(Green Death Soccer tshirts are now on sale. This is a pre-order! So if you need this shirt in the next 10 minutes don't order it. They will ship in two weeks as I just placed the order for them today)

Reader Email

Hey Prez.

After reading the stool version, here's the follow up. The coach's resignation and attempt to explain himself in his original email.  Classic.

From: Mike

Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 2:30 PM
Subject: Scituate Spring Soccer - U8 Team 7

Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season.  Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email.  For the avoidance of doubt, the email was largely (albeit not completely) meant in jest and with the goal of giving the parents a chuckle while enduring yet another round of organized youth sports.  It was also meant as a satire of those who take youth sports too seriously for the wrong reasons.  My overarching goal is the well-being of my players, and I do not want any player to feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to see the team disbanded because of a lack of active players.  Therefore, while I’d prefer to go down swinging, it’s really about the kids and it just makes more sense for me to take the year off.

While I respectfully disagree with the Board's interpretation of my comments, I believe that they should be commended for their immediate actions to address the concerns of the offended parties.  The Board’s action proves that the chain of command is functioning as designed.  Board members volunteer their valuable time and I do not plan to add to their already significant workload.  I also respect those parents who were offended as I am sure they acted in the best interest of their children.  While I may question their sense of humor, I have no right to question their judgment regarding their children.  Perhaps we may even have beer (I’ll buy) and a couple of laughs at the end of all of this.

And while I am sorry some people failed to see the humor, I do not apologize for my actions; I wrote it, I think it's funny and I do have a distaste for the tediousness of overbearing political correctness.  Furthermore, I was serious about parental involvement as I do believe parents should cheer and encourage players (in a positive fashion obviously) so that the kids feel the excitement that comes from team competition.  And most importantly, I was completely serious that I want to see each young girl develop a positive self image, self-confidence and the will to succeed in any endeavor that she desires.  Lastly, I have added some comments to my initial email (in capitals) to clarify several points that may have been viewed as offensive.

Sincerely,

Michael K.

Go Green Death!

Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club!  My name is Michael K and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies.  Chris M will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular Terry M to return to the sidelines.  Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM.  There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours.  All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School.  Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required.  A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices.  There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place.  If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email).  Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct.  After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), [SLIGHT EXAGERATION  BUT SORRY COLM, THAT DISERTATION  COULD HAVE BEEN SHORTENED TO ABOUT 2 MINUTES] no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc.   We used to tape the earings, but that practice is no longer acceptable.  Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of.  My home phone is 781 XXX XXXX, my cell number is 781 XXX XXXX, and I check my email frequently[I THINK I COVERED THE SUBSTANCE OF THE COACHES MEETING SUFFICIENTLY IN THIS PARAGRAPH].  According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. [CLUE #1 THAT THIS IS MEANT IN JEST FOR THOSE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR] For the others……

OK, here’s the real deal:  Team 7 will be called Green Death.  We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes [MEANT TO BE A JOKE, BUT CLEARLY AN ISSUE NOW].  Green Death has had a long and colorful history[FACT], and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team [THIS IS A TEAM SPORT SO ALL SHOULD BE INVOLVED].  This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever [A JOKE, BUT PAST PLAYERS STILL SAY GO GREEN DEATH WHEN I SEE THEM].  We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer [FAIR BUT TOUGH – SEEMS REASONABLE].  We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice [AGAIN, NOT UNREASONABLE TO EXPECT SOME HARD WORK].  We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull [EVERYONE SHOULD PLAY AND I’M ENCOURAGING HARD WORK BY EVERYONE AND NO FAVORITISM TO SUPERSTARS – BY THE WAY, I LOVE DOGS TOO AND FOUND VICK’S MISTREATMENT OF THEM OFFENSIVE].   Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me.  Coach Mac has been designated “good guy” this year. [JOKE – BUT I THINK I HAVE DEFINTIELY MADE HIM LOOK GOOD ON A RELATIVE BASIS]

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree.  However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers [JOKE – WE ALL LIKE TO WIN.  ALSO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE OPPOSITE OF THE WINNER IS, A NON-WINNER? EVERYONE LOSES AND NEEDS TO DEAL WITH IT].  Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game.  While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup [YEP, I AGREE WE WON’T WIN THEM ALL – BUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH TRYING].  While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted[A JOKE, PERHAPS A BAD CHOICE OF WORDS, BUT AREN’T WE ALL A LITTLE TOO CONCERNED ABOUT LEGAL LIABILITY NOW?  HOW ABOUT LETTING KIDS JUST PLAY THE GAME].  The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little [STATEMENT OF FACT THERE].  Big deal, it’s good for them [GOT TO LEARN TO GET UP AFTER A FALL SOMETIME] (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding) [ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANYONE BLEED].  If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle.  The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better.  My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people[I HAVE NEVER HECKLED A REF WITH INTENT OF MALICE, SOME MAY NOT GET THE JOKE, BUT ISN’T IT GOOD FOR KIDS TO BE ABLE TO INTERACT WITH ADULTS, THEY WILL DEAL WITH THEM SOON ENOUGH].  The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines [YEP, WE SHOULD ALL TAKE OURSELVES A LITTLE LESS SERIOUSLY].  America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad” [MY HUMBLE OPINION, BUT ISN’T OBEISITY A PROBLEM IN AMERICA?].  I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world [ALL THE NEWS I READ SAYS IT IS BECOMING AN INCREASINGLY COMPETITIVE WORLD].  Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps [JOKE].  Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? [MY OPINION]  Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? [GRUESOME FACT - APOLOGIES TO THE VEGANS]  And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies.  No junk food. [JOKE, I OBVIOUSLY EXPECT YOU WILL FEED YOUR KIDS WHAT YOU WANT] Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.[JOKE – BUT I DO SAY THAT BLOOD DOPING AND HGH ARE FROWNED UPON, AND I AM NOT AWARE OF ANY TESTING IN PLACE] And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners[A RUNNING JOKE SINCE 2002 MITE LEVEL HOCKEY].

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be) I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from[JOKE, BUT I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LEAGUE DOES NOT SHARE MY VIEWS]. conventional norms [PERHAPS A SIGNIFICANT UNDERSTATMENT].  But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks[JOKE, BUT PARENTS SHOULD BE WATCHING THE GAMES, THIS IS NOT FREE BABY-SITTING.  I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something [YEP, I WANT EVERYONE INTO THE GAME TO GET THE KIDS PUMPED.  I DO NOT ADVOCATE ANYTHING NEGATIVE HERE].

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel.  My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo.  Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives.  I want these girls to be winners in the game of life.  [THIS IS MY MOST IMPORTANT POINT, MADE IN A HUMOROUS WAY, BUT I AM SERIOUS HERE; I WANT THE BEST FOR MY DAUGHTER AND ALL THE GIRLS IN THIS TOWN.  DON’T THINK THERE’S A PROBLEM?  HOW ABOUT POPULAR YOUTH IDOL CHRIS BROWN BEATING RIHANNA?   Who’s with me [CLEARLY NOT EVERYONE AND POSSIBLY NOT ANYONE]?

Go Green Death!

Let me just say that this is one of the darkest days in the history of Scituate Rec League Girls Soccer.   I mean is everybody really that uptight that they couldn’t tell this guy was joking?   We should all be so lucky to have our kids play for somebody like this.  A dude who obviously has a sense of humor, cares about kids and wants to win.   Honestly I’m tempted to go into Scituate, grope a bunch of rich MILF’s and kidnap as many little girls as I need to fill out a soccer team and hire this guy as my coach.   Fuck Scituate.  We’ll join some traveling league and run game on everybody’s ass.   Our girls will be hotter, faster and skankier then every other team in the state.   And if that doesn’t work then I’ll just sell a shitload of Green Death t-shirts.  Either way we’ll have the last laugh.

PS – I love how everybody was saying this was fake on Friday.  Listen you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool the Pres.  I don’t just stick anything up on the blog.  I ask questions, do my research, and probe the situation.   There is a reason I’m your leader and this is one of them.  I have a great Internet bullshit detector.  It’s what separates us from them.