Random Thoughts

Introducing Anastazia from Boston.    There are two types of hot in this world.  There is just plain hot and then there is in your face hot.  Anastazia is in your face hot.   I mean just the type of chick you see walking down the street and you’re not even sure she’s real.    But I guess when you’re born with a name like Anastazia it’s kind of already written in the stars that you’re going to bring the heat huh?

Do you know any smokeshows worthy of having creepy men everywhere ogle at?Send them to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click for more of the impossibly hot Anastazia

Am I the only one who kind of feels bad for "It"? I mean I feel like I'm at the zoo or something watching a caged animal being forced to perform against it's will. Yeah I know this kid thinks he's funny but I don't think he understands that people are laughing at him not with him. Seriously where is the MSPCA when you need them?

We're deep into March, which can only mean one thing. It means we're in the throes of the biggest, most exciting, most anticipated, most talked about championship tournament in all of sports. All next weekend everyone you know will be riveted to the tourney and it's all your office will be talking about Monday morning. Of course I'm talking about the World Figure Skating Championships, which are being held in Los Angeles all this week. And since Barstool Sports has staked its claim as THE online resource for all things figure skating, there's no better place to offer a comprehensive preview of the event. If by "comprehensive" you mean "salaciously grading the hottest women of the competition like a pervert." Because say what you will about figure skating, but it has hands down the best looking female athletes of any sport. Girls who would be pin up calendar fodder if they played tennis or golf typically aren't fit to sharpen skate blades for the goddesses of the ISU.

Since legendary two-time Olympic champion and Playboy model Katarina Witt is the standard by which all toe-pick smokeshows will forever be judged, here are this year's entrants and how they grade out on the Witt Scale:

Tanith Belbin

Event: Ice Dance (with Ben Agosto)
Country: USA
Celebrity Look-alike: "Pretty Woman" era Julia Roberts
Witt Scale: 9 Katarinas Click here to see the most comprehensive preview of the World Figure Skating Championships available anywhere...

Gaston Gazzette - Aggressive prostitution apparently led to a first-degree burglary charge Thursday against a 26-year-old Lincolnton woman. Nicole Mary Scarpone of 122 Star Light Drive reportedly forced her way into an apartment on Pembroke Road, near Cox Road and I-85, and asked the three men inside to give her $10 in exchange for sex."Defendant stated that she was dropped off over there and had been there before and performed sexual acts, but stated that she was not invited over there tonight and indicated that she just showed up to make some quick money," Officer B.H. Carr wrote in his warrant affidavit. "Ms. Scarpone asked all the male subjects in the apartment if they had $10 for sex."When Scarpone knocked on the door she reportedly forced her way in and told the men that they owed her $100.

This is kind of bullshit huh?   Seriously since when is being an aggressive salesperson/hooker a crime?  I mean if everybody just sat around and waited for their phone to ring or for a car to pull up them on a street corner nobody would ever make a sale.   In this economy you got to get out there and pound the pavement.  If this lady was selling knives she’d be a hero right now.  But noooo because she’s a prostitute she is somehow labeled as aggressive in a bad way.  Listen prostitutes have to eat too you know.   So if you want to arrest this chick for being disgusting looking then be my guest.   You want to arrest her for charging 10 bucks a fuck when she is barely worth a nickel that’s cool too.   But don’t arrest her for aggressively selling her pussy.   It just goes against everything that this great country of ours stands for.   So say whatever you want about this ugly bitch, but I respect the hell out of her.  She was just following the prostitute code of ABLFD - Always Be Looking For Dick

If I ever make enough money to actually have an office and "employees" you're out of your mind if you don't think these Stools with nut holders aren't going to be the first thing I buy for the office.. Mark it down. These bitches will be the official stools of The Stool.

- Thanks to Rick for the tip

Reiss' Pieces - The NFL announced its compensatory draft picks today and the Patriots received three picks -- a third-rounder (No. 97 overall), a fifth-rounder (No. 170 overall) and a sixth-rounder (No. 207) overall. The Patriots were awarded the choices based on losing free agents Asante Samuel, Randall Gay and Donte' Stallworth following the 2007 season. Compensatory selections are picks that the NFL puts in after the standard 32 choices in each round. The Patriots' third-round pick was the highest of the 32 compensatory picks awarded by the NFL. New England now has six selections in the top 100... The Patriots now have a total of 11 picks in the seven-round draft. However, compensatory picks cannot be traded.

For the record, the NFL awards compensatory picks through an elaborate formula that includes salary, playing time, Pro Bowl appearances, awards, and whether you got screwed out of a 1st rounder as part of a ridiculous, politically-motivated witchhunt. Granted, the Pats secondary pretty much got Lance Armstronged last year and they could've used Samuel and Gay, but they obviously picked the opportune time to jettison Stallworth. Yeesh. And you have to love these picks just from a value sense, which is the Patriots drafting mantra. The Pats are heading into the draft with an arsenal of cheap, no-risk mid-round picks at a time when the entire NFL is downsizing and scaling back costs, including three 2nd-rounders. According to an item in the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

The latest NFL draft trend is to stockpile picks in the second round. Why?.. there's better value to be found in Round 2 than in Round 1. Players in Round 2 aren't that much less talented, but they come much cheaper.... the average amount of guaranteed money in the contracts of first-round players in 2008 was $11.9 million. The average guarantee in the second round was $1.9 million... So if there's a trend, you know the New England Patriots are at the forefront.

And as they point out, some of those recent 2nd rounders have yielded gold like Donnie Avery, Devin Hester, DeMeco Ryans, Maurice Jones-Drew and others, all at relatively little cost. Those Patriots 3rd, 5th & 6th rounders might not seem like much, but in this economy they're the equivalent of Microsoft opening a customer service office in Dehli; the cheap, competent workforce that will ensure the Pats keep dominating the industry.

Click Here for the Answer

Reader Email

Prez,

Saw this in Providence about 3 weeks ago, not surprised.   I walked by the car in disbelief about a block away from the Satin Doll which isn’t recommended because it’s a strip club that doesn’t allow nudity which really defeats the whole purpose of a strip club.  It’s like going into a sub shop and being handed a Titleist 4 iron or something. 

Anyway, I know this is lame but since you are a Yankees fan I thought you might find this interesting.

Jon

This was a really funny email right up until the part where you said I’m a Yankees fan.   Umm, what website have you been reading for the past 5 years?    At least the guy with the Yankees and Red Sox seat covers has an excuse since he’s mentally handicapped.    I honestly don’t know what’s worse.  You confusing me with Manzo or you thinking I’m a NY fan.    Both are very insulting.

Eonline - If you were a boy growing up in the late '80s or early '90s, odds are you had a crush on Danica McKellar. She played Winnie Cooper, the object of Fred Savage's obsession on " The Wonder Years." The nostalgia-fueled sitcom has been off the air since '93, but Ms. McKeller still has legions of fans. Today, most of them are heartbroken. Their fair Winnie is officially off the market. The maid of honor got some love as well. Danica's sister, Crystal McKellar, was in the wedding party. Crystal is best known for playing Kevin's ex-girlfriend turned archrival, Becky Slater. She memorably punched Kevin in the stomach after he broke up with her.  According to E! Online, Mr. Savage (now a director of dubious talents) didn't attend the wedding, but his TV parents, Dan Lauria and Alley Mills, were there. No word on Josh Saviano, who played Kevin's best friend, Paul Pfeiffer.

So I turned 32 this past weekend.  Yeah, I heard people whispering that I was getting old, blah, blah, blah.   I even had a text message from a 21 year old former smokeshow that said “Happy 80^th bitch.”   But it didn’t get me down.  I still felt young at heart.  I still felt like I could mix it up with college kids and fit in.  But then I read that Winnie Cooper got married and Becky Slater was the maid of honor. Now I’m depressed as shit.    Seriously this is almost as bad as when I found out that chick from Full House had like 7 babies or Hoby from Baywatch was a crack addict.    I mean I’m officially old as shit now aren’t I?    I bet at our barstool parties when I overhear all the college chicks with hot asses gossiping about the creepy old guy who tried to talk to them, they’re talking about me.   This sucks big time.    I mean Winnie Cooper really got married?    Just doesn’t seem right.  

PS – Kevin Savage can cut the shit with his Mr. Big routine.   How does he not show up at Winnie Cooper’s marriage?    Total bullshit.  

Do it Cindy! Do it! Listen, I don't know what's going on in the crotchal region here, but I don't even care. When Cindy Crawford gets nasty count me in. She could be 102 years old and I'd still buy a ticket to watch her get all lathered up just out of respect.  

PS - Before people start freaking out about me posting nudity this picture is from Allure Magazine.   And you know what they say.  If it's good enough for Allure, it's good enough for the Stool. Seriously I should start calling Barstool Sports artwork. I feel like you can get away with penetration as long as you make it artsy fartsy.

DENVER -- A 31-year-old man who worked in the library of a Denver middle school was charged with having a sexual relationship with a student. Roberto Rodriguez worked as a para professional and was a girls soccer coach at Lake Middle School, said Lynn Kimbrough with the Denver District Attorney's Office. The charges alleged that Rodriguez began having a sexual relationship with a female student last December.

Of all the times we've done this feature, I don't ever recall seeing a guy who looked less like what he is. Of course, I can see the child rapist thing. If you were casting the part of a creepy pedophile for a movie, Rodriguez would get the part without an audition. But this is what passes for a school librarian now? So much for my lifetime of Skinemax movie-inspired glasses-and-hair-up-in-a-bun-but-when-she -takes-them-off-and-lets-the-hair-down-she's-a- sex-crazed-MILF fantasies. At minimum I assumed all male librarians were nebbishy guys in sweater vests like Mr. Giles on "Buffy." Not bug-eyed loonies who should be rattling a Dunkin' Donuts cup in your face at Park St. station. I mean, how did he get the job? "Well, in my last job I organized the "Cumpilations" section at Amazing Video, that's almost like the Dewey Decimal System..." This appears to be another case where late night soft core porn television has lied to me. (Thanks to Bobby G for the link)

Not so tough anymore dude huh? Where are all the bike riding fans now? Guy falls of his bicycle and quits the race? P-U-S-S-Y......P-U-S-S-Y..........P-U-S-S-Y.....Kind of makes me embarrassed to be an American.

MMA.com - Kyle Maynard, born with his arms at his elbows and his legs at his knees, will make his MMA debut on April 25 in Auburn, Alambama.  The amateur fight will happen at "Auburn Fight Night" at the Auburn Covered Center.  The 22-year-old Maynard in 2004 won the ESPN ESPY award Best Athlete With A Disability. Maynard was previously denied a license to fight MMA by the Georgia Athletic & Entertainment Commission.

Umm, can I ask a dumb question?  Who is Kyle fighting?   Listen I’m all for dudes with disabilities making their mark in the world.   I really am.   But how can this guy be an MMA fighter?  I mean I’m not a tough guy, but I fucking guarantee you I’d beat Kyle into submission so fast it would make your head spin.  I mean how can he defend himself against kicks to the face?That’s legal in MMA right?   I’d just keep booting this dude in the grill mix until he was wearing my toes as his teeth.    Again I’m all for this guy following his dream, but there is no way he should be allowed to fight in MMA unless it’s against 4 year old girls or other dudes with no limbs.   Because once you step in that octagon you owe it to the sport to try and cripple whoever is in front of you regardless of how many limbs they may or may not have.    

Click for more of Melissa Theuriau