Random Thoughts

From TMZ: A woman has blown the whistle on ballers who park their whips in handicapped spaces in front of a N.J. restaurant. Maryann Cottrell -- whose daughter is severely disabled -- is suing the Landmark Americana Tap and Grill for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act. She says the joint lets perfectly healthy people -- like Donovan McNabb and Jeremiah Trotter -- park in those spots for no good reason. McNabb was fined by a judge back in 2006 for parking in the Landmark's handicapped spots.

So let me get this straight. The same Donovan McNabb who impugned the integrity of the team that beat him in the Super Bowl, questioned the validity of their championship and wondered publicly if he didn't deserve a ring just like theirs, likes to take handicapped parking spots away from crippled children? So while he's in the store, casually filling a shopping cart with Chunky Soup for his mom or getting drunk at the Americana Tap and Grill, kids in wheelchairs are forced to haul themselves across lava field-like asphalt parking lots at risk of life and limb. How dare he? The NFL should take his runner up ring away from him.

So I suppose any minute now we can expect Arlen Specter to step before the microphones and decry the Eagles' inexcusable behavior. After all, he's all about "fairness." And what's less fair and than taking parking spaces away from handicapped kids to save yourself a few steps? Doesn't Sen. Specter realize that Rodney Harrison actually goes to Stop & Shop on his days off and saves spaces for those in need? Or that Richard Seymour volunteers to carry wheelchair bound people across the mall parking lot? Or that Tom Brady lays his hands on parapalegics so that they may walk again? Because it's true.

Who does McNabb think he is? Julia Roberts? Britney Spears? Amanda Bynes? The inner circles of Dante's Hell are reserved for people who put their own laziness ahead of disabled children and Satan has a space reserved for Donovan McNabb right next to the door.

Introducing Samantha from Umass. We officially now have a mole at UMass! It's about fucking time! Anyway Samantha has two of may favorite pictures in the history of Smokeshow of the Day. The first one is the daisy dukes shot because I'm a firm believer that daisy dukes are the absolute sexiest thing any chick can wear. Hint to girls trying to hook up with me at parties. Wear daisy dukes and I'll get the message. And the second photo is a kind of a no brainer that you can't miss...

We need more moles at different colleges. Do your part and help the Stool. If you know hot girls at your school send them our way. randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click Here For More of Samantha

Palmbeachpost.com - New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick may want to keep a discreet eye on his credit card bills. His galpal, Tequesta mom Linda Holliday, recently settled a lawsuit in a Palm Beach County court in which she was accused of using an ex-boyfriend’s credit card — and failing to make good on her promise to pay the guy back. The ex, Jupiter property management company owner Bill Mayfield, said he couldn’t comment because the March settlement includes a confidentiality agreement.“All I can say is that I never sued anyone in my entire life before this,” he said. According to court documents, the 45-year-old Holliday racked up $26,314 worth of charges on Mayfield’s credit card between October 2006 and February 2007. About $18,704 remained unpaid by late 2007, according to court documents, sparking the lawsuit. Mayfield, meanwhile, has been telling friends (including one who talked at length to Page 2.1 about Mayfield’s relationship with Holliday) how he found out that his then-girlfriend had spent time with Belichick. Holliday and the Patriots’ top dog met at the Palm Beach Gardens nightspot Noche while on a “girls night out” in February 2007. Mayfield cut her off the following morning — after he signed for a flower delivery from Belichick. The note read: “Thanks for the wonderful evening. Bill.”Belichick said he didn’t want to discuss his galpal’s lawsuit. “You need an interview about this?” the grumpy football Yoda said when reached at home in Weston, Mass. “Any interview request needs to go through the Patriots.”

First of all who the fuck does the Palm Beach Post think they are calling Bill Belichick at his home?  They don’t have the fucking right to do that!  The guy has won 3 superbowls!   Show him some god damn respect!   I think he’s earned it.   Now as far this story goes it’s pretty obvious what happened here.   Bill Mayfield never expected Linda Holliday to pay back the credit card debt.  But he just can’t accept the fact that his trophy girlfriend dumped his ass 10 seconds after she met Belichick.   So now he is whining like a little girl and suing her ass.  It’s kind of like how the Colts complain about the rules every time we beat them.    Luckily for Linda, I’m sure Bill Belichick will ride in on his white horse and save the day like he always does by paying this outrageous settlement.   It’s just sad that Bill Mayfield can’t admit that he got beat by the better man.  Listen I wouldn’t be mad at the First Lady if she told me she was leaving me for Tom Brady.  Sometimes you just got to tip your cap to the other guy.  Everybody knows you can’t compete with the greatest coach of all time for chicks so deal with it and pay your bills like a man.

(Photo from Penn Station NYC)

Listen, I'm not saying that Dunkin Donuts can't have stores in New York or any other place for that matter. They want to make money just like everybody else. BUT the second you hire Joba Chamberlain as your spokesman you officially forfeit the right to call yourself a local company and act like you care about Boston. So spare me the "every time the Red Sox win you win bullshit." Because apparently when the Yankees win I win too. Bottom line is that there are plenty of ways to advertise coffee in NYC without needing the Yankees or any NY sports team to do it. Mary Lou's just gained major points in my book. And if I wasn't so lazy I'd be writing a letter to Dunkin Donuts right now.

It's not the sex tape, but this will have to do for now. Thanks to Chad for the photos! I was beginning to wonder whether the Julie Donaldson champagne shower even existed because I've been looking for it for so long. I've been to every city in Mexico. Found one of her passports to Sumatra, I missed her by about a week at Fiji. But now we're finally making progress. And sure it may be in bad taste to post these pictures considering what is going on with her, but you can't pick and choose when a Great While Whale decides to come up for air.

PS - I would have loved to be a fly on the wall at this after party.

MADISON, Wis. - Wisconsin law bans sex with dead bodies, the state Supreme Court ruled Wednesday in reinstating charges against three men accused of digging up a corpse to have sex with it. The court waded into the grisly case after lower court judges ruled nothing in state law banned necrophilia. Not anymore, the court ruled in a 5-2 decision. Justice Patience Roggensack, writing a majority opinion with three other justices, said state law bans sexual intercourse with anyone who does not give consent whether a victim is dead or alive at the time. Dead bodies obviously can't give consent, she said. The decision brings Wisconsin's law in line with more than 20 other states who prohibit necrophilia or the abuse of a corpse...

The ruling reinstates attempted sexual assault charges against twin brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke and Dustin Radke, all 22. They face up to 10 years in prison if convicted. Armed with shovels, a crowbar and a box of condoms, the men went to a cemetery in Cassville in southwestern Wisconsin in 2006 to remove the body of a 20-year-old woman killed the week before in a motorcycle crash, police said.

See? The American system of government works. Take that, Europe! Sure, its easy to make fun of a judicial system that produced the OJ trial or multi-million dollar civil awards for hot coffee turning out to be hot. But in Wisconsin at least, they've got judges who know that corpses can't give their consent to sex. (Save for the use of a Ouija board, I suppose.) So at last you can bury granny in the Wisconsin Dells, downtown Milwaukee or in the shadow of Lambeau Field, safe in the knowledge that she can't be dug up and sodomized, just like in 40% of the other states. God bless America's Dairyland for their visionary thinking on this issue.

This gets my vote for THE single most disturbing item in the history of the Stool. Honestly, halfway through reading this article I had to check the URL to make sure it wasn't something from The Onion. Two justices dissented? What was their argument? That sex between a person and a former person is a constitutional right? And how about the Chief Justice is named Patience Roggensack? Or that the Grunke twins and Radke brought condoms along, which was smart because the last thing any necrophiliac needs is to get a dead girl pregnant. Because then you'll be paying child support for eternity.

Jerry's Final Thought: Does this mean you can get arrested for banging Amy Winehouse?

Vs.

Hmm this is a tough one. If this was old school Janet Gretzky we were talking about than it is a no brainer. Don't get me wrong, she's still a total MILF, but there is some tread on that tire. Also there are two schools of thought on how she would perform in bed. One is that she'd suck because she's probably only slept with like 2 guys in her life. The other hypothesis is that she would be a total freak since she's probably been fantasizing about banging another dude for the past million years. That's just natural for married couples. Not to mention the fact she clearly has a wild side as evidenced by the fact she ran a gambling ring. Still despite all this I'm going with Paulina. You just can't argue with that body. 

Vote 1 for Wayne and 10 for Paulina 

Old School Janet Jones Gretzky 

(still maybe the cockiest/best photo of all time)

Okay some veteran Stoolies may remember that almost a year and a half ago I posted some emails from a wack job who wanted to pay me $250.00 an hour to sit in a room with him so he could convince me that I was the devil and my exploitation of women was going to land me in the bowels of hell.   In an attempt to save my soul he wanted to help me figure out some “non objectifying ways to increase circulation and readership”   Obviously I didn’t meet with him because I thought it was 50/50 I would make it out of there alive.  Well this guy is back and he has turned up the creep factor about 150 degrees.   Here are the emails starting with the one from January 5th 2007.

Reader Email

Email #1

From: Guy Who Makes Me Nervous

Fri, 5 Jan 2007

Sorry to not reply for so long -- I've been busy and was out of town for a while. Well it wouldn't be a party I'd hire you for, exactly - it would just be me and you together alone in a room. Talking. I'd like to have a good long discussion with you about your publication and the values you represent.  I've been a loyal reader of your magazine since the VERY FIRST ISSUE, and have noticed a significant trend toward degeneracy that is getting worse over time. You often seem to promote casual sexual encounters and the enjoyment of women's bodies for immoral purposes. Look, I understand sex sells but you are destroying our moral values. You're like a schoolyard crack dealer, destroying lives for short-term personal gain. The thing is, I'm sure you hear this sort of thing all the time and it just goes in one ear and out the other. I figure if I were paying you $250 an hour you'd have to at least listen to me and hear me out, even if you didn'ttake anything I said to heart or change anything about your magazine. I'd  just like to have a discussion -- maybe we could even use some of the time to brainstorm a bit and try to come up with some non-objectifying ways increase circulation and readership. I think a one or two hour conversation would be all I could afford right now, though.

From: El Pres

Fri, 5 Jan 2007

Trust me when I say you'd be wasting your time and money.

YESTERDAY

Email #1

From: Guy Who Makes Me Nervous
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2008 6:13pm

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE CONTINUED TO READ YOUR PUBLICATION AND YOU HAVE NOT YET TAKEN TO HEART MY ADMONITIONS.  I HAVE GIVEN YOU AMPLE OPPORTUNITY TO REDEEM YOURSELF BUT YOU CONTINUE TO CORRUPT THE SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF OUR NATION WITH YOUR PERVERSIONS AND YOUR SMUT.  NOW HEAR THIS.  THE TIME HAS COME.  YOU LEAVE ME LITTLE CHOICE.  A RIGHTEOUS FURY HAS BEEN AROUSED IN MY LOINS, LIKE THE PROPHET ZEPHANIAH. 

Please see Proverbs 6:25-26.  "Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the whore reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the temptress preys upon your very life."
 

 

Email#2

From: Guy Who Makes Me Nervous
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2008 6:43pm

I WANT TO ADD SOMETHING: THIS EMAIL IS NOT A THREAT.  I DO NOT WANT IT MISINTERPRETED.  I AM A PROPONENT OF NONVIOLENCE.  BUT I WILL BE SPEAKING OUT AGAINST YOUR PUBLICATION FROM THIS DAY FORWARD.  AND I WILL NOT LONGER BE A READER.  I AM CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR EFFECTS ON OUR NATION'S YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN.  I TRIED TO BE NICE BEFORE BUT YOU REBUFFED ME.  AND YOU HAVE SHOWN NO SIGN OF REPENTANCE.  THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY AND I INTEND TO EXERCISE MY FREEDOM NOT TO READ YOUR PUBLICATION ANYMORE.  I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE AN AMBITIOUS YOUNG MAN AND IT CAN BE DIFFICULT TO TURN DOWN FAME AND FORTURE, BUT YOU MUST CARE FOR YOUR SOUL.  LOOK AT HUGH HEFNER--DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE HIM????  HE IS SO SAD.  AND YET HIS IS THE FATE OF ALL SMUT PEDDLERS.  I URGE YOU TO TURN AWAY FROM THIS PATH WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
 
I WILL NOT BE CONTACTING YOU AGAIN.  "HEAR ME, MY CHIEFS.  I AM TIRED.  MY HEART IS SICK AND SAD.  FROM WHERE THE SUN NOW STANDS, I WILL FIGHT NO MORE FOREVER."  -CHIEF JOSEPH 

Email #3

From: Guy Who Makes Me Nervous
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2008 6:54pm

Please see Proverbs 6:25-26.  "Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the whore reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the temptress preys upon your very life."
 

Thank God he cleared up the fact that he wasn’t threatening me in that first email.   Because the part about the righteous fury in his loins had me worried there for a minute.   I also kind of liked how he said he wouldn’t be contacting me again and managed to keep that promise for a whopping 11 minutes.    Way to hold out crazy guy!   Anyway now the question has moved from should I meet with this guy to should I get a restraining order against him?   Because I’m not going to lie.  I may look all big and strong and huge on the outside, but anytime you start quoting bible passages I start shitting my pants.    

Time for the Stoolies to vote. Should I be nervous?

Vote 1 for yes and 10 for no 

Click Here For the Answer

VS.

From the Big Lead...

Jenn Sterger, the busty co-ed made famous by Brent Musburger 3 years ago and whose improbable rise to … whatever you want to call it … has included a stint at SI.com and a pictorial in Playboy (NSFW), made some surprisingly catty remarks about ESPN’s Erin Andrews last week on ESPN 1470 in Tampa...

“She’s very talented. But it’s so funny because if you look at her old tapes back when she worked at the Lightning, it was the most dreadful stuff you’ve ever seen in your life. People compare me and say, well, she’s no Erin Andrews … and I’m like, well, who’s No. 1 on the computer. Suck it.”

First of all youporn is #1 on the computer. Let's get that straight honey. #2., as much as people are going to rip her, Jenn Sterger really is the epitome of the American dream. Girl with big fake tits goes to college football game, gets discovered by Brent Musburger, becomes famous online, poses for Playboy and writes for Sports Illustrated.   Similar to how Jackie MacMullen started her career.  Andrews, on the other hand, did it the old-fashioned way by being a Gator Girl, getting a job with an NHL expansion team and working her way to the top.  I mean both are great at what they do (not sure what Sterger does), they just had different approaches. Anyway, time to decide who you’d rather spend your last night on Earth whacking off to.  Vote 1 for Sterger, Vote 10 for Andrews. 

Also, classic jab by Sterger to start her rant there… “She’s very talented”.   

Click here for more Andrews

Click here for more Sterger

Freep.com - Flint residents now have to watch their butts because Police Chief David Dicks is on the lookout.  Dicks, who took over the department last month on an interim basis, announced that his officers would start arresting people wearing saggy pants that expose skivvies, boxer shorts or bare bottoms. "Some people call it a fad," Dicks told the Free Press this week while patrolling the streets of Flint. "But I believe it's a national nuisance. It is indecent and thus it is indecent exposure, which has been on the books for years." On June 27, the chief issued a departmental memorandum telling officers: "This immoral self expression goes beyond freedom of expression." The crime, he says, is disorderly conduct or indecent exposure, both misdemeanors punishable by 93 days to a year in jail and/or fines up to $500.

“Flint residents now have to watch their butts because Police Chief Dicks is on the lookout?”  

What am I on candid camera or something?    I mean come on!  This sounds like the opening line to a porno or something.   Once again God has outdone himself.   Regardless I’m totally lost on how wearing saggy pants can be deemed against the law?    I guarantee you Sweet Mo Pete and Mateen Cleaves didn’t sign off on this shit.    I mean as long your dick and asshole isn’t showing you should be able to wear whatever the fuck you want.  But if Chief Dicks wants to start arresting people for ugly fashion statements he should start with big sunglasses and Capri pants.    Because both of these things have been making hot girls look ugly since 2004 and that is the definition of true crime.

Boston.com -   Ivan Lattimore's court-appointed attorney, Jessica Thrall, was combative with Donaldson yesterday, questioning whether the former Miss Florida USA could accurately recall the alleged assault or identify the people she was with afterward. Thrall pointed out that Donaldson and Lattimore started drinking early on June 27 and continued into the next morning. Thrall sought to portray Donaldson and Lattimore as hard partiers who videotaped themselves having sex just hours before the alleged assault. "[Donaldson] is not in danger, and she knows she is not in danger," Thrall said.  The judge did not agree. He said no bail conditions could ensure Donaldson's safety. But he also warned Suffolk Country Assistant District Attorney Patrick Devlin to be prepared to go to trial Sept. 8 and turn over all evidence requested by the defense, including the videotape Donaldson and Lattimore filmed during sex.

 

Wait a minute!   There is a Julie Donaldson sex tape?   Umm, check please. Listen, I’ve been looking for the youtube of her getting sprayed down with champagne after the Mets won the NL East for like 2 years now.  It’s my personal Moby Dick if you will.   But that is child’s play compared to this.   Listen if there is one thing I’ve learned about the Stoolies over the years is that you can never underestimate them.  For all we know the DA is a Stoolie.    So I’m sending out our first ever Code Red to Stoolies everywhere.  Get me this sex tape!     I’ll even pay for it.   Not because I want to make money off of it, but just because I want to watch it.   Maybe I’ll offer the slamballer 50 bucks for it since he’s going to be hard up for cash now.  In any event I guess this just proves the old adage that there is a silver lining in every dark cloud.     This tape has to make it to the public right?  Come on Red Tube!

PS - You know that Ivan Lattimore's lawyer thinks this is Law and Order or something. Relax honey. You're defending a woman beater. Worse yet a hot woman beater.

More Cheryl here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com (now excepting your emails...)