Random Thoughts

Don't look now, but here come the Yankees! It only took them 159 games to figure it out, but the highest paid team in baseball is finally rolling. Like Manzo always says....It's truly a great day to be a Yankee!

I hope everybody who tries to make out with random broads this weekend has better luck than this guy....Enjoy the weekend everybody.

This really is a sad time for the once noble profession of Pimp. Where's the professional pride? Where's the guts? There was a time not long ago when no self respecting Pimp would ever let himself be sucker punched like this. If one did, he would've turned in his fur coat and fedora and pursued a lesser line of work, just as a matter of ethics. Where have you gone, Huggy Bear? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

(mcm21078 posted this clip on the BSS Message Board)

Reader Email

Hey,

Alright so let me start off by saying I am a chick and this article did nothing but make me want to slap this Clemmons lady. She just proved why guys hate girls, they're annoying and complain WAY to much. Honestly, what made her care so much about your outlook on women? I can picture her being that mom that goes to there kids baseball games not to watch them play but just to talk and gossip with the other mothers who I bet hates her. She sucks and the only reason why I am putting my two cents in about this article is because I think your hilarious no matter if your making fun of fat ugly chicks and how useless they are or if your talking about how nice a girls rack is. I am almost positive I would marry you right now and cook you dinner and do you laundry every single day. And I strongly believe that and I wanted to let you know that there are chicks out there who don't whine and bitch and complain like "Denice Clemmons" obviously does. Hopefully she's not married and if so I feel terrible for him, he must of knocked her up when he was young and felt like that's why he had to stick with her.

- Stephanie P.

Do you see what we're doing here at Barstool Sports Denice?  We're reeducating women on how they should treat their men.   Stephanie gets it.  I don't know why you don't?  Some would even say we deserve a Pulitzer for what we're doing over here.  Now if we had a radio show like Howard Stern does this would be the part where I'd invite Stephanie into the studio and do unspeakable things to her and then let her cook for me afterwards.    And the First Lady would just have to deal with it because it is good for ratings.

Does anyone remember all the Jon Lester-for-Johan Santana talk last winter? From the Herald last December:

[One] package of players the Twins receive... is left-hander Jon Lester and center fielder Coco Crisp, the other is headed by center field prospect Jacoby Ellsbury. The Red Sox have successfully held the line on not including Ellsbury in a package with either Lester or Clay Buchholz, their other top starter. The names, in some combo, minus one or two, include starter Justin Masterson and shortstop Jed Lowrie.

For that matter, remember all the teeth gnashing and hands that were wrung when the Sox didn't give away the store for Santana? From the Daily News in March:

It only was appropriate that Johan Santana turned in his sharpest, most efficient outing of the spring Monday against the Red Sox, who are suddenly without a bona fide No. 1 starter to open the season... It indeed was a day rife with "what-might-have-beens" as Santana's opponent was fellow lefty Jon Lester, reportedly one of the principal young pawns offered to the Twins for the two-time Cy Young Award winner earlier this winter. And none of it was lost on Red Sox GM Theo Epstein

And while the cellar dwelling troglodytes who fill up WEEI's switchboard will conveniently forget this, they were absolutely killing Theo for not pulling the trigger on a deal. After it was announced Schilling might miss the season, it reached the point of all out, Stock Market crash-level panic with nitwits everywhere screaming that Theo do whatever it takes to bring Santana to town. But instead, what did they have to show for the non-trade? Lester never missed a start and was box-to-wire the ace of the staff. Coco got significant playing time and hit .283. Masterson held the bullpen together. Lowrie stepped in to take over the starting SS job. And as for the principles in the deal?:

• Lester: 16-6, 3.21, 2008 salary of $421,500
• Santana: 15-7, 2.64, 2008 salary of $16,984,216

It's like that old saying, "Sometimes the best deal is the one you don't make." Or that other one: "Most of the time, guys who want to give away good, talented, young lefties who've proven they can win big games have their heads up their asses."

Reader Email

Richard you couldn't me more wrong about this video. If anything your friends weren't excited enough! I mean this is fucking syrup we're talking about! I want to party with you motherfuckers!!!!! Forget chugging beer bitches! Syrup is where it is at! I can't image what you guys did for an encore. Pound pixisticks or something?

PORTLAND, Tenn. - Police arrested a math teacher who allegedly had sex with a student while school was in session. Portland High School math teacher Sandra Binkley turned herself into police Thursday. She was charged with statutory rape by an authority figure for allegedly having sex with a 17-year-old student on campus during school hours. "He said she was okay, she was real nice," said Fred Rogan, quoting how his son described the teacher. "He said she was real friendly." Investigators found about the case after the teenager told his parents, who reported the incident to school administrators this week.

(Thanks to Nick W. for the heads up.)

For openers, can there be a shadow of a doubt in anyone's mind that when investigators say "parents" reported the incident, what they really meant to say was "the kid's mother." Let's be honest here. Fred Rogan is the proudest dad in America right now. Archie Manning isn't living vicariously through kids with as much unabashed joy as Fred is at this moment. The kid is a juvenile so the press can't publish his name. If Fred kept his mouth shut, they couldn't use his name either. So he does what any proud dad would do, runs to the first reporter he could find to spill his guts so everyone will know what a stud his boy is. "Yup, she was real friendly. Real, REAL friendly ifyouknowwhatImean [nudge, nudge]. That's my boy. Even hot adult women are defenseless against his charms. Real chip off the old block."

The Grades:
Looks: Our best entry in months. No wonder the kid bragged to dad. Stupid mother had to screw things up. Grade: B+.
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: Banging the kid in school, during school hours is exactly the kind of thing we're looking for. I promise you Fred Rogan's pride & joy won the "Perfect Attendance" award. Grade: A.
Intangibles: Odds that the kids in school called her "Miss Boinkley": 5:2. Grade: B-.
Overall: B+.

TMZ - Chris Kattan and Sunshine Tutt were only married for 59 days -- but that doesn't mean she isn't going home with a nice consolation prize.
Sources tell TMZ there was prenup that would've given Tutt less than 10 grand -- but a renegotiation just upped the ante to a low six-figure sum.
Tutt's lawyer, Ronald Richards, told us: "My client is very relieved that she can leave this two month marriage with some resources that will allow her to rebuild her life."

Fucking Chris Kattan.  What did he think was going to happen?  Dude you’re a midget.  Just stick with high priced hookers and save the embarrassment and drama of getting married and divorced in the span of a week.   Plus with hookers you get to fuck a new piece of pussy everyday.    Although on the flip side he did probably get to go raw dog for a couple weeks which is always nice.  It actually brings up an interesting philosophical question.   Would you rather fuck the same chick for a month without a condom or different hookers every night, but need to wear protection.     I think we need to put this one to a vote.   And assume it’s going to cost the same and the chicks will be equally good looking.

Vote 1 for raw dog and 10 for hookers with condoms. Can you tell it's Friday?

PS - All sorts of bells and whistles must go off when a chick says she wants to renegotiate her prenup. That's like an owner giving a coach a public vote of confidence. Not a good sign.

In the four years of doing Barstool Sports I think I got the weirdest email I’ve ever received yesterday.  And once again it was from our good friend Denice Clemmons.  As a reminder Denice first emailed us two weeks ago and we had the following exchange;

Reader Email (September 18^th)

Can I ask you a question? A serious question without any hint of sarcasm? OK here goes.

Why do you hate women? You'll probably tell me you don't hate women, but it sure seems like you hate women, or at least don't respect them. Your publication/blog is full of so much misogynistic drivel it really makes me wonder what happened in your life. Did your mom not pay enough attention to you as a child? Did a pretty girl shoot you down when you asked her to the prom? Do you secretly wish you were a woman and this is all just an exercise in self-loathing? What gives? Why all the venom towards women? Seriously. Just between you and me. I won't tell anyone.

Denice Clemmons

Wait a minute.  Is Dennice Clemmons like code for Debby Clemmons? Listen don’t get mad at me honey just because you got busted using steroids.    I didn’t put the needle in your ass.   You should have hit the gym like everybody else for that SI photo shoot.   Anyway to answer your question I don’t hate women.  I love women.  Just not the fat and ugly ones.   Or the ones who talk too much and don’t put out.   But other than that I love chicks.   How else would I eat and get my laundry done?  Seriously I don’t think I have any venom at all.   Sure I crack a couple jokes here and there but that’s what I do.  I’m a joke maker.  

Now I have a question for you.  Why do you bother reading the Stool if you hate it so much?   I mean you obviously must read it right?  How else could you know it’s filled with so much misogynistic drivel? You know what I think?   I think you love the writing and sneaky love me but just hate the fact that we put hot girls on our cover because you’re fat and gross and it makes you hate yourself.  Is that it?Don’t worry it’s just between you and me and the blog.

Well after that exchange I kind of thought that would be the last we’d hear from her, but boy was I was wrong.  Because today she sent me the following email;   (And yes I think I’m supposed to be Brad)

Reader Email

Dear Brad,

Jason Mraz's rendition of Elton John's "Rocket Man" is heartbreakingly poignant. I think your Barstool readers would enjoy it.

Denice Clemmons

I’ve read, reread and read this email again and I still can’t make heads or tails of it.  I’ve watched the Jason Mraz you tube like 50 times looking for secret messages and still haven’t found anything.   It simply makes no sense to me on any level.    This lady must be flat out insane right? Seriously how do you go from saying I hate women so much to sending me Jason Mraz mixtapes? It just makes no sense. If anybody can figure out why she sent this to me and what it is supposed to mean I’ll send you a free Barstool hat.  

(No more tree for you bitch!)

SHREWSBURY, Mass. -- Two elderly women who tied themselves to a crab apple tree to protest its removal say they're being evicted from their senior housing complex. Lee Perrone, 74, and Pat Henry, 65, were protesting the Shrewsbury Housing Authority's decision to cut down the tree to make way for a trash bin. The women say the housing authority is now retaliating against them.  Henry said she spent seven consecutive days -- about 10 hours a day -- tied to the tree.  "It's a beautiful tree. It blooms. It's a beautiful sight we can see from our porches," she said.  Henry, Perrone and Ethel Casey, 85, last week tied themselves together with rope strung through patio chairs and around the tree, taking breaks for trips to the bathroom and meals.  Henry said the eviction notice she received Tuesday says she has 30 days to leave her apartment at Francis Gardens for "obstructing members of the Shrewsbury Housing Authority from carrying out their duties." Casey said she did not receive an eviction notice because she sat with the other women after the tree removal company left.

Holy shit the town of Shrewsbury doesn’t fuck around huh?    I mean who evicts a couple of old bags for trying to save a crab apple tree?    Listen we’re not talking about a bunch of hippies who want to save every tree ever planted in the history of the world.  This is Ethel, Lee and Pat who have nothing better to do with their life than sit on the porch and watch the tree blossom.     Seriously have fun in hell guys.  I hope everybody in the Shrewsbury housing department gets fired and whoever plays Shrewsbury opening night in football beats them by 50.  

MontanaKaiman -A University of Montana student remains hospitalized after he was repeatedly stabbed over a game of beer pong last weekend.  Collan J. Sheppard, 23, has been charged with felony assault with a weapon and is being held on $50,000 bail. Sheppard, who is from East Glacier, stabbed Jerry Brady Stewart in the abdomen and the arm, puncturing an artery after the alleged disagreement, according to court records.   UM sophomore Brenna Gibson − a member of the household − said Sheppard became angry with her over a “house rule” − a rule observed by some who play the game that depends on the household in which the game occurs.  “Because Collan had been being aggressive with me, Brady (Jerry Stewart) stepped in and told him to calm down because it was just a drinking game,” Gibson said.  The rule prompting the night’s incident stemmed from a “bounce back” rule, where, if played on a ping-pong table with an upright net, the opponent can shoot the ball again if they catch it after one bounce on his or her side of the table. If convicted, Sheppard could face up to 20 years in prison.

Well I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming.   This was like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and it is exactly the reason why I’ve been pushing for the Government to set up a National Beirut Rules Committee for the past decade.   Because as long as there are people playing by different house rules there are going to be fights, stabbings, beatings, rapes etc.  I mean take this story for example.  I’ve never seen Beirut played with a net before, never mind being able to catch your own shot.   So I’d be pissed too if I was victimized by this rule.  Now I wouldn’t stab anybody over it, but I may roofie a chick or take a dump and not flush.    Bottom-line is that the easiest way to avoid all this confusion is just to standardize all this shit.  Same goes for fantasy football scoring as well.   Seriously forget the fucking economy already and let’s concentrate on the stuff that matters.

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(Send all wakeup nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com)