of hopes versus expectations. Management is understandably hell-bent on keeping the club in the top flight, and is willing to spend enough money – or at least move players around from sister clubs – to ensure survival… however, the club has never shown much ambition to go above and beyond that. The team is also developing a bit of a reputation for starting seasons hot then fading badly down the stretch, which has yet to really get it in trouble as far as facing a serious relegation battle… but it does feel a little bit like they have been playing with fire. The club is returning a strong midfield led by Abdoulaye Doucoure, Nathaniel Chalobah and Tom Cleverley, but with Richarlison sold to Everton (for a TON of money), the big question is whether the club will focus more on shoring up a porous defense or adding some attacking talent. The inconvenient truth is they are in need of both.
Fun fact: Elton John is a lifelong fan, so if you like the Lion King as much as KFC then perhaps this is the club for you.
Rocket Man
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EUROPA DREAMERS
The following are clubs that are heading into this season with enough talent on the roster and/or money in the coffers that they should be able to avoid falling into relegation contention – one or more will anyway though, such are the joys (and heartbreak) of pro/rel. If things more or less go to plan, though, each of them should win more than a few games and could push Arsenal (*wink*) for a Europa League slot. On the other hand, the chances one of these teams legitimately competes a league title anytime soon are pretty, pretty, prettaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy tiny… unless you are willing to believe that a 2015-16 Lester-like lightning bolt could strike the Premier League twice. (Impossible? No. Unlikely? Oh god yes.)
BURNLEY (750/1): they were like a bargain brand Lester last season, drawing games they should have lost and winning games they should have drawn on their way to a quietly remarkable 7th place finish. Not bad for a club many people – *cough* – thought had a very good chance of getting relegated heading into the campaign. If you appreciate dogged defense, pitchers’ duels and/or Big Ten football, then perhaps Burnley are the club for you. They have few if any stars but make up for it with a ginger coach. As far as where Burnley goes from here, there are two ways to look at it. They are coming off their best season in many, many decades – a period that involved a stint as low as the fourth division – so an optimist might say they are a team “on the rise”… but a pessimist would counter that they may have peaked last year and, especially with the added responsibility of playing in the Europa League this campaign. The fact the club has not added much this summer to a roster that already looked a bit thin is definitely a concern.
Fun fact: Burnley’s color scheme and jerseys are often confused by n00bs for those of West Ham… but in actuality they were contrived of in 1910 as homage to Aston Villa, which at the time was the most dominant club in all the land… ahhhhhh, memories.
EVERTON (250/1): club’s motto is “Usually good. Sometimes very good. Never great.” (Or if it isn’t, it might as well be.) The Toffees have been caught in a state of limbo lately, having established themselves as clearly better than most of the league, yet also clearly not good enough to make a Tottenham-like jump into the ranks of the true movers and shakers (aka “The Big Six”). They have been knocking on the door for years and have not been shy about spending a fair bit of cash, but unfortunately the business decisions – for example, bringing back the increasingly ancient Wayne Rooney (who began his career at Everton before moving to United) last season and thus blowing up the wage bill, not to mention paying WAY too much for MF Gylfi Sigurdsson – just haven’t worked out as well as hoped.
That said they have solid fan base, and a connection with the US thanks largely to Tim Howard’s 10-year run (2006 to 2016) between the posts. If you are looking for a club outside of the usual suspects that has a chance to win silverware and, if things seriously break their way, could even break through into the big time… you could do worse than Everton. The recent hire of Marco Silva as coach feels like a shrewd move, though it must be said that similar pronouncements were made when the club snagged Ronald Koeman from Southampton a couple years ago and, well, that didn’t work out well for anybody. Word of warning: keep your head on a swivel with this team. They are notorious for taking what feels like a big step forward but, before having time to celebrate the achievement, they have already taken another step back. There is beauty in the frustration though – or so Everton fans (must) believe.
Bonus fact: Their (“friendly”) arch-nemesis is cross-town rival Liverpool, so if you know and/or dislike some fans of the Reds then the Toffees might be an ideal club to glom onto.
LESTER (300/1): only two years removed from one of the most miraculous seasons in the history of sports, it’d be tough to characterize the Foxes as a club “on the rise” at this point, but they seem to have done an admirable job of translating that success into a solid foundation among the upper middle class of EPL clubs. Most of the key pieces from that Cinderella squad have moved on. Claudio Ranieri was fired less than a year after lifting the damn trophy – if that isn’t what modern big money sports is all about these days I don’t know what is – while N’Golo Kante (Chelsea), Danny Drinkwater (Chelsea) and Riyad Mahrez (City) were predictably poached by bigger swinging dicks. They still have Jamie Vardy running amok up top and Kasper Schmeichel holding it down in goal (and yes, there are some other lesser aging remnants still kicking on), but for the most part this is a new squad that is focused primarily on cementing its “well to do” status and, if possible, snagging a Europe League spot. A lot of people inevitably jumped on the Foxes’ bandwagon during (or soon after) the championship season, but the good news (for those of you concerned about being labelled a “frontrunner) is that the glory from that has faded enough that you can safely
Fun fact: if you go with Lester be sure to get a tattoo commemorating the “magical” 2015-16 season to convince everybody you have always been a big fan.
Like sex, I have no idea what that feels like
NEWCASTLE (600/1): the club has a rich history of success and more trophies than most but more recently has made a habit of enjoying a resplendent season or two before immediately collapsing into a spectacular pile of relegated feces. Thankfully for anybody thinking about jumping on the Magpies’ bandwagon they are on the upswing of that cycle at the moment after having a stellar 2016-17 season in the Championship and a better than expected season last year in which they finished 10th. They have a very solid manager (former Liverpool, Chelsea and Real Madrid man) Rafa Benitez and some exciting talent. However, they have also one of the most hated owners in Mike Ashley – a guy so famously cheap that he makes Tottenham’s Daniel Levy look like a free-spending Middle Eastern princeling by comparison. Indeed, Ashley’s unwillingness to either ante up for transfers or sell the team (or both!) has been a thorn in Benitez’s side, and if/when Newcastle lose him they are going to be in trouble. If, however, you are willing to take a bit of a gamble that a new owner is eventually installed, Newcastle is an iconic club with a dedicated fan base that – when not getting relegated – is easy to root for (don’t tell Sunderland fans I said that) and the gameday experience of attending a match at St. James is about as good as it gets.
Fun fact: the club has one of the most straightforward and iconic jerseys around but has recently had tendency to tie up with some strange sponsors (“Wonga” – whatever the hell that was) and now… well… whatever that hell that is.
Turquoise jibberish makes it only slightly less iconic
SOUTHAMPTON (500/1): the Saints were long considered the gold standard for upper mid-table mediocrity, which believe it or not is a pretty big compliment, but years and years of watching their most talented players (and coaches – eg, Ronald Koeman and Mauricio Pochettino) poached by the likes of Liverpool, Spurs and United finally came home to roost last season as Southampton’s summer signings and new coach Claude Puel both ended up being largely hot garbage, and the club’s vaunted youth system was unable to make up the difference. But despite looking all but dead for much of the second half of the season, Southampton scraped just enough points together to stave off what would have been an incredibly embarrassing relegation. The big question is whether that was a wakeup call or signal of more bad things to come. Geographically, the club are an attractive side being located on the south coast of England not far from London.
They also have some of the more iconic jerseys, or at least they did until they started trying to get too cute with different designs and colors
but hopefully they will cut that shit out and revert back to the classic, highly recognizable red and white stripes of yesteryear
Fun fact: on the plus side, by shitting the bed last season Southampton have avoided their traditional embarrassingly early crash-out from Europa… so they have that going for them, which is nice.
WEST HAM (500/1): club represents the traditionally hardscrabble East End of London full of blue collar fans who don’t require beautiful play but won’t tolerate a lack of hustle, desire and grit. If Danny Woodhead played soccer, he would play for West Ham. That said, things are changing – at least a little bit. The club recently moved from the historic (but small) Upton Park to the massive (but sterile) environs of London Stadium. This should bring an influx of cash for management to spend but also means losing some of West Ham’s identity. Some long-time fans may disagree with me about that, which is fine, but it is what it is.
Regardless, the Hammers – along with aforementioned Everton – are examples of clubs that have tried to invest (relatively) heavily in their squad, putting some of that good-good TV money to work, but in retrospect have ended up spending like drunken sailors. As far as West Ham’s recent history, the last few seasons have been total shmershmortions. Things came to a head last spring when supporters were so fed up with the club playing like trash that they started storming the pitch and throwing things at the owners box. I’m not sure there is an obvious American parallel to be drawn, but something like the New York Mets (also a big city team that is perpetually overshadowed by cross-town rivals) or perhaps Chicago White Sox (minus 2005 since West Ham and championships do not belong in the same sentence) might work.
While results have not been good in recent years, it is important to keep in mind that the club does have enough financial wherewithal that – barring another conflagration of injuries and crap transfers – they should (key word *should*) be good enough to avoid relegation scraps year in and year out. They have a new manager in Manuel Pellegrini who has a winning pedigree (helped guide City to the league title a few years ago) and a spate of interesting signings – Felipe Anderson, Issa Diop and Andriy Yarmolenko are compelling; Jack Wheelchair is less so – that should give fans reason for optimism heading into the season. Also, it would help quite a bit if talented but temperamental winger Marko Arnautovic decided not to suck so much this season.
Thots on your performance last year?
Bonus fact: rooting for West Ham means you are (tangentially) associating with the Green Street Hooligans of Elijah Wood movie lore, which is in fact a fictional group based on the machinations of the Inter City Firm, one of the more infamous groups of European soccer hooligans.
WOLVERHAMPTON (300/1): Club might as well rename itself Wolverhamptinho because they are going all in on dudes from Portugal, led by manager Nuno Espirito Santo who came in and overhauled the squad – and seems to know what the heck he is doing. The Wolves [they apparently prefer “Wanderers” but anybody with a brain knows that’s dumb] were runaway winners of the Championship last season and have made some moves this summer – notably Portuguese internationals GK Rui Patricio (from Sporting Lisbon) and MF Joao Moutinho (from Monaco) – that suggests they are NOT messing around in the big boy league this season. They will likely come out and go at opponents with a 3-4-3 formation that the coach has typically favored, which should make for some exciting games. I can’t promise that Wolverhampton will live up to the quiet hype that they seem to be attracting, but they do look like they are going to be a helluva lot of fun to watch this season.
Bonus facts: Wolverhampton is on track to start the season with as much if not more Portuguese players than Benfica, Porto and Sporting… sheesh! Also, with the continued struggles of Birmingham and Aston Villa, Wolves thankfully – mercifully – mean England’s second city will again be represented in the top flight.
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THE BIG SIX
Money makes the world go round, and The Big Six – especially the two Mancunian clubs – are not afraid to spend it to protect what they see as their rightful Champions League slots. [Note: I am only including Tottenham in that description on the assumption that Daniel Levy gets off his cheap ass and buys someone at some point… I know, I know, good luck with that, Sam.] So the good news is that picking one of these clubs means that you are setting yourself up for plenty of winning this season, next season, and pretty much every season. The bad news is that picking one of these teams – particularly Chelsea, City or United – means you will inevitably be on the receiving end of some ribbing for being a frontrunner… much like somebody who comes to America and decides to be a Yankees or Cowboys or Lakers fan (orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr the exact opposite, but you know what I mean).
Incidentally, my advice to anyone wanting to pick one of these teams: ignore tf out of anyone trying to give you shit about it. I have a ton of respect for anyone picking a lesser club and sticking with it, but let’s be serious: losing sucks. Especially for any total n00bs in the house, if picking a team that wins more than they lose is going keep you more connected to the sport, then just do it and tell anyone to go eff themself.
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ARSENAL (20/1)
Location: North London
Biggest rivals: Tottenham; Chelsea
Notable fans: Justin Bieber; Queen Elizabeth and Prince Harry; Demi Moore; Keanu Reeves; Jay-Z; Puff Daddy; Mick Jagger; Piers Morgan; Kevin Costner
The Gunners have traditionally been known for playing an aesthetically pleasing brand of soccer that is easy on the eyes, and for a long time was the closest thing that the EPL had to the tiki-taka play of Barrrrrrrrrthelona. That was then and this is now, however, as the club is in the midst of a serious dip in form that has resulted in their neighborhood rival Tottenham having a legitimate claim – for the first time in god knows how long – that North London is indeed white… if only (inevitably) temporarily.
After a handful of disappointing seasons (that, to be fair, somehow produced more trophies than Spurs have won in eons), Arsenal are poised for a fresh start this year after (finally) ushering long-time coach Arsene Venger to an old folks home and replacing him with Unai Emery, who recently experienced a ton of success [especially in Europa League – *wink*] at Sevilla followed by a lot less at PSG.
So Arsenal are a club with a decent history of success, with deep pockets (on the rare occasion their American-led owner Stan Kroenke opens the purse strings) and some fun attacking talent with the likes of Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Alexandre Lacazette supported by the likes of Mesut Ozil and Henrikh Mkhitaryan. Unfortunately they may need to score a billion goals because their defensive situation is still a bit up in the air, even after adding (yet) another GK in Bernd Leno and (yet) more aging/lumbering defenders in Stephan Lichsteiner and Sokratis Papastathopenispoulos.
Fun fact: the club has won the 2nd most Community Shields in history! Impressive!
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CHELSEA (12/1)
Location: West London
Biggest rival: Arsenal; Tottenham
Notable fans: Justin Bieber; Michael Caine; Simon Pegg; Sienna Miller; Will Ferrell; Billy Idol; Martin Tyler; Gordon Ramsey; Bill Clinton; Kevin Garnett
Textbook case of a club that has been transformed by a new owner with incredibly deep pockets who is not shy about spending ridiculous sums of money to win… which has been absolutely fantastic for fans – as long as they are willing to not ask too many questions about where precisely all that money came from. The new owner in question is Roman Abramovich a Russian oligarch with uncomfortably close ties to Vladimir Putin who (magically) amassed a fortune through questionable means and, after purchasing the West London club in 2003, immediately transformed the club from also-ran to big-spending contender.
Solid hideout in case, hypothetically, the authorities kick you out of the country for being a shady ass shadeball
Anyway, the thing about “new money” people is that they sometimes don’t really know how to handle success, and such has been the case with Chelsea. The club has been on a serious rollercoaster in recent seasons, winning the title in 2014-15, almost getting relegated – not really but kinda – in 2015-16 (a season highlighted by the midseason firing of Jozay Mourinho), bouncing back to win the title again in 2016-17, then another disappointing season in 2017-18 (albeit topped off with winning the FA Cup).
Long story short, the club runs extremely hot and cold. If you are the type of person who loves a feisty relationship – lots of drama, plenty of yelling, hot make-up sex – then Chelsea may just be your true soulmate.
Nobody knows exactly what to expect from the Blues coming into this season, in part because manager Antonio Conte was (finally officially) fired and there has been a lot of chatter about two critical players – playmaking MF Eden Hazard and GK Thibault Courtois – potentially being shipped out this summer. On the flipside the club has made some useful moves, bringing in manager Maurizio Sarri, who just turned Napoli into one of the most exciting teams in all of Europe on a comparatively shoestring budget, and snagging MF Jorginho (also from Napoli – not coincidentally)… so – per always – there are reasons for both concern and excitement with the club. Win, lose or draw, there is rarely a dull moment with Chelski.
Fun fact: the team was once one of the most easily hateable in the league thanks to guys like John Terry and Diego Costa, but even I find it hard to dislike guys like N’Golo Kante, Hazard and Willian… though on the other hand Chelsea – probably on orders from Puty – refuses to give American (and former NY Red Bull) Matt Miazga much of a look, so they don’t get a total pass in my book.
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LIVERPOOL (4/1)
Location: Liverpool
Biggest rival: Everton; United, BarstoolSam (according to LFC fans)
Notable fans: Nelson Mandella (RIP); Elvis Costello; Dr. Dre; Mike Myers; Liam Neeson; Daniel Craig; Caroline Wozniacki; Lebron James (part-owner)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh, Liverpool. A lot of the fans are convinced that I hate the club. This is false. I don’t hate any EPL clubs (except for maybe one… but it ain’t Liverpool). The reason they think I hate Liverpool is because I have had the audacity to speak the truth about how good their team is for the last few seasons when – second half of last season removed – they quite simply have not been anywhere near as good as their fans think they are… or at least should be. That may change this season as manager Jurgen Klopp – one of the most likeable humans on the planet – has navigated some choppy waters but seems to have finally put together a squad that may legitimately emerge as a title contender… but we can discuss that at greater length in the season preview that will be posting in a few days.
As for more background on the club, Liverpool was a serious force throughout the 1980s when they were in the mix year in and year out. I’m sure there are some good parallels American sports teams – the Dallas Cowboys is one that comes to mind – but, aside from a borderline miraculous Champions League run in 2005 and Luis Suarez-powered second place finish in the EPL in 2013-14, the club had taken a step back in recent years. Things are very much looking up for the Reds at the moment though thanks to smart business – which somehow included the sale of Coutinho, who was thought at the time to be their most talented player – and the breath-taking emergence of Mo Salah, who was perhaps the single most dangerous/entertaining player in the world for most of last season.
World’s largest (albeit most talented) piece of shit
Point being, Liverpool are both a club with a long and storied history of success that at the moment feel like they are again on the upswing. They don’t have the sex appeal of the Manchester clubs, and aren’t as accessible for travellers as the London clubs, but they have a lot going for them… including – for any Boston fans in the house – a longstanding connection to New England as they are owned by the same group as the Red Sox (as well as a few other “random” notable stakeholders…)
Fun fact: If you like Messr. John Feitelberg – who bleeds red – then perhaps Liverpool is the club for you.
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[MANCHESTER] CITY (2/3)
Location: Manchester (northwest England)
Biggest rival: United, OPEC
Notable fans: Ricky Hatton; Gallagher brothers (Oasis); Timothy Dalton (shittier Bond); Aaron Rodgers
The Sky Blues spent many years serving as United’s dedicated whipping boy. City has been the “other” Manchester team for so long that most Americans probably still think of them as that even after they’ve now won the EPL twice in the last six seasons. In fact, deep down in their soul lifelong City fans probably think of themselves as the scrappy underdogs. My oh my how things changed, and changed quickly for City after it was bought by a Middle Eastern sheikh in 2009, who immediately injected untold sums of money into the team. This – along with the expansive signing of manager Pep Guardiola from Bayern a couple years ago – has established them firmly among the league favorites year in and year out… and, oh right, the current defending champions after an incredibly impressive wire-to-wire run last season.
Calling a spade a spade, the club (along with Chelsea) is now thought of as being the league’s two “new money” teams, which is somewhat ironic given how long City toiled as the unloved, underfunded little brother of United. Year in and year out, the club has invested the equivalent of a Central American country’s GDP in upgrading and rounding out the squad, adding the likes of Kevin De Bruyne, Raheem Sterling, John Stones, Kyle Walker, Bernardo Silva and, last summer alone, just about every full back on the market. To their credit though, there is a difference between spending your dick off (reference: Mourinho, Jozay) and spending your dick off wisely – and City most definitely did the latter, as they dominated the entire 2017-18 campaign from start to finish. The big question now, aside from if they are too stacked to suffer a post-championship hangover season, is whether they can finally make some noise in the Champions League.
Fun fact: City owns New York City FC, a semi-recent addition to MLS, so any newly minted soccer fans in the metro region could easily pull a twofer by becoming a fans of City and NYCFC – though that means you must be prepared to explain why playing soccer on a ridiculously skinny field at Yankee Stadium is not as dumb as everybody else in the world seems to think it is.
Recap of City’s last few transfer windows
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[MANCHESTER] UNITED (8/1)
Location: Manchester (northwest England)
Biggest rivals: City; Liverpool
Notable fans: Russell Crowe; Roger Moore (shitty Bond); Sean Connery (best Bond); Usain Bolt; Victoria Beckham; Than Shwe (Commander of Burmese Military Junta)
The Red Devils represent the bluest of blue bloods of the Premier League. Credit to the club, in a brilliant marketing move, the Red Devils were the first team to tickle America’s balls (and bathe in the glorious monetary fruits of said labor) by entering into a cross-licensing arrangement with an American team – the New York Yankees, of course – way back when, which makes a lot of sense given that both teams have glorious histories (and aren’t afraid to tell you about them – whether you ask or not). A better sports analogy though is that United were essentially the New England Patriots of the EPL until their Scottish Bill Belichik (aka Alex Ferguson) retired in 2013, after which the club has been in a bit of a tailspin finishing outside the top four on several occasions and winning the title precisely ZERO times. Like any entity with more money than god, the club has characteristically responded by trying to spend its way back to respectability, but suffice to say that successive managers (David Moyes and Louis Van Gaal) largely shat the bed and got canned, and the latest heir to the throne – Jozay Mourinho – welllllllll, let’s just say the jury is definitely still out on old boy, not only because he hasn’t even threatened to win the league in his first two seasons but also because of how painfully boring the team has been to watch under his direction.
Soccer Succubus, at your service!
Point being, United have a lot of talent and – as their recent purchases of Paul Pogba, Romelu Lukaku and Lexi Sanchez go to show – are never ever afraid to splash the cash to improve the squad. Compared to City, however, United’s big time spending has not led directly into great soccer, let alone titles… not yet anyway. Regardless, picking United as your team means there will always be in the mix for wins and trophies, though with all that spending (and history) comes high expectations that have proven particularly difficult to live up to lately.
Fun fact: there are TONS of United fans in the U.S., both because they have been so good for so long and have thus received more TV exposure here than any other club. As such, finding a local watering hole that is full of fellow United fans come game time is never very difficult.
Bonus preseason edition! Hoo-Wah!!
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TOTTENHAM (15/1)
Location: North London
Biggest rival: Arsenal; Chelsea; success
Notable fans: Billy Beane; Pierce Brosnan (bad Bond); Phil Collins; JK Rowling; Steve Nash; Jude Law; John Cena; Wayne Gretzky (maybe); BarstoolSam
Not a club for the faint of heart. They have contended for the league title – or “put the pressure on” – several times in recent seasons, yet despite being one of the better and most entertaining clubs to watch, they have precisely ZERO trophies to show for it. In other words, the club finds a way to ruin things even after enjoying one their best runs of form in a long, longgggggggg time. Typical Spurs. The last trophy they won was really a “trinket” (aka the make-believe League Cup) was in 2008. The last actual trophy the club won was back in…………. wait for it………….. 1991.
Hopefully Hugo will bring the World Cup by – at least for a pic
Having said all that, the club plans an extremely entertaining brand of soccer that is easy on the eyes and – assuming they don’t get poached by Real Madrid anytime too soon – has tons of young talent like Harry Kane, Dele Alli, Christian Eriksen and Heung-min Son (if/when not going off to war against Kim Dong Un) along with one of the best managers in the league (if not world imho) in Mauricio Pochettino.
Also, it should be noted that Tottenham’s dangly bits have been resting comfortably on Arsenal’s forehead for so long at this point that they have probably left indentations, so we’ve got that going for us – which is nice. Not a trophy, but the next best thing. The team is also about to open a brand new, state of the art stadium that won’t have any of the history of the old White Hart Lane but should make up for it with all the bells and whistles (and REVENUES) that comes with a new stadium.
Fun fact: fans are collectively known as the Yid Army (long story but, yes, it does relate to Judaism – or Jewishness?) so you could decide to support them simply for the jokes… unfortunately the joke would be on you, however, because as mentioned the team always – ALWAYS – finds a way to blow it.
“Gretsky” (not Gretzky) = Spursy
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And there we have it. If you can’t settle on an EPL team to support based on the info above then I’m gonna go ahead and say that you probably never will. Either way, I’ll be back with a (shorter – in theory) season preview very soon. Also, funny blurb that I just noticed in the 2017-18 version of the “guide to picking an EPL team” blog:
“And to answer the question I’ve been getting on twitter a lot lately, yes, a podcast is still on the radar… nothing to report at the moment but will keep you updated as soon as I can.”
-Samuel Army, precisely 12 months ago… sigh… the good news, though, is that I really am hoping to have something to update you about ASAP (and thanks again to those of you who tuned in to Puty’s World Cup Podcast).
PS: GET PUMPED BLUD FAM
Finally, before you go, the single funniest video the internet has produced all year:
Holler,
Samuel Army