Random Thoughts

Have a great 4th everybody! Unfortunately it looks like the First Lady and I will be staying in this year.....

I've seen a lot fights in my day and the ending to this one from Saturday night in Las Vegas between Humberto Soto and Francisco Lorenzo is about the strangest and most confusing I've ever seen. Granted the commentary is all in Spanish so that might have something to do with it but still, what the fuck is going on? Was it fixed? Is Lorenzo going for the Oscar? Anyway if you have 10 minutes today in between doing nothing, you need to see what happens here. As somebody said after they turned the lights off during UNLV/Wisconsin back in 2002.... "only in Vegas."

PS - Imagine the wonderful arrogance of Lorenzo to raise his hands in victory and seemingly brag to the cameras after the win? Once again, only in Vegas.

I'm heading to the Cape this afternoon to meet my Lovely Trophy Wife and the Heirs to My Dominion at the Country Club my in-laws belong to for their annual fireworks cookout and I have a moral dilemma I need help with.

For starters, this is not the easiest night for me. You can't swing a dead cat at this place without hitting a bazillionaire and I basically spend the evening hoping no one will ask me what I do for a living because there's no way to explain to these people I tell jokes in barrooms and write for a sportsmut web site. So I drink as much as possible to get through it.

The problem is, at these private snobatoriums, no money changes hands. If you want a beer, you have to charge it to the member you're a guest of. Sure I could drink up a storm and pay nothing, but I don't want my judgmental, haughty, emotionally-constipated mother-in-law to get stuck with a tab for my two dozen Harpoons at $8 a pop. It's not worth it.

Last year at this thing, I bumped into my cousin who's a member and a self-made multimillionaire. He's older than me and he and my older brothers grew up together in Dorchester. He asked me what's new with the family and I was telling him about how my brother just had a brain tumor removed. And ten seconds after I told him this, he completely tuned me out. He put on the 1000 yard stare and was looking around the grounds of the club, ignoring me. While I was telling him about my brother, his cousin, his boyhood pal, having brain surgery. So I said goodbye to him and his entourage, went to the bar and ordered a beer, a JD and a zinfandel for my Irish Rose. So the bartender says "And the name on the account?" and I said, "Charge it to [my cousin's name]" and proceeded to get bleepfaced on his nickel all night long.

I have to feel like I was on the side of the angels in this case. Was I? And more to the point, should I be mad enough to do it again tonight? Would it make a difference if I told you this same cousin once plagarized my entire wedding toast and delivered it verbatim at his brother's wedding a week later? Vote "1" for don't mooch and "10" for stick it to the man.

America does have talent! I wonder if Busty Heart is her real name? If you want to see more of Busty wrecking shit with her boobs click here.

Well it just seems like everything is coming together this weekend for the Yankees to sweep the Red Sox in the Bronx.   It’s almost too obvious.  You had their Hank Steinbrenner inspired 18-7 win last night vs. Texas combined with the Red Sox blowing another lead and getting swept in Tampa. On Friday you have the 25th anniversary of the Dave Righetti 4th of July no-hitter vs. the Sox in 1983 when he struck out future Yankee World Champion Wade Boggs to end it, and now, most importantly, their best player is banging Madonna.  What’s the significance of that you ask?  Well have you seen “Body of Evidence?”  Besides the obvious, the last 3 major sports stars Madonna has fucked – their teams have gone on to win the title that year.  You could look it up.   First it was Jose Canseco on the ’89 A’s, then it was Mark Messier on the ’94 Rangers, then it was Dennis Rodman on the ’96 Bulls.  That’s 3 for 3.  Maybe if she nailed Big Brown I would've had a much more pleasant experience at The Belmont this year. Whatever the case, now Arod looks to add the ‘08 Yankees, currently 7.5 games back, to that elite group.  Could it happen?  If history is any guide it will.  All I know is if what they say is correct, that the 27th championship is always the toughest one to win, then things just got a whole lot easier for the Yanks.

The following story is 100% true.    My buddy and I were talking to arguably the hottest chick at our Beach Bowl party on Tuesday Night. (pictures of Beach Bowl coming soon hopefully)  Trust me when I say she is a fucking knockout.   I would say her name, but I promised I wouldn’t.  Anyway this girl is having an affair with a married man.  I almost had an accident when she told me this because she’s so hot.  Anyway she was telling us how the sex is awesome because it’s so wrong and how the reason she thinks she likes him is because he’s a bigwig at her company and lavishes her with presents and shit like that, blah, blah, blah   Anyway after hearing her go on and on I started busting her balls saying that she is too easily impressed and that if she really wanted to sleep with somebody important I know a certain CEO of a major metropolitan smut magazine who may be interested in a secret rendezvous.    But she wasn’t having any of it.    Then to prove how awesome he treats her she tells us a story about how just last week he sent her a text on Friday morning that said “pack a bikini, pretty dress, sexy lingerie and don’t ask any questions”    At this point I was kind of thinking damn this guy is smooth.  Is he going to fly her to St. Martin for a weekend getaway or something?   So she continues the story and says that they get in the car and he won’t tell her where they are going.   But she looks at his GPS and it says they have 180 miles to go or something like that.   So they’re driving and driving and where does this guy take her?    The Vineyard?  Newport?  NYC?     Nope.    Hartford Ct!    HARTFORD FUCKING CONNECTICUT!   My buddy and I just looked at each other and started dying laughing.   Is this not the worst adulterer in the world?  Who the fuck tells their mistress to pack a bikini, a pretty dress and lingerie to go to Hartford Connecticut?   I’ve honestly never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life.   Pack a pretty dress baby, we’re going to Hartford!

So now it’s time to rate this adulterer.  Keep in mind he is banging a super hot chick.  But how long can it last if he’s taking her to Hartford?

Well on the heels of Tuesday’s story that Arod is banging Madonna, today all the gossip websites are reporting that Cynthia Rodriguez is banging Lenny Kravitz.     Okay enough is enough.  What is going on with Cynthia Rodriguez?    She’s looks like a man doesn't she?    How is she landing guys like Arod and Lenny Kravitz?   I mean they are both good looking dudes and they’re both loaded.   Why would they settle for Cynthia Rodriguez when they can pretty much bang any chick in the world?  She must have a magic pussy or something.     That’s the only explanation on why either of them would waste their time with her.   I mean she wouldn’t even be my first pick at the Bunny Ranch and them are fighting words.

I know what everybody is thinking after last night's implosion against the Devil Rays. No , not how does our bullpen suck this bad? No, not whether Craig Hanson is the biggest bust in the history of baseball? No not even whether Dustin Pedroia is sneaky Ted Williams. Instead the major question on everybody's mind has to be how NESN didn't manage to get a head shot of the girl that Red Sox first round draft pick Casey Kelly was sitting with. Honestly that will have to go down as the worst piece of camera work in the history of baseball. I mean how the fuck don't you get a face shot of her. Luckily for all the Stoolies out there I'm all over it because I'm 99% sure that it was his girlfriend Kolby who we already featured a couple weeks ago. But in case you forgot what she looked like here are some more pictures. But I got to be honest. I'm getting sick and tired of having to clean up NESN's mess.

We all know "that girl"... the one who has too much to drink, hooks up with strangers and has a reversal of fortune all over the Beirut table on the 4th of July. She's my future wife. This girl, however, is not...

Click above picture for video (new techmology used)

Reader Email

Hello

First off, let me thank you for creating your website, i seriously don't know how i would keep myself busy at work if it wasn't for this site!  I am coming from LA (please hold back on the laker bashing!) to watch a Red Sox game but I am spending the whole day in Boston.  The game is a 1 05 start time this wednesday againt the twins.  After the game , I have about 5 hours to kill in Boston before my flight leaves to NY (I am staying there because I am also going to Yankee Stadium).  is there anything in the city that you can recomend for a guy who will be celebrating his 21st birthday in Boston?

Thanks again,

Marcos

This may be the toughest question we’ve ever gotten in the history of the Stool.   So you got five hours to kill huh?  And we’re probably looking at 4pm -9pm or something like that.   Hmm, what to do, what to do?    Ordinarily I would have said go the Green Spot in Revere and buy some stuffed animals, eat some fresh lobster and use their free parking, but unfortunately the Green Spot closed.    So now I think you can do one of three things. 

#1

You can go on a pub crawl around Fenway Park.   There are a lot of cool bars in that area that should get you nice and shitfaced.   Here is the list of ones you need to hit to have the true Fenway Pub Crawl experience. 

Game On!  (Advertises in Stool)

Bleacher Bar

Cask N Flagon

Baseball Tavern

Who’s On First

Boston Beer Works

Boston Billiard Club

Copperfield’s

#2  

Faneuil Hall should be hopping with all sorts of tail at this hour since work will just be getting out.   So bounce around the bars in that area.  I’d start with Tia’s which will be a madhouse if it’s nice out.    Then you can hit The Place, McFadden’s, Jose Mac’s, Purple Shamrock, Bell In Hand and any bar that looks good.    And just because it’s your birthday feel free to mention that you’re a talent scout for the Stool.   That should get you a BJ no questions asked.

#3

Now this is what I’d do if it were me.   I’d take a cab to Suffolk Downs and bet the ponies until my plane took off.   This will teach you what being a Masshole is all about.   And you may even meet Pete Manzo if you’re lucky.

Do our readers have any other suggestions?  

Bostonherald.com - When Jonathan Morris’ daughter was planning her wedding, he thought the groom was getting overlooked. So he planned a guys-only "man shower" to welcome Brian Wigand into the family.  The party included manly snacks, games and gifts. Showers geared to grooms are a growing trend in the wedding industry, said Allana Baroni, the entertainment expert for the web site ehow.com. Men who have grown accustomed to attending coed showers with their wives and girlfriends in recent years now find guys-only parties an acceptable rite of passage, she added. It’s another example of grooms leaving their stereotypical roles behind, she said, noting that male bridesmaids and female groomsmen are becoming more common.  Men also are recognizing that showers are a great way to acquire tools and other necessities needed to maintain a home, said Abby Buford, spokeswoman for Lowe’s Home Improvement stores, which launched an online wedding registry in 2006. The "man gatherings," usually held to coincide with the bridal shower, give the husbands, brothers and uncles an opportunity to hang out, the 29-year-old said."There was no teasing or anything," the 26-year-old said. At his shower, guests ate from old license plates, participated in a nail pounding contest and were judged on how manly they wrapped their gifts, most of which were tools.

Man shower huh?  No thanks.  Because I’m pretty sure what they don’t tell you in the brochure is that your dick shrivels up and falls off as part of this deal.  Listen if I want to drink with my buddies I’ll fucking call them up and meet them at a bar.   I don’t need to pretend I’m a chick and have a foofy shower so I can get a new set of tools.  Plus what dude who actually uses tools would want a man shower to get them?    I mean how could you ever look at your hammer or drill the same way?  Regardless, I’m sure Canada is loving this.   The pussification of America continues….

Vs.

It's got to be the subway right? There is plenty of room in the wave pool. But I think if they put one more person on the subway 3 people would have died.

Vote 1 for Subway and 10 for Wavepool

More Pamela here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com