PUTY’S WORLD CUP PREVIEW (presented by Barstool) – Groups E & F
Sam’s Safe Space for Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters™,
First things first, the rumors are true: Barstool will officially be launching a soccer-specific podcast later today that will run through the end of Puty’s World Cup. The haters said it would never happen. Many of the non-haters thought it probably would never happen. I even started to suspect it may never happen. But here we are. It’s happening. I will post a blog with all the relevant information about it soon (target: *Noon ET*) – shooting for around lunch time – so please stay tuned and subscribe, download, tell your friends to tell their friends, etc, etc.
But now back to the blog. I’ll keep this intro extra short. These previews are meant to help get your mind right for the latest edition of the greatest sporting spectacle on earth, which kicks off on Thursday and runs for the next 31 days. No, the USA will not be there, but it’s time to swallow that bitter pill once and for all because even without our usual quadrennial dose of nationalistic fervor that doesn’t mean we don’t have DAY DRINKING, MONEY WINNING and SPORTS WATCHING to look forward to. So sit back, relax and let me provide a quick and dirty rundown of what to watch for from each team, players to keep an eye on, best and worst case scenarios, and a precog-like account of how my tiny ass brain sees the tournament playing out (aka predictions).
In case you missed them and want to get caught up, here are the two previously published blogs:
• PUTY’S WORLD CUP PREVIEW (presented by Barstool) – Groups A & B
• PUTY’S WORLD CUP PREVIEW (presented by Barstool) – Groups C & D
Now without further ado, let’s take a quick gander at what to expect from Groups E & F…
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GROUP E – Rich (Brazil) get richer, poor fight for right to lose in R16
BRAZIL (1st)
FIFA rank: 2
Best finish: Champions (1958, 1962, 1970, 1994, 2002)
2014 finish: 4th place
Four years ago the world was dancing on Brazil’s grave after they got murdered by Germany in the semis and post-mortally abused by the Dutch in the 3rd place game. Suffice to say the Seleção are back in a big way.
Their big problem last time around was being too dependent on Neymar, so when he went down the team followed.
The emergence and maturation of guys like Philippe Coutinho (MF – Barcelona), Willian (MF – Chelsea), Firmino (F – Liverpool) and Gabriel Jesus (F – City) means that at least a little bit the pressure to produce offensively is off Brazil’s Golden Boy.
Brazil is solid on defense even after Dani Alves’ injury as Danilo (D – City) or Fagner (D – Corinthians) will step in to play opposite of Marcelo (D – Real Madrid), and guys like Casemiro (DM – Real Madrid) and Paulinho 2.0 (MF – Barcelona) bossing the middle of the field. As if that’s not enough, the O.G. Jogo Bonito-ers even managed to plug their traditional weakness in net thanks to the development of Ederson (City) and Alisson (Roma).
Tl;dr… this team is stacked.
Key player: Neymar
Red flag: Neymar’s form… the PSG (at the moment anyway) standout is coming off surgery for a broken bone in his foot, meaning he has played a grand total of one half of soccer since February. True, he has scored two goals in two friendlies since returning last week, but a surgically repaired foot is a delicate thing in footy fairyland and it’ll be tough not to be at least a little rusty coming off a 100-day layoff.
BEST CASE: Winning the World Cup, obviously.
WORST CASE: Assuming Brazil and Germany both finish first, meaning they avoid what would be a R16 matchup for the ages, the worst they could do is lose in the semifinals (by less than 7-1, presumably).
Turn that frown upside down, Oldballsinho
**
SERBIA (2nd)
FIFA rank: 35
Best finish: 4th place (1930 – as Yugoslavia)
2014 finish: DNQ (last qualified in 2010)
Fun fact: Aleksandar Kolorav (D – Roma) and Antonio Rukavina (D – Villarreal) are the only two players – TWO! – on Serbia’s entire World Cup roster whose name don’t end in “-ic”. So many -ic’s… branch out and live a little, people!
The strength of Serbia’s team is in the midfield where playmaker Sergej Milinkovic-Savic (Napoli) is supported by Nemanja Matic (United) with Dusan Tadic (Southampton) and Filip Kostic (Hamburger) bombing down the wings.
Key player: Aleksandar Mitrovic (F – Newcastle) is a perfect example of how loan deals are meant to work. He wasn’t playing that well or often for Toon so he went to Fulhamerica in January and ever since has been on a tear, helping the Cottagers earn promotion to the EPL and punching his ticket to the World Cup. People helping people, can’t beat that. Now whether the notoriously temperamental Mitrovic can translate that form over to the big stage (while refraining from head-butting anybody)… we shall see.
Red flag: Aging defense… I already kind of hate that I have them advancing out of the group because an old backline is a big time no-no for me. Branislav Ivanovic is not a spry 34 years old while Kolarov (32) and Rukavina (34) are not much spryer.
BEST CASE: R16
WORST CASE: Failing to escape the group is a possibility, which would be pretty disappointing considering the relatively modest level of non-Brazilian competition.
**
COSTA RICA (3rd)
FIFA rank: 25
Best finish: Quarterfinals
2014 finish: Quarterfinals (lost to the Netherlands)
The Ticos can only dream of repeating their miraculous performance at WC14 where they finagled their way to the top of a group involving England, Italy and Uruguay and were rewarded with a R16 matchup against “offensively challenged” Greece, eventually prevailing on penalties before falling to the Dutch in the quarters – also on penalties. Helluva run.
Can lightning strike twice? In a word, probably not… though their saving grace could be a fortunate draw.
Costa Rica is strong on defense, led by Keylor Navas (GK – Real Madrid) in net who had a very up and down season in Spain but, it must be said, he came up big when he needed to in the Champions League. That said, he also made some uncharacteristic boo-boos, and – breaking moos – Ronny isn’t around to bail him out when playing for Costa Rica.
Key players: Joel Campbell (F – Arsenal) and Marcos Ureña (F – LAFC). The question marks for Costa Rica are going forward as previously productive attacking midfielders like 32-year-old Bryan Ruiz (MF – Sporting) and 34-year-old Christian Bolaños (MF – Saprissa) are no spring chickens. That means Campbell, who has been on the verge of breaking out for the past decade (and yet is only 25) and/or Ureña will need to step up and contribute.
Red flag/Weakness: Inconsistent (at best) offensive firepower
BEST CASE: You can’t count the Ticos out as far as their chances of finding a way to sneak out of a rather weak group, especially after they finished on top of a group that included England, Italy and Uruguay in 2014… though if they do find a way to advance the R16 is where that run would no doubt end this time around.
WORST CASE: On flip side, an early exit seems more likely.
**
SWITZERLAND (4th)
FIFA rank: 6 (hahahaha)
Best finish: Quarterfinals
2014 finish: Quarterfinals (lost to Argentina)
Credit where credit is due, those Swiss are administrative geniuses. There is a reason everybody goes to them for their big-money banking needs. They always remember to dot the I’s and cross the T’s. This attention to detail clearly extends to their soccer federation, which I am convinced must have figured out how to game the system by figuring out who to play and when in friendlies in order to jack their FIFA ranking up as high as possible.
Sixth? SIXTH?????? Gtfohhhhhhhhh. That’s almost as ludicrous as the USMNT climbing to 4th in the rankings just prior to defecating all over ourselves in the 2006 World Cup. I’m not saying that Switzerland is in for a similar fate in the 2018 edition – but I’m definitely not not saying that either.
Switzerland are the quintessential posterchild for a team that does not necessarily lack talent, but absolutely lacks difference makers. You really can’t put a price on a player who is capable of a moment of magic (even if they fuck up 15 times before that). The team is a bunch of mid-level management types who have gotten where they are in life by not rocking the boat and aren’t about to start making waves now.
“Solidity on defense; stagnation on offense; world on axis”
-ancient Swiss Proverb
Key player: Xherdan Shaqiri (MF – Stoke) is the only player on Switzerland who has ever attempted a stepover, let alone a backheel. It’s true.
If and when the World’s Angriest Garden Gnome gets rolling down the wing he can be tough to stop, though it remains to be seen how emotionally damaged he is after getting beaten down week after week at Stoke this past season.
Weakness: Creativity has been outlawed in Switzerland since the 18th Century, really putting a damper on the national team’s ability to make the jump from good to very good.
BEST CASE: Could they sneak into the R16? Meh, a draw here and a 1-0 win there are not totally implausible.
WORST CASE: More likely though the “6th best team in the world” will end up being the 3rd or 4th best team in this group.
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GROUP F – aka “The battle for second”
GERMANY (1st)
FIFA rank: 1
Best finish: Champions (1954, 1974, 1990, 2014)
2014 finish: Champions
There’s really not much to say about Die Mannschaft. The team is stacked top to bottom. Yes, they are doing that thing they sometimes do before big tournaments where they lose a couple of meaningless friendly games so that people start wondering, “Hmm, maybe they are not that good?” but thankfully you and I are a lot smarter than those dummies. Germany is gud. Rully, rully gud. Pro tip: a team that has enough talent to leave Leroy Sane (MF – City) at home is not a team you want to fuq wit.
If there is a question mark about Germany it is upfront, where Mario Gomez is aging, Thomas Muller never looks comfortable as an out and out striker, and Timo Werner – for all his potential – remains relatively untested on the big stage. Having said that, you could do a lot worse than taking a flyer on Werner for the Golden Boot given his status as the likely go-to striker for a team that never loses.
Key player: Toni Kroos (MF – Real Madrid) has had a bit of an up and down season but at age 28 leading Germany to glory at Puty’s World Cup would be a legacy-making achievement. [Honorable mention: the health of Manuel Neuer (GK – Bayern) is a big question mark, but despite what some people may say it ain’t make-or-break given the availability of Marc-Andre ter Stegen (Barcelona) as a ready replacement.]
Red flag/weakness: Anybody who finds a glaring hole in this squad is looking too hard. Yes, I would have picked Sane over Julian Brandt (Bayer Leverkusen) as well. But here’s the thing: Joachim Low has is a World Cup-winning coach whereas you (probably) and I (definitely) are not.
BEST CASE: Winning the whole thing is ALWAYS a very good and very real possibility for Germany.
WORST CASE: As much as I’m itching to throw in a HUT TAKE – like when I said defending champion Spain would not get out of the group in 2014 (sup haters?) – but hard to imagine them losing before the quarterfinals even in a worst case scenario. [Editor’s note: Germany never loses before the semifinals. Like, never. So them falling in the quarters would be a youge upset and profound disappointment for Ze Germans.]
**
MEXICO (2nd)
FIFA rank: 15
Best finish: Quarterfinals
2014 finish: R16
I’ve been seeing a lottttttttttttttttt of people picking Mexico as their darkhorse heading into this World Cup. They have some fun young talent and has the firepower to at least cause problems even against teams at the tippy top of the pecking order – keep an eye on Hirving Lozano (F – PSV) who is just 22, by the way – but I’m not convinced El Tri has defensive sturdiness to hold up their end of the bargain.
WILDCARD: The team threw a little multi-purpose going-away-and-birthday party for Chicarita Hernandez (F – West Ham) the night before leaving for Europe, which was all fun and games while the mariachi band was jamming and pin-the-tail-on-the-burro was in full swing but took a hard left turn right about the time the (alleged) prostitutes showed up. In this day and age one man’s team-building exercise is another’s national embarrassment, and of course the Mexican media has been going ham covering the fiesta. So there is a chance it could be a distraction, especially since at least one of the players present was given an excused absence to go home and deal with a “family matter” (nothing like trying to explain a sex party to your wife the day before taking a month-long trip abroad!). The best part about the story though is the fact that team captain Rafa Marquez reportedly went around the team hotel talking to all the guys involved, reminding them of their “responsibilities” as role models… ahhhhh yes, nothing like a lecture on the harm of a little consensual sex coming from a dude who just last year was caught up in an international drug ring – but is apparently going to the World Cup rather than prison?
¡Viva Mexico!
Key player: Birthday boy Chicarita just turned 30 and still gets carded for cigarillos, but this tournament is the time to make his mark on the Mexican national team. He has some nice complementary weapons around him in Lozano, Jesus Corona (F – Porto) and perhaps even Carlos Vela 3.0 (F – LAFC). Remains to be seen though if the old boy can get it in when not paying for it.
Red flag/weakness: Anybody pointing to the “party” as a red flag is just jealous. Some single dudes trying to take their minds off of the biggest, most high-pressure event of their lives? OH, THE HUMANITY! Nah, that ain’t the problem… rather, if you are looking for something to be a little worried about with Mexico, focus on their defensive frailties that may or may not be related to Guillermo Ochoa’s out of control pube puff.
Polar opposite of Mo Salah’s manly power puff
BEST CASE: Is making their traditional run to the R16 where they could very easily face Brazil and would give them a game but inevitably fall short… or they could get incredibly lucky and instead face Serbia, where they would find some other way to lose. Lotta people seem to think this is “the year” that Mexico finally moves past the R16. Yeah. Sure. Just like this was “the year” that Tottenham would win something or Real Madrid would not win something. Traditions are traditions for a reason, damit.
WORST CASE: This ain’t Group A. El Tri could absolutely go three-and-out, as both Sweden and Good Korea are potential threats.
**
GOOD KOREA (3rd)
FIFA rank: 61
Best finish: 4th place (2002)
2014 finish: Group stage
I admittedly have a soft spot for Son Heung-min (MF/F – Tottenham), whose quiet productivity and steady improvement over the last couple of years has warmed my cold, black heart.
The team itself should be rather entertaining to watch for neutrals as they are not afraid to stream forward on attack, usually on the counter… their issue is a lack of talent in defense, which is compounded by their willingness to get forward – or “naiveté” as some people like to call it.
Key player: Sonny is not a bad option up top for a predominantly counter-attacking team but he is going to have to make it count on the rare occasions he gets a good look.
Red flag: DEFENSE
BEST CASE: Bookies haaaaaaate them some Good Korea this year, but that is not a big surprise since this team is consistently underrated. The good news is that whoever makes it out of the group in second could have a rather doable R16 matchup against (likely) Serbia, meaning a quarterfinal run is slightly more than a pipe dream.
WORST CASE: That said, they could just as easily find themselves on the wrong end of three straight losses in what is a tough group.
**
SWEDEN (4th)
FIFA rank: 23
Best finish: Runner-up (1958)
2014 finish: DNQ (last qualified in 2006)
Zlatan “decided” not to play in the World Cup kinda like Trump will again “decide” not to invite the NBA champions to the White House this summer [editor’s note: this was written before Donald did exactly that], and like how I have “decided” to no longer pursue having consensual sexual relations with Alexandra Daddario.
“No thanks, I’m all set” -me
Leaving Big Z at home was the right decision, but one that will be hanging over the coach’s head like a guillotine unless the team makes some moves in the tournament. The fact is that Sweden has been a better all-around team in Zlatan’s absence, instead of just passing the ball to him, standing around watching and hoping he doesn’t yell at them.
Key player: Emil Forsberg (MF – RB Leipzig) has emerged as a difference maker and is particularly good at transitioning from defense into attack… assuming he can find someone to pass to up top.
Red flag/weakness: Who is finna put the biscuit in the basket? John Guidetti (F – Celta Vigo) couldn’t cut it at Man City but has produced in Holland and Spain in spurts… though at age 26 he’s not been nearly consistent enough to give me much confidence that WC18 will be his coming out party.
BEST CASE: Is snagging second place out from under Mexico, which would open up the possibility of making it through to the quarterfinals.
WORST CASE: Early summer vacation.
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So there we have it. Not sure if I will drop the fourth (and final) group preview later today or not, little worried that might be overkill with the podcast also dropping midday. Either way though there is one more group preview coming and another couple blogs after that containing the world’s worst predictions for the knockout stages and also a handy-dandy guide on figuring out what country to root for (or against)… so plenty more fun on the way ahead of Thursday’s kickoff for Puty’s World Cup. Stay tuned!
Holler,
Samuel Army