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The NFL Doesn't Know What Julian Edelman Tested Positive For

BODY At The ESPYS Pre-Party - Arrivals

The MMQBI know what Julian Edelman posted on Instagram in the wake of the suspension news (“I don’t know what happened”) came off as a little weird, but there is an explanation for it. I was told Edelman’s result was triggered by a substance that wasn’t immediately recognizable, and there are scientists analyzing it. And as to the timing, the test did happen during the offseason (a couple months ago), which means it’s not for any kind of stimulant. You might remember the rash of players saying they got popped for Adderall—the rules have changed now so that offseason use of stimulants falls under the substances of abuse policy, rather than the PED policy.

Let me get this straight. Julian Edelman gets tested some time in the Spring, turns up positive for some unknown substance the NFL hasn’t been able to identify in “a couple of months,” and still he’s suspended for a quarter of the season. Worse, he’s humliated. Everything he’s ever accomplished is called into question. He’s being marched before Roger Goodell’s Shame Bell down the street of public opinion and being pelted with garbage and feces. The league just doesn’t know what for.

Edelman might have had traces of some new substance in his system no one at a multi-billion operation has ever seen before. It could be a PED or it could be a stimulant. Possibly it’s something he secretly mixed in his own lab, like the Super Soldier Serum that German doctor used to create Captain America. Perhaps it’s an ingredient in a food he ate. Or maybe he’s got more midichlorians in his system than Master Yoda, and the NFL’s testing hasn’t yet caught up to cells from far away galaxies that give former college quarterbacks the Slot Receiver Force. They simply do not know. And months of trying to find out have gotten them nowhere. All the league knows for sure it that Edelman is a cheater who needs to be [put in the timeout chair for the first four weeks of the season.

Got it. This is how this works. Have hidden camera footage of a guy from a employed by a sketchy clinic say he’s been sending HGH a player HGH addressed to his wife as said player is shattering records while coming off neck surgery, and the NFL says there’s nothing to see here. Have the entire western world know that Ray Lewis was on Deer Antler Spray during the Ravens Super Bowl run, and the NFL doesn’t say a word. Have another player show a trace of some anonymous substance and they go right to their default setting of dishing out punishment. No benefit of the doubt. No holding off until they figure out what they’ve found. Just destroy the man’s reputation and ask questions later.

That’s justice under Roger Goodell’s Fuhrerprinzip. And if Patriots fans so much as mention the double and triple standard, we’re a bunch of whining, paranoid crybabies. To which I say again, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the world isn’t actually out to get you.

P.S. Frankly, if Edelman does get the four games, I think we’re getting off easy. Whenever the NFL starts looking into anything involving this team, it doesn’t go well. I say he should just serve his sentence before we start losing draft picks.