FB - Just when we thought all staples of our basic Americana couldn’t get any bougier, Crest whips up a new line of speciality toothpastes, with flavors more reminiscent of the candy/seasonal/greeting card aisle than dental hygiene. “Be,” they’re calling it, as in “Be Adventurous,” “Be Dynamic,” and any number of uplifting affirmations that have no business being anywhere within eyesight before you’ve had your second cup of coffee. The three flavors currently on the roster are “Mint Chocolate Trek,” “Vanilla Mint Spark,” and “Lime Spearmint Zest.”
If you don’t think this is huge news, you’re a square. Toothpaste (should be) a vital part of your daily routine. Once when you wake up, once before you go to sleep. So if Crest is flipping the toothpaste game upside down and inside out, I’m here to talk about it. And I say kick rocks, Crest. Get your Mint Chocolate Trek out of my face, and nowhere near my mouth. Mint or GTFO. There’s no other flavor needed. You don’t make change for the fuck of making change. Stupid overachievers. Remember in school when you had to write an essay, and the teacher would be like write 2 pages, and some Squidward would write a god damn literary novel? That person deserved an F-. Follow the rules, chubs. And that’s what Crest needs to do. Get your Lime Spearmint the fuck away. Yea, just what I want, a lime in my mouth first thing in the morning. To quote the famous philosopher Clancyleo, “For sure not”.
PS: Can’t write a flames toothpaste blog without reiterating how crazy it is that people wake up and eat breakfast before brushing their teeth. Like, all that gunk built up overnight, and now you’re eating eggs and all that shitty bacteria n plaque. That’s fucking disgusting. And don’t go all hoity toity on me “orange juice after brushing is so yucky!”. Shut it. Nobody is chugging orange juice 9 seconds after brushing. And if you do happen to be at a Holiday Inn Express or Bob Evans, which are the only places people drink orange juice immediately after waking up, swoosh some H2O around in your mouth first. But eating with a face full of gunk is minor league shit. People who live under bridges do that. Be responsible. Get some hygiene.