MARSHALL, N.C. | A 64-year-old woman has been paid $275,000 by the town to never set foot in its community center again, after she gyrated and "simulated sex acts" there in a revealing skirt (with, apparently, her undies exposed) eight years ago. The woman, Rebecca Willis, sued after town officials banned her from the community center. The town basically paid her to go away. From the St. Petersburg Times: "(Town officials) said they'd burn the place down before they let her come back," said Willis' attorney, Jon Sasser. "So we decided to see if they'd put a monetary price on the right." So this week, for $275,000, Willis has agreed to accept the ban.

Altogether now: Nobody puts Rebecca in a corner! This is brilliant. Really, Rebecca is onto something here. In tough economic times, you turn to the most recession-proof business of all. The extortion racket. "Say, this is a really nice community center you have here. It would be a shame if some old bitty would ruin it by flashing her cooch to everybody..." It's the perfect scheme. If anything, Atty. Sasser might be the worst lawyer in Tar Heel country if all he could get was a measley $275,000. I'd think any municipality would pay ten times that if it meant its citizenry would never be exposed to Rebecca's holiest of holies again.