Millennials Are At It Again - Those Sick Bastards Are Now Killing Home Cooked Meals and Kitchens
Millennials are such sick fucking bastards.
Look at this guy’s fucking face knowing he’s not going to be used anymore.
Look at this poor guy sitting in the drawer all alone not getting the opportunity to slice shit up and feel the crisp snap of red onion dicing against his dulling neglected blade.
Look at this distraught bastard leaning up against the corner waiting weeks to have juices and liquids and food remnants mashed into its wood that’s fucking impossible to scrub out.
And don’t get me started on this lonely, solitary cookbook gathering dust on the shelf, wondering when the next time (if ever) that god damn 25 year old fuckhead will make her Matcha Avocado Smoothie after the gym or Pickled Congee with Tea Eggs for a light supper after Soulcycle?
Fucking savages. No regard for the inanimate objects in the kitchen or the feelings of…meals that are cooked by hand.
Meanwhile my delivery guy who works his ass off riding his bike around the wild NYC streets in the summer heat wave dipping and dodging insane cab drivers to bring me my food while it’s still hot is getting 30, 35, sometimes even 50% (!!!) tips.
(What’s the reason for this? Well, one is that I’m Jewish. I’ve said this before. Not only am I Jewish but I look Jewish. I am acutely cognizant of the stereotype of Jews and their views of handing out money to others, and as a result am deeply insecure of being perceived that way. So I combat that (pretty well deserved viewpoint if we’re being honest) by overtipping the fuck out of the service industry. Not because I’m generous or because I want to reward hard work. Because I’d rather go broke than have one server in this city mutter “Jew” to themselves as they walk back to the register.
Two, you have to encounter those guys face to face. They’re always looking at you and hesitating halfway between your door and the elevator giving that kind of 2 second pause to see if you reach for your pocket. There’s always sweat streaming down their face too. Poor motherfuckers are so tired. Sure the app clearly states tipping is optional but come on. There is no optional when the guy who just rode his bike 14 blocks in 100 degree heat is standing there sizing you up. Take all my money, here, have it. Please respect me.)
Shame on millennials for supporting the restaurant industry, the delivery guys who tolerate long hours and horrible conditions and rude impatient customers to feed their families, start-up apps designed to make your busy life easier after spending 13 hour days at your job too scared to take a vacation. You are what’s wrong with America.