Random Thoughts

Introducing Nancy from Suffolk.It's been awhile since Suffok got back in the mix. About time. God knows we love Brunettes and Nancy has a top 5 body we've ever posted in Smokeshow of the Day. She just demolished that red dress.

Do you know anybody who can rock a dress like Nancy? Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click for more of Nancy

Foxnews - A 27-year-old Australian man who pimped a 16-year-old girl so he and his girlfriend could afford their apartment, would pay the schoolgirl with chicken nuggets, the Australian Associated Press reported.  Ronald Vikash Gander used the $4,500 the teen made for having sex with five middle-aged men in June of last year to pay the weekly $1,050 rent on his Brisbane apartment, the Brisbane District Court was told. Gander and his 16-year-old girlfriend would pay the teen with an occasional box of chicken nuggets, the AAP reported. "The girl was used as if she was a piece of meat ... and your conduct can properly be described as that of a sleaze merchant," Judge Marshall Irwin told Gander.

Woah, woah, woah.   The judge can slow down for a second.  Sleaze merchant?  That’s a little bit harsh don’t you think?   I mean it’s not like this guy didn’t pay the girl at all.  He did give her chicken McNuggets.  For all we know it was the 30 pack too.  That shit can get expensive.  Did anybody every think maybe that’s how the girl wanted to get paid?   You never know with teenagers this day.   They love the greasy shit.    So if you want to punish this guy for being a pimp that’s cool, but leave the Chicken McNuggets out of it.

I have a special offer for the Stoolies. Tyson, the most anticipated movie in the history of civilization has a special advanced screening tonight at 7pm at the Boston AMC . I got sent a PDF invitation that is +1 that you need to print out and bring. At first I just thought I was supremely awesome for getting this, but at the bottom it says I can forward it to whoever I want so god knows how many people have it. I was going to try and go because I'm dying to see this, but I got my freaking paper tonight so I'm stuck here working like a dog. But if anybody wants the invitation just shoot me an email (portnoy@barstoolsports.com) and I'll send it to you. I guess the director is going to be there answering questions to. The one catch is that it's obviously not guaranteed seating. I've never gone to one of these before so maybe it's a mob scene, but who knows. I figured I'd throw it out there in case there are any Tyson fans like me who would appreciate it.

(Green Death Soccer tshirts are now on sale. This is a pre-order! So if you need this shirt in the next 10 minutes don't order it. They will ship in two weeks as I just placed the order for them today)

Reader Email

Hey Prez.

After reading the stool version, here's the follow up. The coach's resignation and attempt to explain himself in his original email.  Classic.

From: Mike

Sent: Monday, March 23, 2009 2:30 PM
Subject: Scituate Spring Soccer - U8 Team 7

Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season.  Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email.  For the avoidance of doubt, the email was largely (albeit not completely) meant in jest and with the goal of giving the parents a chuckle while enduring yet another round of organized youth sports.  It was also meant as a satire of those who take youth sports too seriously for the wrong reasons.  My overarching goal is the well-being of my players, and I do not want any player to feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to see the team disbanded because of a lack of active players.  Therefore, while I’d prefer to go down swinging, it’s really about the kids and it just makes more sense for me to take the year off.

While I respectfully disagree with the Board's interpretation of my comments, I believe that they should be commended for their immediate actions to address the concerns of the offended parties.  The Board’s action proves that the chain of command is functioning as designed.  Board members volunteer their valuable time and I do not plan to add to their already significant workload.  I also respect those parents who were offended as I am sure they acted in the best interest of their children.  While I may question their sense of humor, I have no right to question their judgment regarding their children.  Perhaps we may even have beer (I’ll buy) and a couple of laughs at the end of all of this.

And while I am sorry some people failed to see the humor, I do not apologize for my actions; I wrote it, I think it's funny and I do have a distaste for the tediousness of overbearing political correctness.  Furthermore, I was serious about parental involvement as I do believe parents should cheer and encourage players (in a positive fashion obviously) so that the kids feel the excitement that comes from team competition.  And most importantly, I was completely serious that I want to see each young girl develop a positive self image, self-confidence and the will to succeed in any endeavor that she desires.  Lastly, I have added some comments to my initial email (in capitals) to clarify several points that may have been viewed as offensive.

Sincerely,

Michael K.

Go Green Death!

Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club!  My name is Michael K and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies.  Chris M will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular Terry M to return to the sidelines.  Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM.  There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours.  All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School.  Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required.  A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices.  There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place.  If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email).  Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct.  After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), [SLIGHT EXAGERATION  BUT SORRY COLM, THAT DISERTATION  COULD HAVE BEEN SHORTENED TO ABOUT 2 MINUTES] no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc.   We used to tape the earings, but that practice is no longer acceptable.  Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of.  My home phone is 781 XXX XXXX, my cell number is 781 XXX XXXX, and I check my email frequently[I THINK I COVERED THE SUBSTANCE OF THE COACHES MEETING SUFFICIENTLY IN THIS PARAGRAPH].  According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. [CLUE #1 THAT THIS IS MEANT IN JEST FOR THOSE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR] For the others……

OK, here’s the real deal:  Team 7 will be called Green Death.  We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes [MEANT TO BE A JOKE, BUT CLEARLY AN ISSUE NOW].  Green Death has had a long and colorful history[FACT], and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team [THIS IS A TEAM SPORT SO ALL SHOULD BE INVOLVED].  This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever [A JOKE, BUT PAST PLAYERS STILL SAY GO GREEN DEATH WHEN I SEE THEM].  We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer [FAIR BUT TOUGH – SEEMS REASONABLE].  We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice [AGAIN, NOT UNREASONABLE TO EXPECT SOME HARD WORK].  We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull [EVERYONE SHOULD PLAY AND I’M ENCOURAGING HARD WORK BY EVERYONE AND NO FAVORITISM TO SUPERSTARS – BY THE WAY, I LOVE DOGS TOO AND FOUND VICK’S MISTREATMENT OF THEM OFFENSIVE].   Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me.  Coach Mac has been designated “good guy” this year. [JOKE – BUT I THINK I HAVE DEFINTIELY MADE HIM LOOK GOOD ON A RELATIVE BASIS]

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree.  However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers [JOKE – WE ALL LIKE TO WIN.  ALSO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE OPPOSITE OF THE WINNER IS, A NON-WINNER? EVERYONE LOSES AND NEEDS TO DEAL WITH IT].  Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game.  While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup [YEP, I AGREE WE WON’T WIN THEM ALL – BUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH TRYING].  While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted[A JOKE, PERHAPS A BAD CHOICE OF WORDS, BUT AREN’T WE ALL A LITTLE TOO CONCERNED ABOUT LEGAL LIABILITY NOW?  HOW ABOUT LETTING KIDS JUST PLAY THE GAME].  The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little [STATEMENT OF FACT THERE].  Big deal, it’s good for them [GOT TO LEARN TO GET UP AFTER A FALL SOMETIME] (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding) [ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANYONE BLEED].  If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle.  The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better.  My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people[I HAVE NEVER HECKLED A REF WITH INTENT OF MALICE, SOME MAY NOT GET THE JOKE, BUT ISN’T IT GOOD FOR KIDS TO BE ABLE TO INTERACT WITH ADULTS, THEY WILL DEAL WITH THEM SOON ENOUGH].  The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines [YEP, WE SHOULD ALL TAKE OURSELVES A LITTLE LESS SERIOUSLY].  America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad” [MY HUMBLE OPINION, BUT ISN’T OBEISITY A PROBLEM IN AMERICA?].  I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world [ALL THE NEWS I READ SAYS IT IS BECOMING AN INCREASINGLY COMPETITIVE WORLD].  Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps [JOKE].  Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? [MY OPINION]  Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? [GRUESOME FACT - APOLOGIES TO THE VEGANS]  And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies.  No junk food. [JOKE, I OBVIOUSLY EXPECT YOU WILL FEED YOUR KIDS WHAT YOU WANT] Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.[JOKE – BUT I DO SAY THAT BLOOD DOPING AND HGH ARE FROWNED UPON, AND I AM NOT AWARE OF ANY TESTING IN PLACE] And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners[A RUNNING JOKE SINCE 2002 MITE LEVEL HOCKEY].

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be) I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from[JOKE, BUT I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LEAGUE DOES NOT SHARE MY VIEWS]. conventional norms [PERHAPS A SIGNIFICANT UNDERSTATMENT].  But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks[JOKE, BUT PARENTS SHOULD BE WATCHING THE GAMES, THIS IS NOT FREE BABY-SITTING.  I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something [YEP, I WANT EVERYONE INTO THE GAME TO GET THE KIDS PUMPED.  I DO NOT ADVOCATE ANYTHING NEGATIVE HERE].

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel.  My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo.  Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives.  I want these girls to be winners in the game of life.  [THIS IS MY MOST IMPORTANT POINT, MADE IN A HUMOROUS WAY, BUT I AM SERIOUS HERE; I WANT THE BEST FOR MY DAUGHTER AND ALL THE GIRLS IN THIS TOWN.  DON’T THINK THERE’S A PROBLEM?  HOW ABOUT POPULAR YOUTH IDOL CHRIS BROWN BEATING RIHANNA?   Who’s with me [CLEARLY NOT EVERYONE AND POSSIBLY NOT ANYONE]?

Go Green Death!

Let me just say that this is one of the darkest days in the history of Scituate Rec League Girls Soccer.   I mean is everybody really that uptight that they couldn’t tell this guy was joking?   We should all be so lucky to have our kids play for somebody like this.  A dude who obviously has a sense of humor, cares about kids and wants to win.   Honestly I’m tempted to go into Scituate, grope a bunch of rich MILF’s and kidnap as many little girls as I need to fill out a soccer team and hire this guy as my coach.   Fuck Scituate.  We’ll join some traveling league and run game on everybody’s ass.   Our girls will be hotter, faster and skankier then every other team in the state.   And if that doesn’t work then I’ll just sell a shitload of Green Death t-shirts.  Either way we’ll have the last laugh.

PS – I love how everybody was saying this was fake on Friday.  Listen you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool the Pres.  I don’t just stick anything up on the blog.  I ask questions, do my research, and probe the situation.   There is a reason I’m your leader and this is one of them.  I have a great Internet bullshit detector.  It’s what separates us from them.

It might be safe to say that the Black and Gold have returned to their mid-season form with the playoffs just two weeks away. With two wildly disparate games over the weekend, the Bruins tightened their stranglehold on the Wales' top spot after a 7-5 shootout win over the Leafs Saturday night and last night's Tim Thomas-led victory over the sandpapery Flyers, 4-3. The weekend sweep leaves the bears with 106 points and seven games remaining. Should the 2nd place D.C. Caps win their remaining six games, the Bruins need only go 3-4 the remainder of the way to hold the #1 seed.

Click for the rest of Rear Admiral's Blog

Let’s just for the sake of argument say that these jeans can in fact magically transform a saggy flat ass into a perfect round ass.    Should chicks be allowed to wear them?  Frankly I think this is one of the great philosophical debates of our generation.    On the one hand I obviously love looking at a perfectly shaped ass.   Some would even say it gives me the will to live.  But what happens when you hook up with a chick who is wearing Jean Ups?    What happens when you take them off and suddenly her ass slumps to the ground?  Then what?   It’s too late not to fuck her, but at the same time it’s like you’ve been sold a bill of goods.    I mean all the work and effort you put in to get to this very place was all based on a lie.  Sure you could say the same thing happens with padded bras and crap like that, but I just feel like the ass is a sacred place.  Something that shouldn’t be tampered with.   It’s like the difference between corking a bat and using steroids.  One is cute and accepted and the other is a disgrace to the game.  You got to play with the ass that God gave you.   It’s the only fair thing to do.   But I’m curious what the Stoolies think?

Vote 1 that these jeans should be illegal and 10 for whatever makes an ass look good is fine by you.

Los Angeles - American figure skating is not a disaster. Alissa Czisny fell twice in her short program at the World Figure Skating Championships, and Rachel Flatt had an appropriate performance for an inexperienced 16-year-old competing in her first worlds. And all anyone can talk about is whether Michelle Kwan or Sasha Cohen might return to figure skating with hopes of making next year's Olympic team. And this constitutes a mess? If you think so, you're looking in the wrong place. Hidden among the spills and tears of the Americans' disappointing showing Saturday at Staples Center was Evan Lysacek's world figure skating title two days earlier... Lysacek's flawless routine was buried on The Oxygen Channel on Friday.... Lysacek has a killer smile. He's charming and funny and handsome.... He could be the next Scott Hamilton, who won Olympic gold in 1984.... Lysacek has a nice rivalry with Johnny Weir, but it's not Tonya-Nancy. He didn't get attacked at the knees, but he competed with a stress fracture in his left foot and still won worlds. Imagine what's possible if he's healthy for the Olympics.

It's rare in this life that you get to see something as dramatic as we witnessed over the weekend. How often does someone competing in a major international event, in his home country with the eyes of the nation upon him, step up and perform the way Evan Lysacek did? The 1980 Miracle on Ice team comes to mind. Frans Klammer in the downhill in Innsbruck. Pele maybe. A bunch of Chinese olympians perhaps. But none of them inspired a nation the way Lysacek did. This is what the Soviets were trying to do with Ivan Drago. You just know that 15, 20 years from now some American will win Worlds or olympic gold and say "When I was a little kid I watched Evan Lysacek skate on the Oxygen network and told my mom I wanted to grow up to be just like him." To do it under the pressure of having all of America counting on him, then suck it up and skate through the pain of a stress fracture in his foot makes Evan Lysacek more than just a champion; it makes him a hero. Close down the balloting for Sportsman of the Year, we've found our man. Now cue the hundred "He's gay/ You're gay" comments, but keep in mind, this, this and this is his girlfriend.

How is it possible that I’ve never fucking heard of The Stanky Leg before?   Seriously I haven’t felt this out of touch since I found out about Doin The Heisman on Dat Ho like a year after it came out.    It’s fucking embarrassing.   And what’s even worse is that after watching like 10 Stanky Leg videos I’m not even sure I understand how it goes yet.  Do you just stick your leg out and let it be stanky?    I’m not sure, but I promise you this much.  Bitches are going to be doing the Stanky Leg at our Cover Model Party this Thursday Night like it’s going out of style.    Mark it down. And if you haven't RSVP'd yet send an email tocovermodelparty@barstoolsports.com

Reader Email

Got this email today from UMass Dartmouth. Thought it was funny. You
should see these kids running around campus with their bandannas and Nerf guns, its classic. Saw a kid the other day with two holsters with guns and
an ammo pouch that held 300 nerf darts.

Email From Umass Dartmouth

Subject - Zombies will be invading UMass Dartmouth from Sunday March 29 th till April 4th

20 Cent Fiction, the alternative theatre company on campus is hosting a game of "Humans vs. Zombies." Humans vs Zombies is a game of tag played with Nerf-Dart Launchers (yellow and green plastic launchers that dispense soft foam balls) and Socks. The players that are human wear green bandannas around their arms and are usually well equipped with nerf-Dart Launchers. The players that are zombies wear green bandannas around their head with the exception of special zombies who wear yellow around their head. Zombies will be running around to tag the humans while the humans launch Nerf-Darts at zombies. Game Administrators (referees) will be wearing purple bandannas.

While the classrooms and residence halls are strictly off-limits to all gameplay, the game is played throughout the day and night, so please do not be alarmed by the commotion that the game may cause. Players tend to gather in large groups before moving around campus. If they are in your way, simply ask them to let you through and they will be more than happy to comply. Ask for a "ceasefire" if you or your friends are worried about being caught in Nerf-Dart crossfire around doorways. Zombies may be hiding in random locations they don't mean to scare you, they just want human brains.

The University administration has approved this game as it is well-organized, helps to introduce lots of students to other students, and in no way should interfere with the academics or residential life comfort for the campus. If you run into any issues with any of the players, or the game itself, all questions, compliments, or complaints can be sent to
u_c1donovan@umassd.edu where they will be actively read and addressed by game administrators. We appreciate any and all feedback received by the community.

And here I was like an idiot thinking UConn was the New England School having the most fun this weekend.   Not even close.   Seriously shit like this makes me miss college.   I bet these Zombie killers are getting more pussy than they know what to do with.  Because from what I hear zombie sluts make puck sluts look like prudes.  I mean break out a nerf gun and you can’t help but get your dick sucked.   It’s like the date rape drug only it’s not illegal.  At least not yet.

Click for the Answer

ColumbusDispatch - As a loud, passionate crowd celebrated one of the Blue Jackets' most emphatic victories in franchise history Thursday night, some scary moments played out behind the scenes in Nationwide Arena.  Two threats to shoot the Blue Jackets' rookie goaltender, Steve Mason, and another threat to bomb the arena led to an arrest on the Northwest Side before the game ended. Peter Stenzel, 52, was charged with inducing panic and menacing, both misdemeanors, after police traced the phone calls to his apartment at 6115 O'Sweeney Lane. Stenzel was found wearing a T-shirt of the Calgary Flames, the team the Blue Jackets routed 5-0 on Thursday, when he was arrested at 8:45 p.m. He is to be arraigned in Franklin County Municipal Court this morning. "When they got to his residence, he was upset. He was a passionate hockey fan." Police say Stenzel's first call was placed at 7:45 p.m., about the time the first period ended with the Blue Jackets leading 2-0. The third and final call was placed at 8:11, which would have been early in the second period.

Now what this story doesn’t tell you is that if the NHL playoffs started today the first round matchup would be the Blue Jackets vs. the Flames.   Kind of puts a different spin on it when you look at it that way right?  I mean this wasn’t just another meaningless regular season hockey game we're talking about here.   This was about sending a message for the post season.  So sure the Blue Jackets won 5-0, but  maybe next time it won’t be as easy when they’re thinking about getting assassinated by some nut job Flames fan.    Because anybody who knows anything about playoff hockey knows that if you can plant the seed of doubt or fear into you’re opponent, you’ve all but won.    Advantage Calgary.

ESPN - Jason Taylor isn't ruling out a return to the Miami Dolphins, but the pass rusher couldn't conceal his delight over reading comments that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft would love to add him. "I did hear that. I can't lie," Taylor said Sunday night on the red carpet of an event for the Jason Taylor Foundation at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. "I have not talked to Robert Kraft. We'll leave it at that..." Kraft, speaking Tuesday at the NFL owners' meeting in Dana Point, Calif., was asked about the possibility of signing Taylor. "Great player," Kraft told Yahoo! Sports. "I'm sure that can happen if he wants it." Patriots receiver Wes Welker seconded that notion. Welker, a former teammate of Taylor's in Miami, attended Sunday's charity function. "Jason's a great player, so the more great players you can add to a team the better off you're going to be," Welker said... "I'm kind of nudging him a little bit, but at the same time he's got to do what's best for him and his family."

Ross and Rachel. Niles and Daphne. Sam and Diane. Me and Kati Cawley. Taylor and Kraft. Sometimes you see two people who are fated to be together but insist on going through this long, drawn out courtship dance until you just yell "Shut up and do it already!" Taylor has always been destined to be a Patriot. It's been obvious for years now. He's a tough, cerebral, versatile, articulate player. The perfect Patriot. While he was languishing with some of those mediocre-to-horrible Dolphins teams, he always worked, always hustled but always always saved his best games for the Patriots. Tom Brady wakes Gisele up screaming Taylor's name in his sleep. Matt Light's kids wear Taylor masks at Halloween to terrify dad. And all the time you saw Jason laboring under a conga line of buffoons and frauds like Dave Wannstadt, Nick Saban and Cam Cameron, you could see the look on his face, longing to be on the other sideline to playing football for a true football player's football coach. And the respect from Belichick is obviously mutual. I'm still not ruling out the Julius Peppers thing, just because I think the stumbling blocks like compensation and salary cap hit can always be worked out. But Jason Taylor to the Pats is just too easy and makes too much sense not to happen. For everyone involved, this thing should get done, now. It's fate.

TSG - Meet Vince Shlomi. He's probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

Most surprising part of this story is that for once, the prostitute involved is actually not half bad looking. If there's one common thread running through all "celebrity runs afoul of street hooker" stories is that the ho involved usually has one of those meth faces that makes babies cry. But Sasha Harris is kinda hot. Is she worth a thousand bucks? No, but then again I'm not making ShamWow Guy money. The least surprising part is that Shlomi was soliciting prostitutes in the first place. Sure, you're probably thinking "Why would he need to pay for sex? He's ShamWow Guy. He gave the world the towel that's also a chamois that's also a sponge and it's made in Germany where they always give us good stuff. What woman wouldn't want to get with him?" But you're missing the point. A world class babe hound like Vince Shlomi doesn't pay a hooker for sex, he pays her to go away afterward. And while I'm all against violence against women, I respect his right to straight sex for a free, without getting his tongue bitten. And if she's gonna pull that crap against the guy who taught us how to make ice cream toppings with just a slap, she shouldn't be surprised if he Slap Chops her across the room. Still, could there be a better ad than this? He damn near gets his tongue bitten off and there's not a drop of blood on his clothes? I'm not saying "Wow," I'm saying "ShamWow!" There's no word on what set Sasha off, but I'm guessing she didn't love his nuts:

I've said it once and I'll say it again. Jack Edwards is AWESOME! I honestly don't get how any Bruins fan couldn't love this guy. I mean this is probably the best call of the year. A blatant cheap shot by Lucic and Edwards gives it a diabolical laugh because the Philly fans want a penalty. Hilarious. Guy brings it every night.

PS - That was a cheap shot right?

Your Uncle Buck's Inbox has literally been flooded with requests for Katy Mixon of HBO's Eastbound and Down. Gotta give the Stoolies credit, they don't let fresh cans sit on the shelf very long before serving the to UB.

More of Miss Mixon here...

(Also here is the shot of Katy's 'goods'...Very NSFW)

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com