Word To The Wise: You Probably Don't Want To Make An Enemy Out Of Crazy Ass John Tortorella
While it was known for a few days ahead of time, yesterday it was announced that Jack Johnson (the hockey playing one) would be leaving the Columbus Blue Jackets to sign with the Pittsburgh Penguins in free agency. Kind of a Flake move by Jack Johnson but sometimes all you can really do is listen to You And Your Heart. I guess he figured that he was just Wasting Time in Columbus and came to the realization that he and the Blue Jackets weren’t Better Together. And to be fair, he definitely needed a change of scenery. Johnson was getting healthy scratched in the playoffs last year and Columbus sure as shit wasn’t going to give him the 5-year, $16.25M contract that Pittsburgh offered him. That’s a contract you get when you’re boys with Sidney Crosby. However, Jack Johnson is going to be Sitting, Waiting, Wishing that he didn’t say what he did at his first press conference since signing with the Penguins because it has John Tortorella all sorts of riled up, and now Torts is going to make it his mission to turn Jack Johnson’s life Upside Down.
During that press conference, Jack Johnson said he signed with Pittsburgh because he’s “been looking to be in a winning culture”. Now I understand what he was getting at. The Penguins have won 2 cups in the last 3 years. Jack Johnson was traded from LA in the middle of the 2011-12 season right before they won their first of 2 cups. And since then he’s only played in 11 playoff games with Columbus. So it’s not like he’s wrong. It’s just… well… John Tortorella didn’t exactly enjoy that statement. Here was his very level-headed and measured response
The “he doesn’t have enough balls to call me back” line is where you know Torts isn’t fucking around anymore. The moment you bring testicles into the equation, the gloves are off. Repeatedly alluding to the fact that his scumbag parents took all of his money shows that he’s out for blood. And the “I get him on the World Cup team” is like taking Jack Johnson’s original backhand slap and ramping it up tenfold. Basically saying to the world right there that the only reason Jack Johnson was on USA’s World Cup roster was because he thought he was doing the poor guy a favor. And then obviously you have the closing line right there where you know that the first time the Blue Jackets play against Pittsburgh next year, Torts is throwing his goons out on the ice for the opening puck drop. It’s been a while since we’ve seen John Tortorella completely uncaged. He hasn’t really been set off in a while. But this situation right here? Well this is giving us some classic Torts. Especially because Jack Johnson isn’t even the only guy who he wants to kill right now. Pittsburgh’s GM Jim Rutherford might want to look into hiring some security detail at the moment. Because here’s what Rutherford said at the same press conference yesterday.
Rutherford is rightfully taking some heat for the signing but like I said before, I don’t think he really had any say in the matter. This was Sidney Crosby trying to take care of one of his guys he’s been friends with since high school who has had a pretty up and down career in the NHL on the ice and off the ice. So you can’t really blame Rutherford for listening to 87. What you can blame Rutherford for, however, is for his own death if he gets murdered by John Tortorella. Because you had to have known that quote was going to fire him up. You don’t poke the bear like that. You already saw the “he must be a fucking magician” line from Tortorella above. But he went on some more about it.
Hitting him with the double “shut the fuck up”. I think I need to put “So Rutherford should shut the fuck up” on a tshirt and just watch the millions upon millions of dollars start to pour in. John Tortorella is so goddamn fired up about this entire situation and it’s glorious. At this point I think it has to be even money that Torts throws at least a punch or two at Jim Rutherford the next time these guys cross paths. And it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest to see Rutherford bitch out and leave town the first time that Columbus plays in Pittsburgh this year. Could you blame the guy? Torts is one of the biggest psychopaths in the National Hockey League. I think he’s had a lot of frustration that has been building up over the last few months while he’s been staying relatively quiet. But this Jack Johnson presser just blew his lid off and now he is untethered and his rage knows no bounds.
The only way I see this situation ending with anything besides physical violence is if Jack Johnson finally sacks up and invites Torts over to discuss the issue man-to-man over a home cooked meal. Perhaps some Banana Pancakes.