Random Thoughts

Introducing Jessica from Worcester. Oh my god. This girl is freaking bringing it! There is hot and then there is uber hot. This girl is uber hot. If you don't think she is a dead ringer for my type than you haven't been paying attention. Congrats to Jessica as she has just won two VIP tickets to our 1st annual Barstool Smokeshow Blueball. (VIP tickets are for girls who have been featured as a smokeshows of the day and it includes open bar. If you're a smokeshow and we've lost touch with you send us an email for your VIP tix) And even though this event is a blue ball I may demand Jessica wears that white dress although truth be told she is smoking in everything.

Do you know any smokeshows? Nominate them so they can get their 2 VIP tickets. Maybe they'll even take you? Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

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The last I checked, a baseball field is something like 400 feet long and 300 feet wide. How the hell do you miss that big a target? I mean who's parachuting this thing, Tavaris Jackson?

"Ohh shoot. Ohhh..."

-Saw this on deadspin

Reader Email

Regarding the guy who fell asleep at work and drank 9 beers in 6 minutes that companies loss was my gain!!! This guy came into my office interviewing for a sales job…And some how during the interview the topic of impressions came up, he said he could do a few..So of course I asked which ones he could do and when he said Chris Farley. I stopped the interview right there and said quite bluntly if you nail a Farley impersonation right now in front of my whole office you can start tomorrow morning... He has been working for me ever since. And here is the video to prove it. By the way my whole office are giant fans of the stool.. Including my owner who called me on the road to tell me about this article.

Newman

(real picture again)

I fucking love this guy! I may hire this guy to host the Barstool Smokeshow Blue Ball. I'm not even kidding.

Okay I owe DeSean Jackson an apology. Because after watching DeSean on MNF, I said that he had pulled a stunt like this before while he was at Cal and it took a special type of moron to fuck this up twice. But as this video clearly shows the swan dive thing not only was it in high school, but it was during an all star game. That doesn't count for shit. Sorry DeSean. I owe you one. I'll send him a free shirt or something to make up for it.

- Props to Mad game

Fucking beautiful!

- Thanks to rick for the video

Reader Email

This kid worked here for 2 months....He falls asleep at his desk everyday around 9:30 am. When he first started he said he could drink 6 beers in 9 min. So we put up $80...Well he did it with time left on the clock.

I fucking love this guy!   He can work for me any day.   They don’t teach you this shit at business school.   I mean this is how you announce your presence with authority at a new job.   You fucking show up and just start dropping haymakers on people.   6 beers in 9 minutes?  Bring it!   And yes I’ll fall asleep on your ass, same time, same place every fucking day.   It’s like the Green Bay Packers Power Sweep.  I dare you to stop it.    Sometimes I miss cube life.     Seriously this guy is an instant classic.

Inside Track - It’s Dane Cook Day in Boston.   The Arlington comic is back in the ’hood to be feted and fawned over by radio hosts as well as the Boston City Council, which this morning will honor the local funnyman by proclaiming it Dane Day in the Hub.  “Let’s see, ‘Dane Cook Day’ in Boston,” mulled Boston Common’s cover-comic last night at the maggie’s big bash to celebrate the fall issue. “It would be a day off, people would be given bags of gold and . . . a gift certificate to Legal Sea Foods. And I’d throw a party on the Boston Common where people could come dressed as their favorite biblical character.”

Let me start by saying I haven’t watched more than 5 minutes of Dane Cook doing stand up in my life.   It’s nothing personal.   I just don’t think stand up comedians are that funny usually.   (Sorry Jerry it’s true.)    You have to be Chris Rock good to make me laugh and I’m pretty sure Dane Cook doesn’t belong on the same field as somebody like him.    So having said that I’m having a hard time believing that he is worthy of having a day named after him either.   I mean you can’t just give that shit out to anybody who walks down the street.  Listen if Dane Cook gets a day than every player on the Patriots, Red Sox and Celtics should get a day too.   The guy who sells fruit outside South Station should get a day.   John Hoffman should get a day. (Bonuse points to umm, people who know who umm, John Hoffman is) I want a day.   Do you see the can of worms it opens when you just start giving out days to F list celebrities like they grow on trees?    That’s why I am officially refusing to acknowledge that today is Dane Cook day in Boston.  You need to be a much brighter star in my book before you get an honor like this.

NY Times: To Derek Jeter, the night sky seems a little darker and the floodlights seem a little brighter at Yankee Stadium. As he described it, “It’s like playing on a stage.” During Tuesday night’s show, the curtain was barely up when Jeter took his standing ovation. With one crisp swing on the first pitch of his first at-bat, Jeter dispatched one of the last remaining nuggets of competitive intrigue in a Yankees season that has turned dismal. He slapped a ground ball under Juan Uribe’s glove and into left field to break Lou Gehrig’s 71-year-old record for most hits at the Stadium.

I'm a numbers guy. And I love baseball history and all that. But this is just simply embarassing. There's no other word for it. This constitutes a record now? This is a milestone? Not most hits all time or most by a Yankee or most by a shorstop or something, but most hits in Yankee Stadium? Since when does this warrant stopping a game and giving a guy a standing O? Did Bud Selig show up with Lou Gehrig's great-granddaughter to hand him a plague too? And don't accuse me of making too much out of this. SportsCenter's been counting this down for days, showing every one of Jeter's at bats the other day as he went 0-5 like he was going after No. 3000 or something. Who pays attention to "records" in a particular stadium anyway? Quick, who has the most receiving yards ever in Soldier Field? Who has the most HRs in Dodger Stadium? Who has the most assists in Maple Leaf Gardens? It's ridiculous. And I guess this just shows how far the Yankees have really sunk; much lower than I'd imgined. It's so bad in the Bronx right now they'll fellate Jeter over some asterisk-worthy, minor statistical "achievement" just to have something... anything... to celebrate. Like I said, embarassing. It's almost to make me feel sorry for them. Almost.

I know you love it! So click to order before they sell out! And don't worry. You'll get it in 7-10 business days bitches!

Telegraph.com - Mickey Mouse: Enemy of Islam? He may have survived the battle with the brooms in “Fantasia,” but now Mickey Mouse has to contend with Islam. Calling the loveable Disney rodent “one of Satan’s soldiers,” Sheikh Muhammad Munajid said household mice and their animated counterparts must be rubbed out, the U.K.’s Daily Telegraph reported Monday. "Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases."  And Mickey wasn’t alone. Munajid also mentioned Jerry from “Tom and Jerry” fame is on his list of “impure” cartoon mice.

Man those Islamic Extremists really are fucking nuts huh? Who knew? I mean how do you go from saying Mickey Mouse is an awesome character one second to saying he is one of Satan’s soldiers the next second?   Make up your mind Sheik.  You can’t have your cake and eat it to.   Regardless it’s been a real bad week for Disney.  First Megan Fox said “Fuck Disney” and now the Muslim Extremists put a hit out on Mickey Mouse.  Enough is enough.  Listen it’s one thing to go around threatening to kill Americans, but once you drag Mickey Mouse and Jerry into the mix all bets are off.    Here comes America bitches!

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(This is not the Nigerian from the Story)

ABUJA, Nigeria - Police in northern Nigeria have arrested a Muslim preacher who claims 86 wives and 107 children, charging him with breaking Islamic laws governing marriage.  It was unclear when the man would appear before the court, or what the potential punishment could be. Muslim principles forbid men to take more than four wives. Masaba says God enables him to maintain such a large family."A man with 10 wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them," he has been quoted as saying in Nigeria's local media.

86 wives huh?  I wonder if this guy is straight up with the chicks when he’s hitting on them at the bar?    Or do you think he says he’s like a ballplayer or something? Because you got to have pretty low self esteem to marry a dude who already has 80 wives and 100 kids right?  Regardless this guy must be doing something right with the ladies.   Allah must have given him a velvet touch and a giant cock or something.

PS - I like how they only arrested this guy now. It's like the police drew an imaginary line in the sand at 85 wives.

This is one of those face plants that is so bad you can't even think of laughing right away if you're lucky enough to be there. I mean this lady had to break her face right? In fact I had to watch it a few times just to make sure it was real because she makes absolutely no effort to break her fall. I think I would have paid 100 grand to have seen this live. I mean you can't buy these type of memories.

We lose Brady. We get Heather Mitts. It all works out in the end.

Click Here for More of the Boston Breakers Heather Mitts.