Random Thoughts

DARWIN, Australia  —  Drinkers at an Outback watering hole may have wondered if perhaps they'd had one too many when they were greeted by a crocodile at the pub's door. But being good hosts, they did the only polite thing and invited him inside. Barmaid Sarah Sparre said Thursday that three patrons spotted the creature outside the pub, grabbed it and brought it inside. "You could say we were a bit surprised," Sparre said. "He was pretty complacent, easygoing. But we weren't going to test him out."

And the rest of the story goes that the bartender yells at the guy to get that crocodile out of the bar, but the guy insists it isn't dangerous. So to prove it, he whacks the croc on the head with a hammer to get it to open its mouth. Then he sticks his Johnson in the crocodile's mouth and holds it there for a full minute and nothing happens. Then the guy asks if anyone else in the bar wants to try it. So an old lady steps forward and says "I'll give it a shot. But just go easy with the hammer." Thank you, I'm here all week.

This story just proves a point I've been making for years now. If I ever get permanently kicked out the U.S. (a distinct possibility) and had to live somewhere else, I'd move to Australia without a moment's hesistation. They just seem like the coolest people. They drink to excess, make fun of themselves, make fun of everyone else, drink some more, and eat food cooked outside. It might take me a while to get used to winter in August, learn the rules of their football and to like Savage Garden, but I'm confident I could make the adjustment. I mean, in what other country would guys invite a man eating amphibian into a bar to pose for pictures over a quart of Foster's? The French would've surrendered to the damned thing.

BATON ROUGE -- Characterizing sex offenders as monsters, Gov. Bobby Jindal signed legislation Wednesday that would force convicted rapists and others to undergo chemical castration.

“I am glad we have taken such strong measures in Louisiana to put a stop to these monsters’ brutal acts,” the governor said in a prepared statement.

Jindal signed Senate Bill 144 into law on the day that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Louisiana cannot execute people who rape children under the age of 12.

On a first offense, a judge would have the option of ordering injections of medroxyprogesterone acetate, which suppresses a man’s sex drive by reducing testosterone levels.  The injections would be mandatory on a second offense.

Well look at Louisiana getting all “cruel and unusual”.  Now sure, you could argue chemical castration isn’t necessarily cruel, but it is definitely unusual.  So unusual in fact, it doesn’t even make your balls disappear! Nope, it just reduces the amount of testosterone you carry around in your nutsack.  But what kind of punishment is that?  Anybody can buy more testosterone, they’re called steroids.  You can get them online, Tijuana or at your local gymnasium. Anyway this is all very confusing. Regular castration, chemical castration, all I know is Funny Cide was a gelding and he won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness and I never heard him complain.  

So as everybody knows I went down to the Cape for a couple days.   The First Lady and I got a recommendation to go to this fancy shmancy restaurant for dinner last night.   As I’m reading the review of the place it says that the dress code is “smart casual”    Now to me “smart casual” in the Cape means as long as my dick isn’t hanging out I’m good to go.   But not at this place.   Yup apparently I found the only restaurant in Cape Cod where "smart casual" means no jeans or shorts.     My question is who the fuck packs dress pants when they're going to the Cape? So I called the place up to find out how strict they were with that policy and the guy on the other end couldn’t have been ruder.   He told me that’s why they built 3 restaurants at the resort and hung up on me.    Well let me just say this.    Nobody is going to intimidate me out of a restaurant.   His rudeness only made me want to eat there more.  Kind of like how Costanza falls in love with the chick who hates him.   “Jerry a woman who hates me this much only comes around once in a lifetime.”    Anyway long story short I was on my way to buy some pants when a kid at the hotel told me he knew where he could score me some.   Ten minutes later there was a knock on my door and I had a brand fucking new pair of polo pants.    Perfect fit too.    The guy’s only request was don’t say where I got em from.   So here is my question.  How much should I have tipped this guy?     I gave him 10 bucks, but then afterwords felt like a total cheapskate.    But it all happened so fast I didn’t really have time to think about it.  And as far as I know there is no protocol on how to tip a guy who just stole you a pair of pants is there?    Anyway I’m curious what the Stoolies think the appropriate tip should have been?

PS – I just got home from the Cape.  Big thanks to Jerry and Manzo for not bankrupting the Stool. Barely

Barstool is still spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sports. So it's with heavy heart that we bring you the news that Ana Ivanovic the No. 1 tennis player in the world, got ousted in the 3rd round at Wimbledon 6-1, 6-4 by Chinese wild card Zheng Jie. Michael Wilbon will take this hard, you can be sure. Combined with Maria Sharapova losing (see below), this year's tournament just got ugly, in every sense of the word. And it will guarantee the TV ratings for the final will be next to nothing among the all-important Hetero Male demographic.

Honestly, these major tournaments have got to wise up and start bending the rules to help out the better looking competitors. The survival of the sport depends on it.

Anyway, just to show our support for women's sports, let's pay tribute to the end of Ana's Grand Slam dreams with a gratuitous photo gallery...

Whether it has any bearing on Monday's crunch Euro 2008 match between the two countries is debatable but Austria drew first blood on Sunday when their topless women's soccer team beat Germany 10-5. The traditional swapping of shirts afterwards was not an option as the six-a-side teams wore nothing but G-strings, with the national colours painted on to their bare skin.

The football may not have been of the highest quality but that did not temper the enthusiasm of a mostly male crowd boosted by a sizeable media presence only too happy to desert Euro 2008 training for an hour or two.

I'm well aware that this is old news, so spare me the "Man lands on moon" comments. The fact is, I wrote a blog about this when it happened, but it never got posted. But El Presidente is away and he left me and Manzo in charge of the store so I'm posting it anyway.

When you've been handed a battlefield promotion, it's extra responsibility, but it also comes with extra privileges. So sue me if I think posting a week old blog consisting of not much more than NSFW photos of a topless soccer match is the perfect thing for a Friday afternoon in the summer.

PS. These pictures alone mean I've seen more of the Topless Germany-Austria match than I have of Euro 2008. Enjoy.

Maybe the easiest Guess That Ass of all time.

Click Here for the Answer.

The images as chilling as they are heartbreaking: An infant with a semiautomatic handgun next to each tiny shoulder. A child no more than a year old decked out in blood-red gang gear. "They call them Blood drops, stains, rims," a former Staten Island Bloods gang member said of the nicknames gang parents give their children.

"My first child - he was only 6 months old when he got blessed into it," said King Ironman, a Bronx member of the Almighty Latin King and Queen Nation gang. Then the boy was killed in a drive-by shootout. "The target was me ... he was only 2 years old," Ironman said.... Ironman still "blessed" two more sons into the... gang. "Families have to do that to be part of the nation," he said. "He's a true gangster. The way he acts with people, the way he just wants to beat you up and punch you," Iron said of the 4-year-old "Latin Prince" he hopes will preach peace within the gang.

With all due respect to the Daily News, how does this story justify a spot on the front page? What did they think happened in gangs? A guy like Ironman pays the price, goes through all the gang initiations and takes all the beatdowns to get himself into the Almighty Latin King and Queen Nation, then he works his way up to the rank of King, what's he supposed to do, raise his kids to be Crips? For instance, my parents raised me Catholic, so I'm raising my kids Catholic. Does the News expect me to raise them Amish? It makes no sense. I'm also Knights of Columbus; would anyone expect me to raise my kids to get their cheap beer and second-hand smoke at the Elks? I'm a Red Sox fan, did anyone object when I didn't buy my babies Yankees hats? Of course not. Iron's 4 year old is showing his dad he wants to beat you up and punch you, why would anyone expect he wouldn't raise him to be a true ganster, the way God intended.

The Old Media obviously just doesn't get it. So they'll continue to act like this is unheard of and the end of civilization. At least until Babies R Us starts buying ad space selling Latin Kings onesies, Crips bibs, and baby t-shirts that say "Gramma's Li'l Blood Drop" on them.

"South Shore Welcoming Committee"

- Thanks to Mike for the pic

WIMBLEDON, England - Former champion Maria Sharapova, out. Two-time runner-up Andy Roddick, gone. Wimbledon ended in stunning second-round upsets Thursday for two of the top title contenders and biggest names in the game.

Sharapova was ousted by a 154th-ranked Russian, marking her earliest exit from a Grand Slam tournament since her first full season on tour in 2003. Her game littered by double-faults and unforced errors, the third-seeded Sharapova slumped to a 6-2, 6-4 loss to 20-year-old Alla Kudryavtseva on Court 1.

The upstart winner even rubbed it in by trashing the fashion icon's publicized Wimbledon ensemble of tuxedo-style blouse and shorts.

"I don't like her outfit," Kudryavtseva said. "It was one of the motivations to beat her."

First of all do I smell a cat fight on the grass of the All-England Lawn Darts and Tennis Club?  I think soooo!  But before we get to that, I’m not buying the ugly girl’s motivation was Sharapova’s shirt.  That’s just bullshit.  Everybody knows when you’re an ugly chick playing against a hot chick in tennis, bowling, flip cup, any sport for that matter, that’s the motivation right there.  You don’t need anything else.   She’s hot, you’re ugly.  I mean who is this chick trying to fool?  It has nothing to do with the shirt.  And how about showing some class for a change?   Anyway I’d rather she not hurt Sharapova’s feelings like that after the match, that’s my main concern.  After all, it’s Wimbledon.

Pete Prisco on CBSSportsline: I finally gave in, and some will say I had no choice. Not this year. Tom Brady is the top-ranked player in the NFL. He earned it in 2007. After balking at putting Brady there the past few years, infuriating the New England region by making Peyton Manning the top-rated player, helping to land me on the list of the least-liked people in Chowder-head country, I have finally done what many of those angry people have waited a few years to see.Brady, glamour-boy quarterback of the New England Patriots, has edged past Manning in my rankings of the top 50 players in the NFL... It's close, but coming off Brady's sensational, record-setting season, coupled with Manning being forced to play without his top receiver for most of last year, Brady has to take over as king of the NFL...Tom Brady earned it. It's about time, some will say. Right, New England?

Dear Prisco,

Don't flatter yourself. New England fans have way too much on our plate enjoying the last championship and planning the next one to concern ourselves with some misinformed asshat finally realizing what every little kid and old lady in America figured out seven years ago: that Tom Brady is the best player in football.

Besides, it's laughable how you finally came to Jesus on this particular bit of common sense. Brady had a Season for the Ages. SI chose it as the 5th best season by any athlete, ever. So we get that you were backed into a corner this time and had no choice. If you went with your default setting and gave it to Peyton... the guy who's PJs you sleep in every night... you'd expose yourself not just as a buffoon (which everyone acknowledges), but a fraud as well. So you throw in a line about Manning "missing his best receiver" to mitigate things, oblivious to the fact that for years Brady's "best" have been nobodies and mediocrities like Reche Caldwell and Deion Branch. (Hey, at least they weren't out shooting people.)

If your intention is to position yourself as the nemesis of the Patriots and their fans, forget it. You're late to the party and there's a line at the door. There are plenty of people who live to drop turds in the Patriots' punchbowl... opposing players, GMs, the Rules Committee, US Senators... all more relevant than you. If we do rip you, it's not because we give two damns what your opinions are. It's just because on an intellectual level we object to a major media outlet like CBS giving column space to a terrible writer with so little understanding of football that he can't even state the obvious without being dragged kicking and screaming.

Thanks. You can resume sucking now.

Jerry Thornton, Barstool Sports

Hahaha, this is awesome. It's never a good sign when the commissioner of the league has to pause 10 seconds before mis-pronouncing the guy's name at #6 overall. Hey, at least "Johnny Lam Jones" rolls off the tongue... Whatever the case, the Knicks fans here look like idiots booing uncontrollably while the 2 Celtics fans in the crowd are cracking up. When in doubt though, I guess the "USA" chant always works.

BARNEGAT, N.J. (AP) - It's the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school. Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword. Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school. The lockdown began shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday and lasted until 9:30.

I suppose I could make fun of the faculty of the Barnegat, NJ elementary school for overreacting here, but I won't. There've been too many kids taken out of too many schools in body bags for teachers to do anything but err on the side of caution. And the last time I checked, black was still the preferred attire for desperate, disaffected, homicidal youths. So by all means, don't sit there saying "There could a begign reason a sword-toting Ninja is traipsing through the woods behind the school. Let's just assume he's late for a costume party and go back to planning our summer vacations." No, you assume the worst and lock the mutha down and don't worry about getting mocked by smartass bloggers afterward.

I'm pretty much putting the blame on the Ninja here. (Now there's a sentence I never wrote before.) As a general rule, when you're on foot, dressed in a costume, it's best to give the elementary school a wide berth. That would apply whether you're dressed as a Vampire, Elvis, Scream, Jedi, Red Beer Cup... any kind really. But particularly when you're dressed like a stealthy, ancient assassin. You'd think a camp counselor would know better from all that experience eliminating exactly this type of horseplay.

JR Giddens - 6'5'' Guard from New Mexico. 1st round pick, 30th overall. Barstool scouting report: Recruited by Roy Williams, played 2 years at Kansas then transferred to New Mexico. Once was stabbed in the right calf in a bar fight and needed 30 stitches. Became first guard in the MWC to lead league in rebounds (8.8). Has an older sister named Porsche.

Bill Walker - 6'6'' Small Forward from Kansas State. Drafted 47th overall by Washington, then traded to the Celtics for cash. Barstool scouting report: Played the game of his life - a 22 point performance in KSU's upset of USC in the First Round of this year's NCAA Tournament. Apparently a good dunker, once peed on the sidelines during a game. Click here to see that. (SFW)

Semih Erden - 7'0'' Center from Turkey. Drafted 60th overall (the last pick in the draft). Barstool scouting report: One ugly mofo.

In the biggest longshot since Buster Douglas, we've never done a Wake Up with Stacey Keibler. Not at far as I can tell. It borders on blogger malpractice. The only logical explanation is that we all must have just assumed it's been done; like one of those botched surgeries where everyone thinks someone else remembered to take the clamps out of the patient but no one did. Anyway, Stacey is absolutely in the Top Five on my version of The List. Click here to see much more of her...